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A SPECIAL Guest Column. I wasn't sure where to put this, since I don't have a
designated SHITTY MOVIES section (Well, Ace runs the "movies&TV" section on
the MessageBoard of Solitude..but who the hell
goes there?).
But this movie wouldn't exist without it's star, former rassler Bill Goldberg!
Thus, it's in the rasslin' section. So maybe someday I'll add a review of "Abraxas" with Jesse Ventura!
Anyways, please welcome back to the show, JFabiano
!---------------------begin guest column-----------------!
SANTA’S SLAY (2005)
Review by James Fabiano
Yeah, I’m back with a new movie review. As you could probably guess from my
work last time with the 1990s direct-to-nowhere “Fantastic Four” film, it
takes a special kind of movie to lure me over to my MS Word. Well, while doing
my Halloween channel surfing weeks before, I found a very special movie
indeed. The season of All Hallows’ Eve is traditionally a fruitful one for TV
watching…you get Charlie Brown; Discovery/TLC documentaries on exorcisms,
vampires, and the like; haunted house programs on Travel Channel (Loretta Lynn’s
Haunted Mansion!); and of course, tons of horror movies. As any horror
aficionado knows, their genre easily ranges from true classics to fun popcorn
flicks, all the way down to the most dire of B-movies. Enter Spike TV to fill
the latter end of that spectrum, as they unearthed “Santa’s Slay,” a yuletide
slasher in the great tradition of “Jack Frost” and “Silent Night, Deadly
Night” that was passed over by theaters and found a home on cable amongst the
rest of the spooky programming. Normally it wouldn’t be something I’d pick
out in particular on the schedule, but my pro wrestling roots made this a
must-see, for starring as the slaying Santa was none other than Bill Goldberg,
former WCW World Champion and more recently famous for being another Ron Garvin
title reign for Triple H to end in the WWE.
Hmmm…a giant Jewish wrestler playing an icon associated with the most
Christian of holidays. Needless to say, I knew from the start that this would be…
interesting.
So, anyway, you know my usual drill: a walkthrough for the movie…I watch it,
I jot down what I am thinking or noticing. With that, let’s go…
- The first scene we see involves a dysfunctional rich family’s
Christmas dinner. Hilarity ensues. Including the daughters feeling blessed for
not being poor or Samoan (but…your head would be impervious to being rammed
into turnbuckles!), some guy who hits on FRAN DRESCHER while her husband,
whose desire for moist turkey turns into a sex joke, is at the same table.
Regarding the adulterous moment with The Nanny, I am reminded that one thing I
can give Drescher is that she looks good in skirts.
- But now the fun really begins…Santa/Goldberg makes a Kool-Aid Man
entrance through the fireplace and wreaks havoc on the snobs. Conveniently,
Drescher’s character is named Virginia, allowing him to make the predictable “
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!” one-liner. He starts his rampage
by kicking their toy dog (like all good PETA members do, right Bill?), and
then proceeds to do a ninja flip on the table and knife Mr. Nanny’s hands in
place, saving him for one last killing, caused by shoving a drumstick down his
mouth. He also kicks Fran’s toy boy across the room (no doubt giving him a
career-ending concussion in the process), and kills both daughters, one of
which is done in by a thrown Christmas tree star. And then…Goldberg answers
that old riddle: “What did numerous sitcom fans want to see in the ‘90s?” when
he sets Fran’s hair on fire, and then drowns her in a punch bowl.
- Opening credit time, and for the two people who didn’t get this
Santa’s M.O., the title graphic originally reads “Satan’s” before “Slay” in
the form of a sled slides in and mixes up the letters to read the proper “
Santa.” They use a cover of “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),” but the
credits to “Gremlins” already did that better, and with the original by The
Ronettes to boot. The sequence goes through an illustrated book telling what will
be the back story of the movie, and one scene has Santa holding a pitchfork
with a head at the end that looks suspiciously like Hulk Hogan or Triple H.
- It’s Christmas Eve, and our story takes place in Hell Township,
Population: 45,000,000. Oh, I’m sorry, that isn’t the population, that’s the
approximate number of puns the name of this locale inspires throughout the
movie.
- The first citizen…FROM HELL…would be Mrs. Talbot, who lives that
silly pun by harassing a deli owner named Mr. Green for his lack of Christmas
decorations. The obscured-but-recognizable blue and white flag on the
counter, a menorah on display (which will become important later…not that it’s
not an important symbol as it is, of course), and, if you’re un-PC, his having
to negotiate the senior discount of a sandwich should all explain why.
Despite forcing a “Merry Christmas” out of Mr. Green, she tells him to “Go…SCREW
yourself.” Must suck to be this movie, as not only is it shoved straight to
TV, but must be so in an edited for content form. (Funny Note: On Word, they
are actually giving me a grammar mistake on “screw yourself,” advising to
use “you” instead. So the computer KNOWS proper forms for obscenities,
then?)
- But Terrible Talbot gets hers…Santa Goldberg is on the prowl: “
You don’t pick on one of MY PEOPLE and get away with it!” Actually, all he
says is “Move, witch!” (or it could be “wench”? And they are censoring “bitch
” too?!!?) before running her car off the road.
- But Mr. Green is not completely against the Christmas spirit…he
has presents for his employees, Nicholas and Mary. He opts for the “When in
doubt, get them art or technology” Christmas strategy: in this case, a snow
globe for Mary that is part of a Christmas-in-every-state series, and for
Nicholas, a clock that tells time in all the time zones. This too will become
important later. And I can’t say anything bad about Mr. Green’s choices,
actually, as I’ve used said strategy plenty of times…amended to also include maybe
favorite sports team paraphernalia and stuff with people’s pets on them.
- Super Secret Sexual Tension Movie Formula #873 strikes when work’s
over: Nick offers to put Mary’s coat on, she’s all women’s lib, and in
response, Nick is all macho and rejects a ride home. Of course, when Nicholas is
hilariously dragging behind on his electric scooter, he takes the ride
anyway, listening to RAP CHRISTMAS CAROLS as he reveals himself as…Super Secret
Holiday Movie Character Formula #3198: the kid/whoever who is not crazy about
Christmas, and/or has family who aren’t crazy about Christmas. He does,
however, name-drop Optimus Prime and Castle Grayskull as an excuse, in that he
never got those instead of the easy-bake ovens he always received.
- So Nicholas is safe and sound at home, at least once he’s opened
the zillion locks his grandfather, who is the only one he lives with, has set.
Once he has, he is free to enjoy that Christmas Eve tradition…no, not 24
hours of “A Christmas Story,” not Midnight Mass…we’re talking the
HornyAsianHousewives.Com Super Bowl! The fraction of a fraction of subtlety of which is
erased when the announcer tells us that the teams are playing for the
prestigious “Golden Shower.”
- Unfortunately, Nick doesn’t get to enjoy a football game for the
honor of adulterous nymphomaniacs from across the Pacific, since the power in
the house goes out. As he goes down the attic to investigate, we meet his
grandfather in person, as he was changing a light bulb but forgot if the switch
was on or off, so he went to the circuit breaker and shut off all the power.
As you can tell, Gramps is an eccentric inventor type, his ideas including
a record player backpack and brown toilet paper. Obviously, he is very
protective, given his affinity for locks. And more importantly, he is skittish
about the mentioning of the words “hell” or “Christmas.”
- Meanwhile, Goldberg is moonlighting as a sidewalk Santa.
Threatened by a mugger, he destroys him by sticking a candy cane in his eye (which is
barely shown, of course).
- While back at Nick’s place, Gramps has just brought Nicholas into
his hidden bunker in the attic. As they climb a staircase, an ambiguous
creaking sound is heard and Gramps apologizes. Nick doesn’t know what for…
until, yes, he gets a good whiff of the air around him. Then again, with movies
like this, I guess fart jokes are a matter of “when,” not “if.” And old
person fart jokes at that.
- Anyhow, Nicholas has been grilling (totally wrong word after last
gag) Gramps about why he dislikes the holidays so much. “What, are we Jewish?”
he asks. Believe me, it won’t get much better from there…and you thought
I was starting to get naughty before! So…Gramps expresses his distrust in
Santa Claus, and unearths a mysterious and ancient book to back up his
feelings. The book also includes a winged pin. Foreshadowing! Moreso given the
out-of-left-field “It’s A Wonderful Life” reference in the Goldberg scene
before.
- Now we get the beginning of our central origin story: apparently,
there was another immaculate conception, between Satan and a woman named
Erica. The result was a murdering demon named…Santa Claus. As such, Christmas
as we know it came about as a way to counteract the Day of Slayings
perpetrated by Santa every 25th of December. And…the doorbell rings! Interrupted
origins = SSMF #921814.
- The visitor turns out to be Mary, who has brought a cooked
wolverine, looking more like roadkill from a Beverly Hillbillies gag. Rednecks and
assorted firearms lovers eating fresh kills, right down to the flies buzzing
around…now we’re moving into taking Super Secret TV Formulas, I see. Indeed,
as we learn, Mary’s father is big on hunting and shooting and pushed violent
toys onto his kids. Except Mary’s brother, who wouldn’t give up his Western
Ben doll, translation: he went on to come out of the closet. So as a gift
for Nicholas, she brings an old hand-me-down…knowing now of Nick’s childhood
desire for Transformers, it’s Megatron…only it’s Megatron if Megatron was
one of those Playskool Transformers for 5-year-olds. You know, just like
Rescue Roy the Firetruck or whatever. But it works for Nick, who tells Mary, “I’
m as happy as a Make-a-Wish kid!” Yeah, he acts as enthusiastic as a
terminally sick person.
- Santa’s reign of terror continues at a strip club, which is also
being visited by SSMF #73911, the two-faced preacher, who has just given his
Christmas sermon, no less. After killing the bouncer with a wreath, Santa
forces himself on a stripper (and guess which Santa exclamation he uses to
describe the ladies?) and gets in a sanitized fight with the other barflies. The
brawl ends with Goldberg killing a Vince Russo lookalike by Van Daminating a
dislodged dance pole back to him, which collides with an exposed electrical
circuit and fries him. That’s what you get for that heel turn in 2000! The
strippers are peering from a corner in terror, so Santa, still reeling from the
earlier rejection, just sets the whole club on fire.
- Meanwhile, Nicholas and Mary are discussing Gramps, and Nick asks
if she thinks he’s bananas. Mary tells him that he may be a bit odd, but not
bananas. So she refuted his worry at the moment, all is well, right? No!
Instead, Nick still gets offended (so why ask in the first place?!!?) and
kicks Mary out of his house. He then wallows by finishing Gramps’ book, leading
to an AMAZING SCENE where everything turns to stop-motion animation not
unlike the Rankin-Bass specials, except not done well, not even surreally creepy.
So you’ve been wondering how the “real” story of Santa ends, huh? Well,
Santa has been raising hell (oh no, now I am doing it!), until he meets a
kindly angel who challenges him to a true clash of the titans…a real epic…it’s
definitely Good vs. Evil on the ultimate scale…it’s…a curling contest. And if
Santa loses, he must stop the Day of Slayings for the next thousand years.
Of course he does indeed lose, and now must become the jolly, gift-giving
character we all know and love. Only that took place in the year 1005, and you
know what that means…
- To wit…it’s Christmas day, and Santa crashes through a nativity
scene, using a polo mallet to behead the Joseph statue. Because someone
somewhere still needed some extra symbolism to help grasp the Santa/Satan
connection. He has also sent Jokey Smurf gift boxes to blow the heads off a pair of
nasty, annoying boys (quoth NAB#2: “When can we open our…FREAKIN’…presents?!”). Yet the Hypocritical Preacher goes unscathed, the better for mourning
the deaths in the strip club fire. He prays for the souls of the likes of “
Dixie Rect” and “Tess Tickler.” If I were a connoisseur of gentleman’s
clubs, I probably wouldn’t accept the wares of girls named after penises.
- But Santa’s most heinous act thus far comes at the expense of Mr.
Green. He barges into the deli and spears through the glass counter.
Because it’s in every wrestler’s contract that when they’re in a movie, they must
do at least one of their signature moves, no matter the role. And fortunately
this glass is fake, so Goldberg didn’t nearly end his own career this time.
The impact of the blow causes Mr. Green to emit an “Oy!” in pain. Oh, it
gets worse. He tries to fend off Santa using the glow from his Star of David,
but he no-sells it and then uses the menorah to violently pin Mr. Green to
the wall. In a Wacky Out-of-Character moment, he steals some coleslaw on the
way out, and proceeds to sneer at some rabbis passing by outside, just in case
that last killing wasn’t anti-Semitic enough.
- AMAZING SCENE #2: Nick makes a stop at a gas station owned by…are
you ready for this…really ready?…
…
…
Cause if you think it’ll be too much for you to handle, I can stop now…
…
…
So you can’t resist seeing what else this movie could possibly have in store
for us? Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
…
…
…
…at this gas station, we meet none other than ZEUS. Yes, Tom “Tiny” Lister
Jr. He sets the African-American image back 15 years with his dialogue and
acting (including saying “What’s up?”, “Homeboy,” and talking about “the
hood”). Now at this point I was SO begging for a Zeus vs. Goldberg fight to
occur later, but it was not to be. Regardless, now Wrestlecrap MUST cover
this movie for their holiday special. All it needs now is Cheatum the Evil
Midget as one of Santa’s elves, and the discovery of the Shockmaster’s audition
for the role of Santa, except he trips after busting through Fran Drescher’s
chimney.
- At any rate, Nicholas’ meeting with Zeus is actually a convenient
plot device, since the gas station has a police blotter, which is how he
finds out what has happened to Mr. Green, who has survived having his windpipe
punctured long enough to (COHERENTLY!) tell Nick that “Santa is real!” Police
later come to the scene of the crime to trade Jewish puns (“Something isn’t
kosher here,” “He put out his Festival of Lights!”), yet apparently don’t
know that much about their faith, seeing as they refer to the rabbis as
Amish. And they are so considerate of THAT faith, they shove the “Amish” group
into their police car, forcing the evils of a non-simple world onto them.
Nick is also taken along to help with the questioning back at the station, where
he meets police captain and gay stereotype, Dick Zucker. Yes, really. And
guess which line of “Deck The Halls” Nicholas gives as a quip here. And if
you don’t yet believe in the powers of the Captain Obviouses that wrote this
movie, all the while the other cops are doing their investigations while
EATING DONUTS.
- Now Mr. Green’s earlier gift comes in handy when Nick tells his
story to Zucker, as it sets the apparent goal for our heroes: to tough it out
until 7 pm their time, since in Greenwich and thus the North Pole, that would
be midnight and the ending of Christmas/the Day of Slayings. Unfortunately,
that cocky Zucker (that was easy, maybe I should apply as a script writer for
the sequel) doesn’t buy what Nick’s selling.
Back at home, Nick decides to take matters into his own hands, and
does a little Internet research on Hooyah.com. I’d prefer Gulgoo, VistaAlta,
or Jeeve Asks, myself. He asks one of those “Santa Tracker” novelty pages
if they are legit…the webmaster (screen name: “Gonad”…are they trying to
fit in everything from an entire middle school joke book?) IM’s him back,
predictably and condescendingly questioning his intelligence.
- And again at Police HQ, Goldberg has hounded down the police, and
does not dig that Zucker, so he kills him with a tazer to the balls. Most of
the other cops apparently didn’t fare much better, not sure if we’d see for
sure in the unedited version or not. This serves to lead into our next
scene, as Mary and Nick are driving through when they are asked to pull over by
a police car. But SWERVE~! Santa was driving it all along. He pounces in the
back of Mary’s pickup, and they brake to throw him over. But even now he can
’t take a bump over the hood, so he just falls back over into the truck’s
bed, where he is shot by our heroes. Which he also no-sells!
- Now that Gramps was proven not to be so crazy after all, Nick and
Mary head back home. Unfortunately, Santa has followed, as have a group of
carolers that get laid to waste…with the last of them being press slammed into
a railing (Goldberg is a wrestler, remember?????).
- Nick, Mary, and Gramps see all this from the bunker. Sensing the
impending danger, Gramps asks for a Tinactin can, causing Nick to practically
recite a sarcastic commercial about how “Tough-Actin’ Tinactin is going to
cure Santa’s athlete’s foot.” Actually, Gramps has stored the keys to a
snowmobile in there. But just after they leave the garage, Santa is right there
to confront them…and it seems him and Gramps are old friends. As they catch
up on stuff, though, Santa has his evil reindeer trample Gramps. Naturally,
Santa quips, “Grandpa got run over by a reindeer!”
- Having witnessed the death of his grandfather, Nick, along with
Mary, take off on the snowmobile as Santa gives chase in his sleigh, tossing
more Jokey Smurf presents down at them. Fortunately for our heroes, he takes
time off to go torment a fake Santa, who is abducted by Goldberg after he
crashes a Christmas gathering in the city square (“What the fu-hell?” says Fake
Santa, either being censored or using a made-up word to keep viewers for
thinking he made another dumb Hell pun). When asked by his imposter about his
motives, Santa says he’s only “trying to spread a little Yuletide FEAR!” What,
is he Freddy now too?
- As this happens, Nick and Mary have ended up in an abandoned
school. Much ado is made about Nick not being strong enough to break one of the
windows. They should’ve waited for Santa and…oh shoot, I already used up my
one joke about Goldberg and his bad luck with glass. That is all a moot
point, however, as a broken window just SHOWS UP with no explanation. Mary is the
one who could be pushed into it, but is stopped by her…well, let’s say this
operation would be a bust at this point. This of course becomes a gag
where Nick can’t push “there,” and Mary is upset that she “has to make all the
first moves in this relationship.”
- But both Nick and Mary get in the closed school, a nice, easily
escapable area with unlimited space to run away if needed. Yep…SSMF #243720,
the not-very-smart horror hero(in)es. To cement that point, Nick says he
needs his clock to know what the time is. He can do that…or they could just look
at the one hanging right there on the classroom wall! To make up for all the
stupidity, they at least FINALLY admit that they could either play
rope-a-dope until midnight…or they could try and stop Santa. Which will be no easy
task, since he’s now here and lets us know that he means business. Or in
B-movie scriptese, “Who’s your daddy? Father Christmas!”
- Once in the school, Santa unveils another power, which is to
breathe fire. Nick: “Oh HELL NO!” Nope, I didn’t like that when Will Smith
says it in every other movie, and I don’t like it now. Well at least saying “
Hell no!” wasn’t saved for a reaction to Santa destroying the whole city (“
Hell? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”). Going back to the action, Nick and Mary are chased
into the school library, but are discovered and driven out with an ornament
stinkbomb. Santa then beans Nick with a copy of “A Christmas Carol,” allowing
him to comment, “Christmas can scare the DICKENS out of people!” In
response, Nick whines, “____ dammit, that hurt!” And Mary still chastises him for
taking the Lord’s name in vain. That reminds me of “edited for content”
airings of “Carrie,” where John Travolta gets extremely pissed at his
girlfriend for calling him a “(mute).” Yet until recently, they always let the “
Carrie White eats shit” graffiti on the gym door slip through. Go figure.
- Getting myself away from thoughts of a GOOD scary move, we find
that everyone ends up in a hockey rink, with Nick still crying like a
6-year-old about his head, and now having no family for Christmas. Mary though
reassures him that he has her. Before you can say, “Resolved sexual tension,”
however, Santa threatens to flatten the lovebirds with a Zamboni…but he is
stopped by an ethereal figure who speaks to him in fake Latin. Time to finally
confirm what most of us pieced together earlier on, as this turns out to be
Gramps, who has returned to his original angelic form (complete with cartoony
halo) to stop Santa once more. Lucky we happened to end up at an icy rink,
because that means…CURLING REMATCH~! The stips are Santa permanently ending
the Day of Slayings vs. Gramps surrendering himself to Hell (the eternal
damnation, not the town) for eternity. This time, Gramps gets the first shot…but
then Santa Pearl Harbors him and sends him into the hellhole anyway. But then
the clock signals midnight, so all is not lost. The Day of Slayings is over,
and Santa now must return to the North Pole and all.
- Or does he? Santa goes into a diatribe about how all the time
zones around the world converge at the Pole, so that means Christmas isn’t over
unless he says it is. He does have a point, even though it may be one he
turned into an absolute. After all, it’s Christmas somewhere until the Earth
makes a full revolution. Certainly in Hell Township, where it IS just 7 pm and
not midnight. Anyway, bottom line, our heroes are screwed…until Nick
remembers that he also has Gramps’ nutcracker that shoots flaming chestnuts
(explained by another bit of convenient science earlier in the movie) and lets Santa
have it.
- Or did he? When we come back from commercial, Santa is not the
worse for wear, and Gramps is still holding on for dear afterlife as Nick and
Mary try to pull him back out. Santa, still operating the Zamboni, does the
Kool-Aid Man exit once more, missing a golden opportunity to most likely do
away with Gramps and those pesky kids that were too busy rescuing him. I
mean, they are both bent over that hellhole, their hands full getting Gramps out.
Just a little shove at the very least, and your three worst enemies are
pushed into the pits of Hades. As a consolation, however, he does get to take
his aggression out by beaning Fake Santa (who was still in his sleigh, just
coming to) with a hammer.
- The rescue attempt successful, our heroes have a conference.
Gramps tells his Super Secret Movie Formulatic story about giving up his
immortality for Nick’s grandma, and then suspects that Santa is bluffing about
retaining his powers. So he suggests that they finish him once and for all,
showing probably the most motivation of the heroic characters. Then again, I
guess he got to Nick after all, as he literally drags Mary away to put a plan in
motion. Alas, Gramps cannot come along, as he cannot cross the Great Divide
(he didn’t have any trouble coming back to life in the other scene though!)
- Nick and Mary return to where Santa was previously giving chase,
and they find Mary’s brother and his hunting friends. I guess they used their
one stereotype (or two or three in one…) on Dick Zucker, as Mary’s Bro was
not portrayed as particularly flaming or anything. Or maybe there’s a “one
stereotype per scene” clause, cause we do get a blatant ripoff of Ned from
South Park among his buddies. Maybe that’s why Zucker and the donut-eating cops
weren’t stuffed in the same exact place. Or why Mr. Green doesn’t outlive
the rabbis. Anyhow, Nick persuades them of the fame and fortune that goes
with bagging a flying reindeer. The hunters don’t know what to make of the
offer until Santa actually shows up, at which point Mary’s brother says of
Nicholas’ warning, “*Luke* was right, it’s a reindeer!” They all bombard the
sleigh, and Mary hands Nick his own rifle, in what I guess was supposed to be a
dramatic moment, yet is soon rendered moot when Mary’s father shows up with a
bazooka and reduces Santa’s pet to bloody entrails. And I thought Goldberg
was tired of putting up with HHHeat-stealers by 2004.
- It must be pointed out that Mary, when talking to “Daddy!” sounds
just like Sally Field as Gidget. I should also point out that Fake Santa was
really Pastor Simmons, the crooked, porn-obsessed preacher from before. He
is found impaled on a flag post after Santa’s sleigh goes down. Apparently
he had Mary’s brother as an altar boy too, which is supposed to mean…oh, you
probably know!
- Before going off to celebrate, Vinny, the voice-boxed, cigarette
maven, mentions that he used his “llama loot” (whatever that is) to buy the
bazooka. “It-only-cost-me-a…lung,” he says. To which one of his hunter pals
replies in imitation, “And-your-vocal…cords.” Superfriends-style mass
laughter breaks out.
- So now Nick and Mary are left alone, recovering from their
experiences amid the Christmas Day of Slayings. Despite being shot out of the sky,
he figures that Santa is still out there. So for the movie’s climax, it’s
just the REINDEER who takes the dive to send the audience home happy? At
least other movies make you think for a few seconds that the main villain himself
bit it before teasing a sequel. What, was the guy who played Nicholas also “
too small” for Goldberg to put over? And worse still, that means there will
be a sequel?!!? As Nick says, “I think my saga’s just beginning.” What, “
A B-Actor’s Tale: Here and Back…To The Same Crappy Movies…Again”? Well, we
’ll cross that bridge – or jump off it – when it comes. For now, Nick plays
some “made you look” joke that even I couldn’t understand. This leads Mary
to playfully hit him, leading to this exchange: Mary: “You hit like a girl.”
Nick: “Yeah, well you kiss like a guy!” And despite saying so, Nick
still willingly accepts the off-in-the-sunset makeout scene.
- Meanwhile, at an airport, Santa does indeed confirm that he’s
alive and well, heading of course somewhere where another culture celebrates
Christmas at a different time. The nightmare continues…but not before we wrap up
with one of those “character update” montages. The highlight of which says
that when going to visit Nicholas (who moved somewhere where Christmas ISN’T
celebrated), Mary got Lost. Cause the actress is from that TV show. I don’t know,
I don’t watch most network television. (Editor's note:
she's Claire, the Aussie chic who had the baby)
- End credits roll, interspersed with bloopers, and it all finishes
with a shot of Santa looking at his list and asks, “Who’s Next?” Thank
goodness, I almost forgot he was Goldberg for a second.
THE BOTTOM:
If I didn’t love celluloid cheese like this (stuff you can just laugh at,
not be pissed off at), I’d give this the dreaded WOOF! Rating easy. Maybe a
negative WOOF! Just a Pomeranian Yip Yip Yip or something. Actually I still
would, but again, I love these B-movies. However, as I now recall, in the
opening I believe we see that Brett Ratner is responsible for this movie. Just
keep this stuff out of X3, I don’t need Juggernaut’s big debut being him
busting through the house of Bob Saget and killing him.
!-------------------end guest column-----------------!
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