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- It's that time again for another really lame introduction to kill some time while the tape rewinds. Actually, there's nothing left to say that hasn't been said, so... meh. This tape covers the final weeks build up for the King of the Ring, a quick view of the PPV, and all (or maybe just some) of the build up leading to In Your House: International Incident. Just to get it out of the way fast... this tape is going to suck. I've been saying that for the last year of tapes, but this time I mean it. It sucks worse than the 2004 Arizona Diamondbacks, 1899 Cleveland Spiders, and 2005 New York Yankees combined (already a dated joke). Set the wayback machine to June 17th, 1996... Oh yeah, and happy Friday the 13th... muwahahahaha.... (I'm over-using the "..." like a ref-bump finish)
BUT FIRST! I must pimp something. Register on this message board or I will send a hockey mask wearing mongoloid with a machette and sign that reads "Queering Don't Make The World Work" to your ass and make you...
And now, on to the tape...
- King Of The Ring Quarter-Finals Match:
Savio Vega vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin:
Right out of the gate, and we get a match of Savio "The Puerto Rican Ninja Boss" Vega. Someone thought it would be a good idea to make the KOTR Tournament different, and by that, they no longer are doing three rounds on the PPV (totally killing the concept), and doing the 1st Round matches on regular television. You can see how interested I was in WWE here, since I only taped two KOTR Qualifying Matches, and two First-Round matches. Let's just say the tournament was really bad in 1996, but not worse than in 1995. In the last meeting between these two, Vega beat Austin in a Carribean Strap Match, which saw the end of Ted Dibiase in the WWF. In the Qualifying Round, Steve Austin defeated Bob "Spark Plugg" Holly, and Savio Vega pinned Marty Jannetty. Austin attacks Vega before the bell with forearms across the back and mudhole stomping in the corner. Austin with chops, but Vega no sells and nails with some of his own. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, but Vega nails Austin with an enziguri for a two count. Austin drags Vega out by the ropes and rams his leg into the post while McMahon talks about Vegas 1995 performance in the KOTR Tournament. Austin kicks the leg from under Savios leg and drops an elbow to the inside of the left leg. Sit-down splash across the knee, and Austin continues making Vega his bitch. Austin charges with a clothesline, sending Vega spilling to the outside. Vega returns fire with fire though, by posting the left leg of Austin. Back inside the ring, and Vega pounds away on the not-yet-named Rattlesnake. Irish whip, but Austin collapses when putting pressure on his left leg. Austin is in complete over-sell mode right now as Vega continues the punishment on the leg. Modified toe hold by Vega, but Austin punches him in the mouth to escape. Scoop slam attempt fails, causing Vega to land on top of Austin for a two count. Vega bounces off the ropes with a clothesline for another two count. Atomic knee drop by Vega (Ric Flair style), and covers for two count #593. Scoop slam, but Vega meets the knees of Austin on a splash attempt. Austin even sold the impact of Savio landing on his "injured" knee. Austin with a knee to the midsection, except he used his bad knee and goes down as well. Irish whip to the corner, and a head collision knocks both men down as we go to a Commercial Break. We come back with Austin missing a splash across the second rope. Both men exchange really heavy blows (I haven't seen worked punches that good in years), with Savio coming out on top. Irish whip, and Vega connects with the spinning heel kick, but Austin is in the ropes for the pinfall attempt. Austin takes a beating, but nails the Stone Cold Stunner (unnamed at the time) for the victory at 8:37. **1/4 Actually a pretty good match (for Raw, this is), although a little slow at times. Vega and Austin have always had good chemistry together, and Austin even admits one of his favorite people to work with was Savio.
- King Of The Ring Quarter-Finals Match:
"Wildman" Marc Mero (w/ Sable) vs. Owen Hart (w/ Jim Cornette):
The winner of this match faces Steve Austin in the Semi-Finals, and is the final match I expect to be good from WWF Television. Marc Mero defeated Bodydonna Skip in his Qualifying Match, and Owen Hart pinned Yokozuna who was on the job patrol. Owen Hart is also suffering from Bob Orton syndrome, sporting a cast on his forearm that would remain for a good 5-6 months. Highlights from this past episode of Superstars, where Barry Horowitz defeated Owen Hart by reverse decision thanks to new referee, Harvey Wippleman. Lockup to start goes into the corner, and we get a clean break, but Owen complains anyway. Lockup #2 into the corner, and Owen with a clean break... what a shocker. Go behind waistlock by Owen is reversed, but he counters with a drop toe hold into a front facelock. Mero escapes that and applies a wristlock, but Owen reverses into a hammerlock. Mero flips over to escape and takes Owen down with a hip toss. Lockup, and Owen applies a wristlock. Mero escapes and applies his own, then kicks away at the midsection. Owen escapes with rights, and applies a standing side headlock. Criss cross sequence, and Mero takes over Owen with a monkey flip followed by a series of arm drags. Mero goes to the "injured" arm of Owen, but he escapes with a monkey flip... but Mero holds on, totally killing the "escapes" portion. Irish whip, and Mero sends Owen down with a back elbow. Irish whip again, and this time Mero with a back body drop, followed by a scoop slam. Mero goes to the top rope, but misses whatever the fuck he was trying to do. Owen stomps away at the fallen Tooty-Fruity, then applies a reverse chinlock. Mero fights back to his feet and escapes with elbows to the midsection, but Owen kills him with a spinning heel kick, only for a two count though. Owen with a side back breaker, followed by more stomping to the back and midsection. Gutwrench suplex by Owen gets a two count. Mero with several rights, but Owen kicks him in the belt line and nails a standing dropkick as we go to a commercial... and stilled photos of Kevin Nash powerbombing Eric Bischoff at the 1996 Great American Bash? We come back to the match with Mero taking Owen over with a sunset flip for a two count. Owen continues the punishment though with rights and eye rakes. Snap suplex by Owen, and applies a Boston Crap. No, that's not a typo... I just like refering to Boston as "crap." Both men exchange chops before Owen takes Mero over with a Fisherman suplex for a two count. Scoop slam, and Owen goes to the top rope to miss a splash. Irish whip, and Mero with a back body drop, followed by a running knee lift. Owen comes back, but Mero with a very funky looking roll up (he hooked Owens arms with his legs and rolled him backwards) gets the three count at 11:38. **1/2 Fun match, but not as good as I remembered. After the match, Owen knocks Mero out with a cast-shot to the back of the head.
- Aldo Montoya vs. Jerry Lawler:
Oh crap... When that begins a sentence, it can't be a good thing. Lawler is scheduled to face the ULLLLLLLLLLLLLTIMATE "Queering don't make the world work" Warrior at the King of the Ring, so he gets to go over someone, and this weeks sacrificial lamb is Aldo Montoya, the man most famous for wearing a jock strap as a mask. Oh wait, this isn't an actual match. Lawler just beats the shit out of him until Jake Roberts comes looking for his crack pipe. Apparently, this was originally supposed to be Aldo Montoya vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley, but thank God that didn't happen.
- WWF Contract signing press conference highlights... of Brian Pillman, who was the first person I believe to be issued a guarante contract. Luck wouldn't be on Pillman's side though, since he was involved in a motorycle (or whatver) acident around this time that pretty much destroyed one of his ankles, and was slowly deteriorating as a wrestler.
- Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Goldust (w/ Marlena):
Out of shape Goldust vs. coked out of his mind Roberts... who blows a move first? I got bets on Roberts. Goldust is the Intercontinental Champion, but this is a Non-Title Match. Highlights from last month when Goldust gave Ahmed Johnson CPR. We play the stalling game to begin, so I get myself a drink. There's nothing done in the first two minutes of the match, so I just continue hitting the Fast Forward button. Highlights from the Action Zone in a very special interview with Jake Roberts about his demons (a.k.a drug addiction, in Vince McMahons words). Roberts applies a wristlock for the first offensive move of the match at the 2:30 mark. Goldust reverses into a go behind waistlock where he feels up Roberts... blech. Roberts grabs Goldusts gold strap IC Title and scares him off for MORE stalling. Roberts slaps Goldust on the butt, then hip tosses him out of the corner, where he lands right on top of Revelations (Roberts' new snake). Even more stalling as the crowd chants DDT, and we see Jake Roberts DDT the future WWF Champion Justin Hawk Bradshaw to advance in the KOTR Tournament. WWF is going all out in these highlights during this match. Goldust with the second offensive move, a punch, at the 5:00 mark, then rams Roberts into the ring post. Back inside the ring, and Goldust feels up Roberts some more for some CPR, so Roberts punches him in the mouth. This is like a horrible Coliseum Video exclusive from 1989-1991. Roberts with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a stomp to the midsection. DDT attempt is escaped with a back body drop as we get Mr. Perfect to now talk during the match. Roberts gets rammed into the corner, and whipped hard across the ring. Goldust with a modified bronco buster as we go to a commercial break. Attitude Adjustment Tour is touring the country this month! Back from commercial, and Goldust grapevines the left leg of Roberts. Roberts fights back with left jabs followed by a short-arm clothesline. Goldust lands near the ropes, where Marlena hands him a bunch of glitter. He throws the shit on Roberts face, then punches him for a three count at 11:42. -** What a horrible match. I knew this would be bad, but not this bad. Wippleman then sees Roberts' face is covered with glitter, then reverses the decision to make Roberts the winner. OK... -**1/2 for an even worse ending than it already was. Goldust starts queering (but that don't make the world work!), but Roberts learns from his blind angle in 1991 and DDT's Goldust after feeling around for him. OK, back to -** because I liked that angle and it was a cute spot.
- The Body Donnas (w/ Cloudy) vs. The New Rockers:
From the Free For All before the 1996 King of the Ring, and... well, words cannot describe the pain I feel for seeing this... CLOUDY?! God Damn, what is wrong with WWE and making men dress up as women? We are Joined in Progress (a.k.a JIP) because my cable providor forgot to tell us that the PPV transaction went through. Skip and Jannetty trade armbars until the New Rockers connect with a double clothesline then take down Zip with a double hip toss and elbow drop. Skip drops them both with a clothesline though, and takes over Cassidy with a hurricanrana. We cut to Cloudy, and then to Sunny backstage. The Donnas work over Jannetty on the video screen, but Sunny is the main attraction here. The New Rockers take over with a double japanese clothesline and Jannetty pounds on Skip rather weakly. Skip ducks a clothesline, but gets put down with a clothesline from Leif Cassidy. Double suplex to the outside on Skip in a pretty cool spot. Cassidy with a plancha (or something), but the camers angle was horrible. Jannetty in the meantime, does his best Rick Rude giration imitation. Back inside, and Jannetty with a snapmare into a reverse chinlock. The New Rockers switch off for a few minutes, and do nothing else of note. Cassidy with a snapmare, and back into the chinlock. During the match, Todd Pettengill (correct spelling for once) name drops "Bob Uecker" to make me mark out. Skip fights back on Cassidy, but gets caught in a Full Nelson suplex for a two count. Al Snow continues making a joke of himself by acting like a dork, allowing Skip to fighjt back. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, but Skip takes him over with a Northern Lights Suplex. Cassidy with a dropkick for a two count of his own. Jannetty tags back in with a boot to the midsection and connects with the Rocker Dropper, but opts not to cover and goes to the top rope. Jannetty crotches himself, but recovers to pull off the top rope Powerbomb a la Survivor Series 1995, but it just doesn't have the same impact. Both teams make tags to further make the move look rather silly, and the Donnas, of course, make the comeback. Zip with a gutwrench powerbomb to Jannetty, but Skip misses the big splash. Cloudy comes in and makes out with Cassidy, allowing Skip to roll him up for three at 7:08. * As good as a match as you could expect considering it's the Free For All, and the match was playing tag team with the whole Cloudy shit.
- King Of The Ring Semi-Finals Match:
"Wildman" Marc Mero (w/ Sable) vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin:
Short and Sweet rundown: Very good match that goes nearly 20 minutes (the first year that the tournament rounds didn't have 15 minute time limits). Midmatch Mero splits open Austins lip with that same leg hook roll up he did to Owen earlier in the tape. Austin eventually gets the win with the Stone Cold Stunner out of nowhere to advance into the Finals at 16:48. ***1/4
- King Of The Ring Semi-Finals Match:
Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Vader (w/ Jim Cornette):
Wow, going from the last match to this. Roberts gets squashed for a few minutes by the awesome Vader, but after a short comeback, Roberts goes for the DDT, but Vader takes out the referee at the same time, thus drawing the Disqualifcation, and advancing Roberts to face Roberts later in the show at 3:28. After the match, Vader destroys Roberts like he picked a fight with him in a bar, thus making his appearence later in the show doubtful. 1/4*
- WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
The Smoking Gunns (c) (w/ Sunny) vs. The Godwinns (w/ Hillbilly Jim)
Who cares, the match sucks. The Godwinns control most of the match because McMahon has a sick fascination for people dressed like Hillbillies. The Gunns recover though when they clock Phineas with a boot to retain the titles at 10:10. 1/2*
- The Ultimate Warrior vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler:
Blech... can we please get a good match here? I have no idea why this match is taking place in terms of booking decision. (editor's note: I think Lawler, a cartoonist, was pissed about Warrior's....COMIC BOOK).
Lawler makes fun of Warrior for Queering, smashes a painting of the Warrior over his head, and here we go. Lawler does the best he can to insult as many people as possible (and the Milwaukee Brewers) during his three minute entrance. Lots of ugly people that look like they sleep with their own family. Warrior gets a very mild pop (what a fucking surprise) for his entrance, which is about 2% as long as Lawlers. Lawler beats on Warrior with a KOTR prop before the bell, then chokes him for a while. Warrior no sells a piledriver, nails Lawler with a bunch of clotheslines, and finishes him off with the shoulder tackle at 3:51... yes, that was the entire match. Are you surprised? 1/4*, only for Lawler's pre-match ranting. I would make a gay joke about "queering" because of Warrior mounting Lawler, but I'm neither clever or smart enough to come up with something good.
- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Mankind:
Before being Buried Alive, brawling in Boiler Rooms, throwing fireballs in each others faces, and fighting on top of Cells, we have this, the first ever match between the Undertaker and Mick Foley on WWF Television, and it's possibly their worst. Very slow match with the occasional big spot from Foley. The turn is teased, as Paul Bearer "accidentally" knocks out the Undertaker with the urn, allowing Mankind to apply the Claw for the victory at 18:20. *1/4 Owen Hart during the finish pretty much blows the finish of the split between Undertaker/Bearer by accusing Bearer of doing it intentionally because he's tired of the Undertaker. Am I alone in liking Foley's double theme in WWF (one theme for his entrance, and a seperate for the finish).
- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Goldust (c) (w/ Marlena) vs. Ahmed Johnson:
This is the blowoff to when Goldust gave Ahmed mouth-to-mouth resusitation, which causes Ahmed to scream the now famous battle cry, "Queering Don't Make The World Work!" Quite possibly the best match you can expect when making this combination in a match to go longer than a few minutes. Ahmed makes the big superman comeback, and destroys Goldust to become the first ever afrian-american Intercontinental Champion at 15:33. **1/2 If Ahmed weren't so injury prone, he might've become a World Champion (judging by crowd reactions around this time). I guess having Sid take the title a few times was better... (laughs).
- King Of The Ring Tournament Finals:
Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin:
Before the match, we get a minor nod at the past as Austin and Pillman have a brief confrontation in the aisle (Cough:Hollywood Blondes:cough). Pretty poor choice for the Finals, although I guess it makes sense. Roberts is the old man looking for the big win, and Austin is the "young" up-and-comer. Roberts has his ribs taped up, but still sells it, because it's not MAGIC Tape. Austin wipes the floor with Roberts before killing him dead with the Stunner to become the 1996 King of the Ring at 4:37. After the match, Austin makes his now famous speech, debuting "Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass" (to counter a Jake promo earlier in the night), and "That's the Bottom Line, 'Cayse Stone Cold Said So." 1/2* for the post-match promo.
- WWF World Championship Match:
Shawn Michaels (c) (w/ Jose Lethario) vs. The British Bulldog (w/ Jim Cornette & Diana Smith):
Mr. Perfect is the outside-enforcer for the match, although all week it was hyped that he would be the actual referee of the match. This was the finale of the "Shawn wants Diana Hart-Smith" feud, which sucked large amounts of ass. The match is pretty good, but too fucking long and dull to be bothered with. All match Owen (who has been doing guest commentary all night, and ruling) makes some good comments, totally showing up Vince McMahon, and to an extent, Jim Ross. Michaels eventually wins, who cares how, at 26:22. Afterwards, Camp Cornette does a beatdown on Michaels, until Ahmed Johnson and The ULLLLLLLTIMATE Queerior make the save, which sets up the next months big match. ***1/4 Well, that isn't the kind of match I expected after a shitload of verbal blowjobs the match is given.
- Non-Title Singles Match:
Ahmed Johnson (IC Champion) vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley:
From the night after King of the Ring, and man... 7 years before Wrestlemania XIX, and it was the black man beating the crap out of Helmsley, instead of the other way 'round. Hunter barely gets a ring introduction here... I wonder who's jobbing. Lockup t start, and Ahmed shoves Helmsley around like a bitch. Hunter with a boot to the midsection, followed by applying a standing side headlock. Ahmed escapes, and applies an armbar. Special Referee for the match is "Evil" Harvey Wippleman. Irish whip, and Johnson puts Helmsley down with a shoulder block. Ahmed with a side headlock now... (hits Fast Forward) Sorry, I've been hooked on the Amazing Race and their awesome clip jobs. Helmsley EVENTUALLY escapes the hold, but can't do anything but sell for, in the immortal words of Art Donovan at KOTR '94, "This Guy." Hunter dumps Ahmed outside, and puts him down with a baseball slide. Ahmed is sent into the steel steps, Hunter poses, I yawn, blah blah blah. Back inside, and Helmsley works over the big Johnson and then mounts him... for some punching. Hey Hunter, queering don't make the world work, didn't you listen to the Warrior's speech?! Hunter with the running high knee, followed by a reverse chinlock as we go to a commercial. We come back, with more boring nothing going on. Ahmed makes the Black-Superman comeback, and destroys Helmsley with the Pearl River Plunge (I'm surprised Vince didn't have the "R" become a "C" to become controversial) for the victory at 10:24. -* Way too long and boring, plus these two guys were horrible wrestlers back then. Hell, Ahmed sucked even more as the years went on, while Helmsley improved enough to not suck this bad.
- The Body Donnas (w/ Cloudy) vs. The Brooklyn Brawler & Jerry Fox:
Sunny joins the commentary team for this match, in hopes of getting this stupid angle over (it lasted another week or so before being dropped and never mentioned again). To make this more horrific, we get footage of people who sent in videos of themselves to become the Body Donnas manager, and one looks like a dead ringer for Andre The Giant, except Amish and a foot shorter... and really really dumb... er. Zip and the Brawler start the match, with the Brawler controlling with chops. Irish whip, and Zip takes over the Brawler with an arm drag followed by a scoop slam. Skip tags in and comes off the top rope with a double axehandle, followed by some wristlock work. Brawler works the eyes and applies a side headlock. Irish whip, and the Brawler with a shoulder block. Criss cross, and Skip kills him with a head scissors, but that's no sold. Jobber tags in wearing Sparky Pluggs old tights (seriously, why is he weating checkered flags and rainbows on his tights), but is taken down by Skipper. Zipper tags in to Zip the match up, and they finish him with a top rope hurricanrana and sit down splash at 3:56. DUD Just a squash, but at least it was better than the last match. Also, why is Cloudy acting like Goldust? Next we they pimp Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty... I would've had that to review, but a nameless graseball cocksucker screwed me over yet again out of it.
- Aldo Montoya, Barry Horowitz, Savio Vega vs. Vader, Owen Hart, British Bulldog (w/ Jim Cornette):
The pre-match graphic has Bob Holly listed as a member of the Job Squad '96 team, but it's Jobbio Vega instead. Oh well, neither were that good anyway. Vader scares away everyone, but Owen Orton Jr. starts with Horriblewitz. Owen with a boot to the midsection, followed by several rights. Irish whip is reversed, and a criss cross leads to a Horowitz arm drag followed by a high knee. Owen fights back with more punching, but gets sent to the corner and monkey flipped. Horowitz with a wristlock, but Owen tags out to Bulldog. Savio gets hammered on, but comes back with a cross body press for a two count. Standing side kick by Savio, followed by an arm drag into an armbar. Vader tags in and beats on Savio like he was a Dirty Mexican working construction on route 776... whoops. Vader with a short-arm clothesline, followed by some barking. I didn't know Vader's gimmick was to rip off the Junkyard Dog. Savio takes a beating like it was the night after Rumble '96, but floors Vader with a spinning heel kick, followed by a super kick. Montoya tags in and he drops Owen with several dropkicks. Irish whip, and Owen connects with a spinning heel kick. Bulldog tags in and plants Montoya into the canvas with a delayed vertical suplex. Vader tags back in and kills Aldo with a chokeslam. Bulldog comes back in for some squashing in the corner, and Davey Boy finishes it with the running powerslam... but refuses the cover, and tags in Owen to apply the Sharpshooter for the REAL victory at 4:19. * Fun squash match... I wonder if Camp Cornette is just being set up to lose to the three Ego-Maniacs at IYH: International Incident.
- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin:
Several years before it meant everything, this was the first ever encounter these two have had on WWF Television. However, both men had a match in the old USWA back in 1989 when both were rookies, and it was an ugly 90 second squash match. Pillman comes out and actually says "God Damn" on the microphone... now that's a Loose Cannon, especially in WWF Land. Austin with the sneak attack in the corner, but the Undertaker no sells like he's never no sold before (I'm a liar, yes), and hammers away on Austin with chops and kicks. Austin gets sent into the turnbuckle a few times, and Undertaker follows with a hard Irish whip. Irish whip, and Undertaker takes down Austin with a big boot, followed by a clothesline. Lawler annoys Bearer at ringside (who's actually a bit funny), but Bearer gives him the... COLD shoulder. Hahaha, I kill myself. Austin pulls 'Taker outside for more punching, but gets rammed into the ring post and steps. Back inside we go, and Undertaker chokes Austin across the middle rope. Undertaker does stuff until Austin tries mounting a comeback as we go to a commercial break. Instead of paying attention to the rest of the match, I'll just think about some funny Friday the 13th moments. Who in gods name thought Part V was a good idea? Sure, the killings ruled (Die, Joey Die!), but come on... a Fake Jason? I wonder if Vince McMahon was watching the movie when he came up with the Undertaker vs. Undertaker feud, or maybe he stole it from WCW when they had BARRY WINDHAM dress up like Sting at Halloween Havoc '90 to "confuse" the referee. Another commercial break leads into more nothing happening. Goldust throws Gold Dust (not the drug or whatever) in the Undertakers face, drawing the DQ at 9:54, but he no sells more and destroys Austin. 1/4* Because it had me thinking about Friday the 13th... I don't know how either, but it's just one of those things, like Leprechauns, the Boogy Man, and Michael Jackson.
- In a move that should surprise NO ONE, The Ultimate Warrior rubbed someone the wrong way (Queer!) between the King of the Ring and International Incident. Apparently (from Warrior's POV), he had to attend his fathers funeral without giving any notice, which ended up being the last straw. Warrior was sent packing for good, and in his place, who did the WWF bring back? PSYCHO SID~! OK, not too big of an announcement, but damn it made me mark out. WWF explained Warrior's absence with an "Indefinite Suspension", then had the trio of Vader, Owen, and Davey Boy beat the ever loving shit out of him on Monday Night Raw.
- "Stone Cold" Steve Austin vs. Sonny Rodgers:
From an episode of Superstars, when the show was becoming more and more crap until the show was ditched completely and turned into a Recap show in the Winter of 1997, where WWF did a half-assed "Best of Superstars" episode, which hardly aired the best stuff since Superstars was home to 96% of the WWF angles from the 1980's through 1992. Anyway, this was during Austins "rebel" period where he didn't feel like wrestling, and thus forfeits the match to whoever the Jobber he was scheduled to compete against was. Oh yeah, and then Austin beats the crap out of them, because he felt like doing it. No Match, No Rating.
- The Bushwackers vs. R.T. Williams & Rod Bell:
WWF Commercial for the Wrestle Vessel... what a stupid name for a boat trip. What kind of idiot would use a name like that? From an episode of the Action Zone... and why the hell did I record this? I must've been desperate to fill up tapes or something around this time. The Bushwackers are thankfully in their last run with the WWF (although their suck smell still hasn't rubbed off), where they basically were used to fill up spots and to do stuff that no one would remember. Your usual squash match from the Bushwackers... if you don't know what that means, just imagine a horribly slow match with lots of stalling and marching around. The Bushwacker have become Australian, tossing out boomerangs to the crowd, where a really fat kid (probably Yokozuna's son) catches one and jiggles a lot. Butch hammers away on Williams with weak punches and kicks, followed by a clothesline and fist drop. Luke tags in to punch some more, but gets put down with a back elbow. Bell tags in with a stomp to the balls, followed by a fake rake in the corner. Irish whip to the corner, and Luke catches him in with a boot to the face followed by a lunging clothesline. Butch tags in and does more punching. Irish whip, and Butch with a thrust to the throat. Battering Ram is faked as Brian Pillman comes out. They nail it for real on Bell, and that ends it at 2:42. Pillman acts like a Bushwacker (high-larious), then in a moment that makes me mark out, knocks the crap out of Butch with his crutch! Thank God this ended up being the last match of the Bushwackers I have on these tapes. 1/4* For Pillman doing something I'm sure 99% of all fans with a brain would want to do... knock out a Bushwacker.
- The Goon vs. Dan Jesser:
Ah... glorious memories of "The Goon"... OK, my definition of glorious is pretty weird, but let's just say, whoever came up with the gimmick must've been out of ideas (even compared to dressing up someone like big foot). The Goon is being played by veteran journeyman Bill Irwin, who's most notable run in any of the big promotions was the NWA from 1989-90. The gimmick is that he was a hockey player so violent, that he was banned from the NHL, and now for some reason he's a wrestler. To make it even worse, he actually wears Hockey jerseys and pads in the match, including boots that resemble ice skates. Hell, we even get an actual video of the Goon "playing" Hockey and cheating, and Jim Ross even calls him "Bill Irwin." The Goon drops the gloves and hammers away on Jesser in the corner. Irish whip, and he clotheslines him in the back of the head in tribute to Outback Jack. Goonie pounds away on Jesser some more with punching, followed by a back elbow. Headlock by the Gooner, as Goon-a-mania continues to run wild on a dead ringer for Stevie Richards... current version. Jesser with a wristlock, and he takes Goon over into some more arm working. Goon comes back though, and nails a running high knee in the corner. Irish whip, and Goon with a blow to the midsection and more punching. Sloppy back body drop by the Goon... someone please end this match! I'd rather suffer through a Nailz match. The Goon sends Jesser outside, and then nails him with a Hockey charge into the ring apron, and that gets the victory at 4:23... yes, that was the actual finish! DUD I oh god... I'm speechless for once.
- The Undertaker Music Video. Basically clips of him beating the crap out of every midcarder currently on the Roster, with random clips of Mankind beating his ass thrown in to mess things around. One of the first "Music Videos" WWE has done in quite a while, not including that horrible Shawn Michaels fake retirement angle where he "Concussed." The Undertaker is scheduled to face Goldust at International Incident, which could possible be a WMOTY candidate if both men play their cards right. I know a lot of people complain about the Undertaker, but come on. If you were pushed into horrible feuds non-stop for nearly 5 straight years, I think you would have an attitude about "doing jobs" and "protecting your spot" too.
- Vader, Owen Hart, The British Bulldog (w/ Jim Cornette) vs. Bill Payne, Rich Royal, Kevin Kruger:
Damn, when was the last time three potential main eventers were stuck in a 6-man tag match in a squash set on the C-Show? I'm going to say here, because I don't remember this kind of injustice ever happening before. This is pretty much the exact same match as the previous 6-man, as the evil heels of Camp Cornette systematically destroy the Jobbers. Everyone gets their ass kicked until Bulldog puts one of the losers away with the Running Powerslam at 4:01. After the match, the heels beat up the remaining two opponents (with Vader stiffing one of them). 1/2* Only because I'm a mark for everyone in this match... except for the Jobbers of course.
-"Wildman" Marc Mero (w/ Sable) vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley:
From an episode of Superstars (or was it still Action Zone?), and the final match on the tape... and there is no chance in hell of me reviewing a second Hunter Hearst Huckleberry match on one tape, so I'll do it in super fast forward. Helmsley once again has a JIP Introduction... yep, he's still on the Job Squad, all because of the KLIQ incident. Midway through the match, Marlena comes out to give a message to Sable, which disturbs her (or as disturbing as her acting abilities are). The match continues to drag on with slow offense from Triple Haitch. Mero makes the Little Richard comeback, and finishes Helmsley off with the top rope hurricanrana at a way too long time of 10:15. DUD Judging from the Fast Forward material, it was probably worse than that, but I just couldn't suffer through another match like this.
- WWF Wrestlers discuss who their favorite WWF Female is... funny hearing Jannetty acting like he is (a groupie lover), Owen Hart saying there is no room for women in Wrestling (hear, hear!), and Skip (Chris Candido) putting down his own girlfriend in favor of a man dressed up like her. I labeled this as not being too bad, but it ended up being worse.
Final Thoughts: You can start to tell that I was getting tired of the WWF. Not one thing was taped in a three week period between KOTR and International Incident, missing out on the big Jannetty/Michaels match, Warrior/Owen where Owen got to beat the piss out of Warrior, and the entire Jake Roberts is a bible thumper angle that started the jokes from Lawler about him being an alcoholic. The next tape picks up the pace though, with every Raw building up to the 1996 Summerslam PPV, and not much else. We also get a bunch more debuts and Wrestlecrap Elite matches... but who will it be?
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