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More from "OrangeGoblinFan". Who has now lapped me in number of reviews.
!---------------------begin guest column-----------------!
WWF July - August 1996 Television Footage:
- Wow, it's been a while since I did one of these. Continuing from the
June-July 1996 Compilation tape, we take a look at the build up to SummerSlam '96
and all the (un)interesting crap that happens that no one cared about then.
We're down to 3 more of these tapes once this is done, from October and
November of '96, and February-March of '97. In our last review, I used the "Queering
don't make the world work" joke a record breaking 8 times, and no, I won't
do it anymore here, unless my queering gets out of control.
"Wildman" Marc Mero (w/ Sable) vs. The Goon:
Once again, The Goon is being played by Bill Irwin, a notable journeyman of
various promotions from the late 80's-early 90's doing a gimmick of a crazy
Hockey player. I don't understand the nickname of Marc Mero, though. What
makes him a "Wildman"? Goonie drops the gloves and hammers on Mero in the corner.
Roughing by Gooner, but he gets cross checked. Mero to the outside, but he
meets the knees of Goon. Austin joins commentary while the Goon does
unnecessary roughhousing. Mero with a surprise small package gets a two count. Irish
whip, and Mero does some twirly thingy to take Goon down. Irish whip to the
corner and Mero meets the foot of Goon, and he charges out of the corner with a
clothesline. Jake Roberts is on the phone now, and he's "injured." Goon with
a snapmare out of the corner and into a chinlock while Austin and Lawler
mock Roberts' "condition." Lawler introduces Roberts to his tag team partner (it
looks to be a bottle of Jack Daniels). Not much more than punching happens
in the ring. Judging from the looks of some of the people in the crowd, this
match is not making them go happy. Mero catches Goon with a power slam for a
two count, but Goon takes over with some choking and into a chinlock. Lawler's
horrible jokes are more entertaining than this match. Mero seriously botches
a hurricanrana, so he goes to the back drop instead. Irish whip, and Mero
nails a running knee lift. The comeback doesn't last long though, and Mero is
out of the ring. Goon misses a checking into the steel steps, and we head back
inside following a Mero plancha. Slingshot leg drop wins it at 7:16. DUD
Horrible match and from the looks of it, these guys weren't on the same page.
Mero was doing his best work from this time frame, so it shows how bad Irwin
had to be to get a bad match out of Mero.
Freddy Joe Floyd vs. Mankind:
I smell a squash match here. Floyd's character is being a country bumpkin or
whatever, and Mankind is a deranged childhood pianist who was forced to live
in the sewers and befriended a bunch of rats. And people are surprised the
character got over. Floyd tries a waistlock, but Mankind elbows free and drops
him with a shoulder block. Floyd mule kicks Mankind out of the ring, then
takes him down with an arm drag. Floyd with a dropkick, but he misses... some
shit from the top rope. Irish whip to the corner, and Mankind kicks him in the
face. Irish whip to the corner and Mankind hammers away with short rights
and follows up with a running knee into the face. Mankind with a leg drop
across the back of the head. Floyd comes back with jobber offense (punching), but
gets taken down with a clothesline. Mankind places Floyd in the tree of woe,
but misses his running axe handle to the face. Floyd is coming back with more
punching and whacky kicks to the side of the head. He heads up top and nails
a diving back elbow for a two count. Oklahoma roll by Floyd gets another two
count. He goes to the top again, but Mankind crotches him. Mandible Claw is
applied, and Mankind crotches him across the top rope. It's over by
submission at 3:51, and cue the pleasant piano music. ** Pretty good for a short
television match, thanks to Foley's cool yet simple spots, and Floyd being able to
sell and allowed to make a match out of it without making Foley look bad.
Barry Horowitz vs. Goldust (w/ Marlena):
Horowitz was still around at this point? Damn am I surprised. Goldust is the
former Intercontinental Champion who is pissed off at everyone. Goldust's
intro goes longer than usual to make room for a backstage Mero interview.
Pillman makes fun of Horowitz while Goldust throws him out of the ring and into
the steps. Goldust hammers away, but the crowd doesn't care. Horowitz with
Jobber Offense(tm), but Goldust fights him off and takes Horriblewitz over with a
suplex. Goldust does nothing of note while controlling the match. Choking in
the corner from Goldust. Horowitz is whipped to the corners, and Goldust
finishes this doggy with the curtain call at 2:18. DUD Squash city, and nowhere
near being entertaining. If not for Pillman's random incoherent comments,
this baby is fast-forward material all the way.
- Vince McMahon with a special In-Ring Interview with Vader and Jim
Cornette. Vader is scheduled to face Shawn Michaels for the World Title at
SummerSlam. Cornette does all the talking, but nothing much of note worth mentioning.
We follow with a commercial, with the various heels of WWF fighting during the
medal ceremony, which includes Goldust grabbing Helmsley's ass to piss him
off and attack Vader.
WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
The Smoking Gunns (c) (w/ Sunny) vs. Shawn Michaels & Ahmed Johnson (w/ Jose
Lethario):
Interesting and somewhat historically significant match here. This is for
the titles, but Michaels and Ahmed hold the other 2 titles in the promotion,
thus giving away a big match like this on regular TV. Of course, WCW was
killing WWF in ratings at the time, so it didn't really matter. The Gunns rush the
ring for a brawl, but this doesn't work for them, and the faces clear them
out of the ring. Sunny still has white cream in her hair from earlier in the
night... when HBK and Ahmed dumped a birthday cake on her. Like no one saw that
one coming. Michaels rolls up Billy early for a two count and hammers away
with rights. A clothesline sends Billy flying out of the ring, and we get some
stalling du jour. Shawn slingshots Billy G. into the ring and goes directly
to the armbar. Ahmed tags in for the first time to hammer on Billy's arm and
grunt like a wild black man with a broken nose. Commercial break time, and ew,
a commercial for what looks to be Jaws 3-D or Jaws The Revenge. Shawn has
the wristlock of doom applied on Billy, and I'm fading fast. Bart makes the
miracle tag, but misses the elbow that always misses. Ahmed tags in to apply an
armbar, but he gets booted in the midsection and whipped to the corner. He no
sells all effects though, and clotheslines Gunn down. Irish whip, and Bart
catches Ahmed with a hot shot, making Ahmed your Injury Prone-Black Guy-in
Peril(tm). Ahmed quickly no sells Billy Gunn's offense, and Michaels tags in
with a double axe handle for a two count. Hip toss by Michaels, followed by a
1980's style hurricanrana. Thankfully, the Gunns hot shot the bastard when he
tries it again, to the delight of me and Jerry Lawler. Irish whip to the
corner, and Bart press slams Shawn across the top rope. (Hits fast forward) From a
second viewing, it looks like Michaels clearly called that spot for Bart to
hot shot him (giving a "thrust down" motion with his hand in Bart's
direction). Michaels mounts a comeback, but does the Flair bump in the corner and to
the floor. Back inside and Billy covers for a two count. Front facelock is
applied, and damn is this dog sucking. As I say that, we get the false hot tag
that allows the heels to double team the should be illegal face in the corner.
Commercial Break #2 and I give up. Straight to the finish... Ahmed cleans
house on the Gunns and nails Billy with a spinebuster. Sloppy bump to the
outside by Ahmed, and here comes Faarooq (dressed with a nerf helmet on) and his
humongous ass to attack Ahmed and draw the DQ at 11:03. Faarooq's ass was
nearing Rikishi levels of fat here. Anyway, this match sucked. 1/2* Because the
crowd was hot, but Michaels was clearly dogging it, and when the Smoking
Fucking Gunns have to carry the match, you're asking for trouble. As I type that,
Lawler calls the "unnamed attacker" "Ron Simmons".
Psycho Sid vs. Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw (w/ Uncle Zebekiah):
Blech... Sid sucks in the ring, and Bradshaw is one of the worst World
Champions in the history of Wrestling. At least other joke champions like David
Arquette lost the title within weeks of winning it. Back to the match... if I'm
not mistaken, this is Sid's first match on WWF TV (not counting PPV,
obviously). Crowd looks happy to see Sid back on Raw. We get a face-to-face,
followed by an exchange of rights. Sid bitch slaps the ornery Texan and kicks him in
the chest a few times before planting him with a Chokeslam. Bradshaw says
fuck it and nails Sid with his bull rope for the DQ at 1:04 because he was over
enough to be protected. Sid no sells elbow drops and double teaming from
Dirty Dutch and Hawk and clotheslines both to hell. POWERBOMB~! That gets a
fucking monster pop. Zebekiah eats a Powerbomb too. Give this man a title reign!
Oh wait... 1/2* Super hot crowd, but super lame match.
- Backstage Sunny cuts a promo with her newest protege, Faarooq Asad, and
challenges Ahmed Johnson to an Intercontinental Title Match at SummerSlam '96.
We all know how that ended up in the long run.
"Wildman" Marc Mero (w/ Sable) vs. Vader (w/ Jim Cornette):
This has a chance to be good, but I won't get my hopes up. Super piped in
face heat, as you can tell almost everyone is sitting on their hands going
not-happy. Cornette joins commentary to call Sable a dog. Apparently Mero's real
name is "Timmy" and Sable's is "Lassie." Lockup into the corner, and Vader
spits in his face. Boot to the midsection, and Mero escapes a suplex. Mero with
several clotheslines and some kind of jumping somersault kick to the face.
Crucifix attempt takes over Vader, but only for a two count. Vader drops Mero
with a clothesline then nails a wheel barrel slam. Vader makes Mero his bitch
in the corner, but Mero at least tries fighting back, unlike everyone else
in history. Short-arm clothesline by Vader followed by more nasty looking
punches in the corner. Irish whip and Vader connects with a clothesline and big
splash for a two count. Very methodical match going on here. Both men exchange
blows, and Vader wins that one by dropping Mero with a headbutt. Mero is
"Blacking-Up" and bounces off the ropes with a cross body press for a two count.
Mero clotheslines Vader out of the ring and nails the somersault plancha.
Back into the ring and Mero comes off the top with a double axe handle. He goes
to the top again, and botches a sunset flip... badly. He over jumped Vader by
3 feet. Vader misses a sit down splash, but catches Mero off the top with a
power slam for the pinfall at 6:25. *1/2 Much too slow, or "methodical" for
me, but it wasn't too bad of a match. Mero's botch near the end was pretty
fucking ugly, though.
- Jim Cornette and Jose Lothario have an in-ring confrontation, because of
Lothario punking Cornette out at International Incident. Shawn Michaels is
watching backstage in what's probably a taped bit. Cornette runs down Lethario
for being a washed up loser, so Lethario responds the way only he can...
violently. Backstage, we cut to Mankind putting Michaels out with the Mandible
Claw. Meh?
- Henry Godwinn (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. The British Bulldog (w/ Owen Hart):
Yuck... Backstage we have Aldo Montoya offering a match with Jerry Lawler
for next week. Lawler calls Montoya the designated driver for Jake Roberts.
Owen joins the commentary team while we get some stallering. Hillbilly talks
trash at Owen, and vice versa. You'd think they'd get over their feud from
losing to Bad News Brown and the Brooklyn Brawler back in 1989, but Owen has been
known to hold a grudge. Henry applies a side headlock and drops Bulldog with
a shoulder block. Godwinn goes back to the headlock again, and now he does
the wheel barrel slam for a two count. Bulldog runs out of the ring to stall for
time. Back inside, and Godwinn applies a wristlock. Bulldog counters into a
hammerlock, so Godwinn elbows him in the side of the head. Irish whip to the
corner, and Godwinn misses a charge. Stomping from Bulldog followed by a hard
whip to the corner. Bulldog runs into the boot of Henry, but recovers enough
to toss the stinky hog farmer out of the ring. Bulldog with a snapmare into
a reverse chinlock. Owen calls Bret a "crybaby" when he lost to Shawn
Michaels, and says he wouldn't do that if he lost to Michaels. Owen's commentary is
more entertaining than this match. Bulldog with an extra long and boring
chinlock spot as Owen defends the cast he has on his left wrist. Commercial break
means this match is even longer. Irish whip and Godwinn with a back elbow
for a two count. Slop Drop attempt, so Owen causes a distraction by dumping the
slop bucket on the floor. Bulldog with a clothesline from behind and a power
slam finishes HOG's night at 7:35. DUD Bad, Bad Match. At least Owen doing
commentary made it watchable. The slop looks like a fucked up fruit salad and
yogurt mixed with skim milk.
- Highlights of Mark Henry doing power lifting and dunking a basketball...
what the, Mark Henry was able to get his 400+ ass up for a slam dunk on a
regulation basket?! No wonder he remained employed... plus that 10 million dollar
contract didn't hurt either.
The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin:
This is Part 2 out of 45,094 in the Undertaker/Austin feud from 1996-2002.
Just think of it as the Attitude version of Strike Force, minus the fact they
never had any real problems to warrant so many matches with each other.
Austin offers a handshake and I notice Austin actually has a design stitched on
the back of his black trunks. Standing side headlock by Austin, but Undertaker
escapes and choke throws Austin into the corner. Austin no sells and applies
a wristlock. Undertaker counters then nails a hard right. Austin with a rake
of the eyes and some roundhouse rights. Undertaker no sells of course and
hammers away some more. Irish whip to the corner, and Undertaker nails the
diving clothesline. Austin begs off, but no dice. Wristlock by Undertaker, and he
goes to the top rope, only to be crotched by Austin. He stomps away at the
Undertaker now and drives an elbow into the throat. More no selling from
Undertaker, so Austin kicks him in the balls for being such a dick. Austin stomps
a mudhole in Undertaker and elbows him down to the canvas. Second rope elbow
drop gets a two count for Austin. Shoulder thrusts in the corner by Austin.
Undertaker turns the tide for a while, but misses an elbow drop, allowing
Austin to choke him more. Commercial Break. We come back with Austin applying a
chinlock. In an act of boredom, the tape cuts to Greg Valentine vs. The Giant
on Nitro for about a second. Wow... WCW was really doing good with stuff like
that? Austin plants Undertaker with a piledriver, but he sits up from it and
crotches Austin on the top rope. Chokeslam by Undertaker and a Tombstone
comes... but Mankind causes a distraction, and the fight outside the ring... for
NO DQ? Oh, Undertaker gets counted out at 9:58. 3/4* Damn... for two guys who
seemed to wrestle on average once a week in their careers, they managed to
have only 1 match that was worth anything. Undertaker, humanitarian of the
year, Tombstones Austin.
Aldo Montoya vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler:
Blech, and I just made fun of Greg Valentine vs. The Giant. Look at this
piece of crap match. Did McMahon honestly think booking a JTTS against a washed
up Memphis style wrestler was a good thing for ratings? Or maybe it shows how
fucking small the roster was, considering Marc Mero worked 3 matches in a 4
week taping on this here tape. Lawler is carrying around a bottle wrapped in
a brown paper bag. I'm wondering if this was Roberts idea, or WWE pulled a
"Hawk" on him by airing his dirty laundry on TV and forcing him into this
angle. We see a clip of the Montoya/Lawler match on Superstars where Montoya won
with a rather bad looking DDT. Lawler plans to do commentary during the
match... and suckers Montoya into getting kicked in the head. I didn't know "Aldo
Montoya" was Portuguese for "Sting." Lawler pounds away on Montoya, but gets
dropped with a punch to the throat. Irish whip to the corner, and Montoya
connects with a dropkick. Canned heat central all the way for Montoya. He comes
off the top with a fist drop then goes for the DDT, but Lawler hides in the
referees crotch. Irish whip, and Montoya with a back body drop. Mounted punches
in the corner followed by more rights. Irish whip, and Lawler catches
Montoya with the piledriver out of nowhere. Lawler with a second piledriver, and
that does it at 2:33. 1/2* Nothing much of a match here, as it was basically a
punchy match, but at least it was kept considerably short. After the match
Lawler grabs a bottle of Jim Beam and pours it in the mouth of Montoya.
The Body Donnas vs. The New Rockers:
And people think the current tag situation is bad. Take a look at 1 half of
the division from 1996. Hillbilly Jim comes out to do special commentary. The
Rockers attack from behind, or from in front of the Raw stage, whatever.
Sign observation in the front row: I'm Glacier. Zip gets stomped on by Cassidy.
Jannetty tags in, but gets caught with a small package for a two count. Skip
comes in to take down Jannetty while Cassidy stomps Zippy. Rockers with some
double teaming in the corner. Irish whip is reversed, but Zip's dropkick
misses. We go to a split-screen promo with Sunny & Faarooq Asad. Skip sends
Jannetty into the corner and mounts him with some rights. Irish whip to the
corner, but a series of counters leads to a Jannetty sunset flip out of a powerbomb
attempt for a two count. Hurricanrana from Skip, but we're too busy hearing
Ron Simmons ramble without saying "Damn." Cassidy tags in and gets dropped
with a double elbow and leg drop from Zip for a two count. Zip with chops and
an atomic drop. Jannetty with the blind tag, but only the New Rockers could
get caught with that spot. Now we cut backstage to the Godwinns and Smoking
Turds watching the match on a 5 inch TV. Skip drills Jannetty with a
clothesline, and heads up top for a swan dive headbutt for a two count. Skip escapes an
atomic drop, but gets hung across the top rope going for another
hurricanrana. Cut to the outside we see Cassidy connecting with a swinging neck breaker.
Skip gets rolled back into the ring and Jannetty covers for a two count.
Irish whip to the corner, and Cassidy nails a butt splash, followed by a Jannetty
clothesline for a two count. Skip and Cassidy exchange blows until Cassidy
takes him over with a snapmare and drops a leg for another two count. Double
teaming from the New Rockers and Jannetty drops Skip with a back elbow.
ANOTHER split screen video shows Gorilla Monsoon reinstating some really big guy
that is being represented by Clarence Mason. Skip continues taking a beating,
this time from Leif. Skip tries for a tag, but he gets dropped with a
spinebuster. Commercial Break and we see the match has evolved into a pier six brawl.
Jannetty accidentally crotches his own partner on the top rope, allowing
Skip to nail a hurricanrana! Zip goes up top, but the Gunns run in to throw him
off, drawing the DQ at 9:19. ** Good TV match, but the lack of heat for
everyone made it incredibly boring, and the constant cutting away from the match
shows how much the WWF cared about either team. The Rockers and Gunns
quadruple team the Donnas until the Godwinns run in to clean house.
- Kevin Kelly with a SPECIAL Interview with Shawn Michaels about his
upcoming match with Vader at SummerSlam. You know it's special because it was filmed
in front of what looks like a SPECIAL park bench, and SPECIAL outdoor
environment. Have I overused the term SPECIAL yet? If not, I just did it for a 4th
time, so huzzah to you! By the way, this is complete Fast Forward material,
if you didn't catch the hints.
- Raw Invitational Battle Royale:
(Participants: Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw, The British Bulldog, "Stone Cold"
Steve Austin, Owen Hart, "Wildman" Marc Mero (w/ Sable), Savio Vega, Mankind,
Ahmed Johnson, Goldust (w/ Marlena), Psycho Sid, The Undertaker)
Another point on just how pathetic the roster was... an 11 man Battle
Royale?! I've honestly never seen any less than 16, except for Cruiserweight Battle
Royale's, but then there's a legit excuse. There's only about 9-10 of them
to begin with. Undertaker rushes the ring to brawl with Mankind, and to really
piss me off, the Undertaker clotheslines Mankind over the top, and goes with
him, eliminating both men in a matter of 9 seconds. The Undertaker continues
brawling with Mankind back up the entrance area. Johnson throws the Bulldog
out at 1:13, an elimination I didn't expect to happen so soon. Nothing of
note happens, so I just sit back and relax. While nothing happens, WWE pimps the
Bikini Beach Blast Off, which is nothing but a lame excuse to show Sunny,
Sable, and Marlena in their bikini's. Oh yeah, and TL Hopper fished a poop from
out of the pool. While I type that, Sid back drops Bradshaw out at 2:37.
Austin hammers on Sid, and that would've been an interesting WWF Main Event. Too
bad Sid was too spotty with his work schedule, and Austin didn't matter
until it was Sid's time to leave again. Mero tries dumping Owen, but he skins the
cat. Mero isn't stupid... yet, and clotheslines him back out at 4:07.
Commercial Break and we come back to the same guys punching. Mero charges Goldust,
but gets back dropped out at 4:55. Savio nails his running leg lariat in the
corner on Goldust, but the idiot eliminates himself at 5:11. Undertaker and
Mankind brawl back to the ring, into the ring, and back out of the ring, while
the final four pair off (Sid/Austin, Ahmed/Goldust). Austin hammers on
everything moving while no selling Sid's offense. Goldust drops Johnson with a
clothesline then stomp-stomp-stomps away. Nothing much happens until Austin
no-sells an elimination attempt from Ahmed and Sid. Austin with a low blow on
Johnson, followed by a second rope elbow drop. Sign #2: GAY-Dust. Yeah, that was
a good one. [sarcasm off] Austin beats down Sid while Ahmed almost
accidentally eliminates Goldust. Spinebuster by Ahmed connects, but Goldust avoids the
Pearl River Plunge as we go to a commercial. Sid nails Goldust with the
powerbomb to a big pop. Austin eats a powerbomb too, and now we cut to footage of
Undertaker and Mankind brawling backstage in a "Boiler Room" because Sid
applied a fucking chinlock in a Battle Royale. Back in the ring, and all four
men are still in the ring. Bulldog and Owen wander to ringside, allowing Austin
to clothesline Sid from behind, and eliminating him at 13:23. Goldust and
Austin work together against Ahmed, for those who couldn't figure that one out.
It doesn't take long for the heels to turn on each other though. Johnson
interrupts the brawling to attempt to throw out Austin... and with the help of
Goldust, they do it (at 15:31). Ahmed beats the piss out of Goldust, but
collapses soon after, allowing Goldust to take over. Goldust with an elbow drop to
the kidneys followed by a piledriver as we go to ANOTHER commercial break.
Ahmed comes back with a rear choke. A shoulder tackle leads to both men
falling over the top rope, but Ahmed hangs on to become the #1 Contender at 17:52.
WAY too fucking long for a Battle Royale, especially when most of the
participants were eliminated in the first few minutes. This of course, wouldn't
matter, because next week we find out Ahmed needed some kind of emergency
surgery, putting him out of action for 4 months.
- For no apparent reason to do with wrestling, the tape continues, with Ren &
Stimpy singing the Kilted Canadian Yaksmen song that took the nation by
storm in 1992 and still hasn't shown signs of stopping. I'm not ashamed of
admiting I bust out this song now and then with no motivation.
Bodydonna Skip vs. Faarooq Asad (w/ Sunny):
Dear Chris Candido. Welcome to Squashville. Population: You. For those who
need to know, Faarooq's theme sounds something like what you could hear and a
B-movie based in the coliseums of Rome. I honestly don't know what to say
about this look. They take a former WCW World Champion, dress him up like some
kind of male stripper posing as a Gladiator (editor's note: or Jim Brown in "Mars Attacks!"),
and prance him around with Sunny.
Faarooq attacks from behind with an elbow, followed by some punches and
throwing Skip over the top and to the floor. Faarooq follows out with more
punching. Back into the ring we go and Faarooq continues the domination. I wonder
if he'll start a nation. Irish whip, and Candido tries a cross body press.
That doesn't work, and Faarooq turns it into a fall away slam. This match is
ugly, so the cameramen make sure to give us plenty of shots of Sunny to
compensate. Faarooq is seriously half assing here, or he's just really out of shape.
Faarooq with a scoop slam followed by a headbutt. We find out Roberts v.
Lawler will happen at SummerSlam. Skip with a small package for a two count, but
his offensive flurry doesn't last much longer. Faarooq with some kicking and
a throw into the corner. Irish whip, and Faarooq connects with a powerslam.
Skip gets in his jobber offense, but a whip to the corner leads to another
powerslam. Way to go with busting out the ring work Faarooq. Dominator finishes
Skip (and it looked pretty good) at 4:33. DUD This was all Faarooq, and it
was all bad. I'm just a mark for Sunny from 1995-97, so I'll be nice and not go
into the negative stars scale for this dog.
Clarence Mason's New Man (w/ Clarence Mason) vs. Savio Vega:
Yes, this is how the WWF is billing the match on the split-screen graphic.
After Savio and Finkel get jiggy with it, Mason brings out the man
formerly-and-still-known-as Crush, except dressed like a street thug and sporting
braided hair. Oh yeah, and a rub on tattoo on his forehead. Lockup to start and
Crush tosses Savio into the corner. Vega with rights to the midsection, but
Crush no sells and throws him down to the canvas. Crush with a standing side
headlock, followed by a thumb to the throat. Crush with choking, followed by a
sledge across the back of the head. Crush scoops up Savio and rams him into the
ring post. Back into the ring as we get a double feature replay. Crush with
a delayed scoop slam while someone screams "you suck", which is funny because
no one else was saying anything in terms of "boo" and "yay"." Crush misses a
fist drop, but he's no selling like it's 1985. Irish whip, and Savio busts
out the workrate by ramming Crush's face into the canvas. Savio gets in his
Jobber offense(tm), but Crush drops him with a big boot and follows with a leg
drop. Reverse chinlock is applied, and right now I'm wishing I was watching
Faarooq/Skip again. After a lot more of nothing, Savio misses his spinning heel
kick, and Crush finishes with... a FULL NELSON at 7:35. DUD Crap match and
that's all I'm saying, and yes, they gave this much time to this piece of crap
match. At least Crush didn't use his other finishing moves... the Head Vice
Thingy (Kona Crunch?) and the Heart Punch. Yeah, Crush really sucked when it
came to finishing moves.
The Godwinns (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. T.L. Hopper & Who:
AAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm sorry, but you can't possibly feel the pain that I am by
watching this match. Just take a look at every person involved here. You have
not one, but THREE fucking Hillbillies dancing around, and only 1 of them was
ever over enough to warrant being employed. None of them had talent, though.
T.L. Hopper is an evil plumber who would plunger people's faces after
beating them, and he went on to eat what was supposed to be a turd in the pool at
the Bikini Beach Blast. Finally, we have Who. Jim Neidhart must've pissed
someone off, because he's dressed up like an out of shape Jobber, and his matches
on Superstars consisted of Vince, JR, and Hennig going into the Abbott &
Costello routine of "Who's on first?" Mr. Bob Backlund comes out for commentary,
and I think it's this match he calls condoms "condominiums." Henry and Who
start the match off, with Henry controlling with a headlock, followed by a
shoulder block. Sloppy arm drag by Henry. Henry with a wristlock, and Phineas
tags in. Hopper tags in to pound on Phineas and apply a wristlock. Irish whip is
reversed, and Phineas takes him down with a delayed scoop slam. I honestly
am not paying attention to this match, so excuse me while I fast forward this
baby until I see the green of the Godwinns teeth. Phineas eventually becomes
the PIG in peril. Oh yeah, here comes the condominium comment. Maybe if they
actually paid attention to this match, I'd care. Henry eventually gets the
hot tag while we cut to Gorilla Monsoon rambling about nothing. Henry with the
Slop Drop on Who, and that ends this baby at 5:20. DUD This tape sure is on
a hot streak, huh? 3 horrible matches in a row, and all of them featuring
"New Talent" you could say.
- Mr. Perfect with a SPECIAL Interview with Bret Hart aboard some kind of
boat. Probably the Wrestle Vessel or some other lame name like that. Shouldn't
Hennig be mad at Hart for beating him a few times on PPV back in the day? Oh
well, not that it matters. Hennig is acting as a face around here, and Hart
completely ignores the "are you coming back" questions with double talk.
- Shawn Michaels (w/ Jose Lothario) vs. Owen Hart (w/ Jim Cornette):
Final match on the tape, and damn we finally get something that could be
good. Let's just hope Michaels feels like working, though. Owen is still
carrying around his Slammy, and Lawler makes a joke out of Backlund's condominium
joke regarding Owen's cast. We get highlights of the WWF at Madison square
Garden Friday night. Mark Henry punks out Hunter Hearst Helmsley to the delight of
someone. Michaels gets an amazing reaction... too bad almost everyone not in
the front row and female is sitting on their hands. We get a lame bit of
footage of Shawn Michaels... WALKING... on the set of Baywatch. Lockup to start,
and Owen applies a wristlock. Michaels counters, so Owen does his littler
bit to counter back and throw Shawn down. Michaels counters back, so Owen bitch
slaps him and beats him down to the canvas. Irish whip and Shawn counters
the enziguri with a reverse leg sweep. Nice spot. Owen tries dumping Michaels
out, but he skins the cat and yanks Owen out by the legs and nails a plancha.
From the looks of it, Shawn seems game for this one. Owen with a shoulder to
the midsection, but he misses a running heel kick. Michaels with a side
headlock into a takeover. Oh no, not a rest period already. We get a clip of the
infamous "Enziguri of Doom" incident from the November 20th, 1995 Raw. Irish
whip, and Michaels with a shoulder tackle. He counters an arm drag, and takes
over Owen with another and into an armbar. Owen counters with a scoop slam,
but misses with the cast elbow drop, and Michaels works back into the armbar.
Owen takes it to the corner with cheap shots, but takes the Bret whip into
the corner and Shawn drops him with a clothesline for a two count. Armbar is
applied again, but that's broken quickly. Criss cross sequence leads to an
overhead belly-to-belly suplex by Owen. Stomp to the groin area by Owen as we go
to a commercial break. We come back with Owen applying a camel clutch.
Michaels breaks free, but gets drilled with the running heel kick for a two count.
Owen goes to a reverse chinlock as we get a replay, with a much better camera
angle. Michaels breaks out with elbows to the midsection. Shawn blocks a
dropkick into a roll-up style pinfall, but Owen escapes and connects with a
clothesline. Premature celebrating by Owen as he goes up to the top rope. He
connects with a missile dropkick as we go to a commercial. Slam of the Week: Sid
powerbombs Marty Jannetty on Superstars. We take a look at a Luger/Sting v.
Hall/Nash match on Nitro while Shawn goes through his four moves of doom. For
those that don't know, it usually consists of the diving forearm, slam, elbow
drop, and superkick. You can say 5 moves if you count the kip up. Shawn
dropkicks Vader off the ring apron, fucking WHIFFS on Sweet Chin Music (ok, he
actually kicked Owen in the lower chest), so they repeat the spot, and Michaels
wins it at 9:39. *** Like someone else said, these two were incapable of
having a bad match with each other. Outside of the bit of resting in the middle
and the incredibly bad finish, this was easily the best match on the tape,
although it wasn't that spectacular, and was just a thrown-together pairing with
no back story other than "Cornette wants to soften Shawn up for Vader."
After the match, Vader makes Michaels his bitch and lays him out with Vader bombs.
Final Thoughts: You can see how fast I was getting tired of the WWF back in
1996. After several years of taping everything, I slowly stopped, to the
point I just taped Raw matches and completely ignored the weekend shows, and for
good reason. For every match that ranged from decent-very good, there was a
handful of bad matches that would make the baby McMahon laugh. I somehow lost
my tape with the August-September footage, so we pick up late in September
and for the stuff following the Buried Alive PPV.
!-------------------end guest column-----------------!
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