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What the HECK?/Intro- Tuesday Night Titans (TNT)- July 26, 1985
It's more TNT! Don't get excited, as this episode emanates from "Uncle Elmer's Barn". Surprisingly, "Elmer's Barn"
has perfect stage lighting and is already wired for sound and camera crews! Vince McMahon and Lord Alfred Hayes
are decked out in "cowboy" clothing for this "Country Western Episode of TNT".
Vince has his drawers hiked up to his ribs and is sporting a flat-top
hat-- in his mind, I'm sure he thought he looked like Paladin from "Have Gun Will Travel". Al is wearing a discount
flannel shirt, suspenders and a cowboy hat with a big poofy plume on the front. Straw is thrown about the set, and
there's even a live sheep in the background. Oh... my word!
But let's bring in our first guest... Hillbilly Jim
Vince discusses Hillbilly's recent leg injury. It's put him on the shelf, but as a happy bonus it's
entered Jim into the "Manager of the Year" competition, since he's been managing Uncle Elmer. Jim's thankful for
all the cards and letters folks hve been sending in. No verification on whether or not all of the letters
and cards were positive wishes. But let's take a look back at Jim's first match from a year ago:
Hillbilly Jim (w/Hulk Hogan) vs. Terry Gibbs
Joined slightly in progress and I'm sure you're upset. Gibbs tries a headlock to no avail. Jim shoves him around,
slams him. Then in a Very Special Moment, a bearhug happens for the quick submission. Hogan comes in to the ring to
celebrate with Jim.
Back to the studio, errrr.. BARN, where we bring in our next guest... Uncle Elmer
Elmer's brought a little pig along with him. Al makes some jokes comparing it to "one of his old girlfriends".
Yeahhhh... I don't know if you'd ever want to claim a barnyard animal as one of your old girlfriends, even as a joke. But before
we go any further, Elmer has a special treat-- some of his friends are here for some good ol' country
clogging and square dancing. They dance. It goes on forever. Guys dance with each other. "Promenade..."
After a commercial break of mercy, we come back to see Elmer's set up a picnic table. But before we can sit down to
some good ol' country vittles, we must watch...
Uncle Elmer (w/Hillbilly Jim) vs. A.J. Petrucci
Another jobber squash. Petrucci tries to charge Elmer and gets shoulder-blocked for his troubles. Elmer shrugs off all
of his offense. Elmer dances a little bit and if there's one thing Vince McMahon likes, it's Dancing Fat Guys (see also:
Dusty Rhodes, Friar Ferguson, Rikishi and Bubba Ray Dudley).
Vince gets his good "Ha-ha-haaaa". See, you have to use THREE "Ha's". And the third one must be
emphasized. Elmer slams Petrucci, then lands a leg-drop to get the pin.
More square dancing. "Promenade..." But we'll be right back for the Western portion of the show, with Terry Funk.
Vince is on location at a "bar" in Texas to meet our third guest, Terry Funk.
Funk's his usual ornery self and orders the skanky bar maid around. Vince sits down to (gasp) have a beer with Funk.
Funk, in a pretty impressive display of chugging, downs his beer in about five seconds. Now let's take a special
look at..
Terry Funk vs. Aldo Marino
Aldo's no relation to either Aldo Nova or Dan Marino. Yet he has just as many Super Bowl wins as the former Dolphins QB.
As Funk is giving his chaps, serape and hat to the ring attedant (I think it's Mel Phillips), the attendant makes
the mistake of wearing Funk's hat. Funk beats the crap out of him then throws Aldo out of the ring, as the match
never starts.
Back to the studio, err.. "bar", where a cautious Vince wants to discuss the match. He believes Funk owes the
national audience an apology for that ring attendant attack. Funk simply works up a load of tobacco, then tries
to spit the camera. Not a good spew, as he only gets a few drops.
Back to "Elmer's Barn", where we've commenced to eatin'. Elmer introduces Al to "barbequed possum burgers", along
with buttermilk jammed full of cornbread. More music and dancing. "Promenade..."
After another commercial break of utter mercy, we're back with our final guest... the NEW Intercontinental Champion,
Tito Santana.
Everyone congratulates Tito on regaining the title, so they give him an ill-fitting cowboy hat. Cut to the
ending of..
WWF Intercontinental Championship (Steel Cage Match):
Greg "The Hammer" Valentine (c)(w/Jimmy Hart) vs. Tito Santana
Tito and Hammer try climbing the cage wall. Tito knocks Hammer to the mat, so he tries to escape through the door
while Tito climbs. Hammer's about to exit, but Tito's on his way down the outside of the cage and kicks the door into
him. Tito drops to the ground and scores the title. Afterwards, Hammer brings the belt into the cage and busts it
against the cage. Tito's doing a good job of "oooh..I..I can.. barely...walk.. must..hold up...BELT!"
Back in the "barn", it's more fun with Tito and more music.
Final segment charitably arrives. Tito's sitting down at the dinner table, when Jimmy Hart runs in. Hart's going to
travel all over the country and keep buying tickets until Tito gives Valentine a rematch. Now see, if this were
a modern angle, Tito would have grounds for a restraining order against his new stalker. Hart shoves Alfred
to the ground as he leaves. Oh, my word! But that's all the time we have for this week on TNT!
Why'd You Tape This??
I'm not shy about my penchant for shitty wrestling and goofy stuff... but this was Brian Griese levels of shit.
The joke about country bumpkins got old after, oh .. two minutes. Then, unlike the Missing Link's
simulated cave, they tried to pass this off as a real barn. Like I said, it was nice of Elmer to make sure his
barn was fitted for filming a TV show.
Alot of the "jokes" revolve around the supposedly distinguished Alfred Hayes being out of his element. He's
revolted that he has to wipe his hands on his pants, etc. I never bought Hayes' "distringuished" gimmick for
one simple reason: the bugger always needed a haircut. If you're supposed to be an English nobleman, don't
you think you could at least pick up a comb once a day?
Thankfully, this episode is about five minutes shorter than the usual TNT shows. The whole idea seemed to be
"let's turn the cameras on some Good Ol' Contry Boys at a hoe-down! Hilarity will ensue! Ha-ha-haaaaa!"
Wonder whose idea that was.....
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