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WWF Tape Review (March - April 1996)
- Hell continues, as it's that time again... it's time for the Survivor Series! Wait... that's not right. Stupid Wrestlemania IX song. Actually, it's time for Wrestlemania XII from the Anahiem Pond in California, with a bunch of crappy matches leading up to the event. We are 13 days away from the big show, so let's go to the first match from Monday Night Raw.
- Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. The British Bulldog (w/ Jim Cornette):
It's the battle of the two wrestlers who are part of a big tag team match coming up at the next PPV.
(editor's note: or, as Phil Keoghan would say: "this is a ROADBLOCK match...a task that only
ONE team member may perform"!) Odds of people pulling a pre-Survivor Series brawl are very good. McMahon takes a cheap shot at the Mike Tyson/Frank Bruno massacre the weekend before. The two lockup and we get a clean break in the corner. Roberts with a wristlock, which goes into a series of counters into the same hold. The two exchange hammerlocks until Roberts connects with an elbow to the side of the face, but Bulldog avoids the DDT attempt. Back inside, and Roberts applies an armbar. Irish whip, and Roberts with a hip toss, followed by another failed DDT attempt. Bulldog kicks away at Roberts in the corner and works him over in the ropes, allowing Cornette to get in a cheap shot. Bulldog punches and kicks some more until he misses a leg drop. Robert with a series of jabs, and connects with the DDT after avoiding the Powerslam, only getting a two count thanks to Jim Cornette. Instead of actually winning, Roberts chases Cornette with Revolations (the new snake he has) until he takes the count-out loss at 4:52. 1/4* Just for sympathy for Jake Roberts ongoing legal problems lately.
- We take a look at the awesome training videos for Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, preparing for the upcoming Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania XII. Michaels is training in San Antonio, TX (apparently), and being helped by Jose Lethario. Shawn shows off some Luchadore-esque head scissor takedowns and arm drags. Bret Hart is training in, (gasp), Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and shoots on Michaels. The words describing Shawn include "Irritating", "Obnoxious", and "Cocky", which is a lot nicer than what he said a year later. He also hints at calling Shawn a queer with his lame-ass dancing.
- WWF-Intercontinental Championship Match:
Goldust (c) (w/ Marlena) vs. Making A Difference Fatu:
The result of this should come as no surprise, but maybe Fatu can make a difference and beat the homosexual movie buff who likes to feel up people who pretend to be Cubans. The cameraman, probably taking orders from Vinnie Mac, takes a nice long pan of Marlenas backside, and apparently Goldust is wrestling the match with a kilt on. I wish Heenan was around to argue that it's not a skirt. Fatu punches on Goldust a few times and connects with a back body drop. Irish whip, and Goldust with a series of punches. Irish whip again, and now Fatu slaps Goldust on the ass a few times. Shit happens as Raw no sells Piper on the phone, and Goldust finishes Fatu off with a clothesline from heck after Fatu missed a splash, and the Curtain Call at 2:29. DUD Of course... I guess the only Difference Fatu made was proving Goldust wasn't interested in a fat samoan feeling him up.
- Interview with Jim Cornette, Vader (wearing a University of Colorado sweater), Bulldog (wearing new tights), and Owen. They accept the challenge for Wrestlemania XII against the team of losers, then we find out if Yokozunas team wins, he gets 5:00 with Cornette. He then demonstrates on a dummy what he will do to Cornette. Guess he booked this...
- In something that pisses me off, we get footage of the WWF at Madison Square Garden the afternoon before this episode, where the main event was Bret Hart & The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels & Diesel. Big brawl has Diesel and Undertaker brawling around the arena, until Diesel comes back in and attacks everyone with the chair... including Shawn! I guess this makes him 1000% a heel now. Oh my God, Vladimir is there! Sorry...
- Barry Horowitz vs. Diesel:
Squash time! Nice to see WWF finally re-found Horowitz's true place in the WWF...lying on his back counting the lights in the roof. Diesel slaughters Horowitz in the corner with elbows and a shit load of knee lifts. Diesel connects with a short arm clothesline while Paul Bearer brings a coffin at ringside. Diesel puts Horowitz down with a side suplex, but Horowitz no sells and gets some jobber offense in before eating a big boot for two. Diesel goes back to 1993 and finishes Horowitz with a straight punch to the face at 2:05. DUD Now THAT is what I call Jobbing. Diesel afterwards opens up the coffin and finds... Beatrice Arthur. OK, I'm kidding. It's just a life-sized (or probably half-sized) mannequin of himself. Whoopy...
- Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Tatanka (w/ Ted Dibiase):
It's a new record...six consecutive Bret Hart matches that really suck. Sure, I'm jumping the gun a little, but when Tatankas best match peaks at **, you don't often expect him to be any good. Lockup, and Tatanka hammers away on Hart with his over-head punches. Irish whip to the corner, and Bret with a boot to the face followed by a second rope clothesline. Bret with a headbutt followed by a series of elbows. Wristlock by Hart, followed by a takeover and knees into the elbow. Irish whip and Bret with a crossbody press for two. Irish whip and Tatanka catches Hart with a clothesline as the 1-2-3 Kid comes to ringside. Tatanka stomps away on Hart and chokes him out in the corner. Irish whip to the corner hard, and Tatanka follows up with a side suplex for two. Chinlock applied, but Bret fights free until he runs into a knee lift. Scoop slam and elbow drop gets two for Tatanka. Irish whip, and Hart surprises Tatanka with a small package for two. Clothesline by Tatanka as we go to a Commercial Break. We come back to a boring chinlock, and once again Bret fights free before being slammed down. Tatanka to the top rope, but he gets caught with a fist to the midsection. Russian leg sweep, Inverted atomic drop followed by a clothesline, back breaker, and second rope elbow drop by Hart, a.k.a the Five Moves of You-Know-What. The Kid and Dibiase break up a Sharpshooter attempt, but heel miscommunication leads to a roll up by Bret for the three count at 6:55. *1/2 Eh... I've seen worse, but like I said, Tatanka really sucked unless he took his magic workrate pills, which was as often as the Luger did from 1995-2001.
- Tag Team Title Tournament Semi-Finals Match:
Savio Vega & "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (w/ Ted Dibiase) vs. The Body Donnas (w/ Sunny):
Razor Ramon is "injured" (a.k.a coked out of his mind and suspended), so Vega has a substitute partner. The person who volunteers is actually Steve Austin, who is feuding with Vega. The result is no mystery. For those who need a recap of the first round results...
Savio Vega & Razor Ramon defeated Tatanka & The 1-2-3 Kid
The Body Donnas defeated the returning Bushwackers
The Godwinns defeated the NEW Rockers
Davey Boy Smith & Owen Hart defeated Barry Horowitz & Hakushi.
Anyway, Vega starts the match...and if the person reading has at least 1/99th of their brain intact, they should know Austin never tags in. Last Week Highlights: Steve Austin beats the piss out of Aldo Montoya. Savio starts the match with Zip. Lockup, and we get a go-behind into a hammerlock by Zip. Vega reverses and we get a bunch of reversals. Savio with a side headlock, and Zip reverses with a head scissors. Another series of reversals over a headlock, and Skip tags in only to be taken down with arm drags. Savio continues dominating until he goes for a tag, which Austin brushes off. The heels dominate, and Zip plants Savio like a... plant with an awesome gutwrench powerbomb for a two count. Savio makes the superman comeback and attacks Austin. Running heel kick by Vega on Skip, but the referee is distracted. Austin comes off the top rope with an elbow on Vega, allowing the Body Donnas to pick up the victory at 4:13. 3/4* I've seen worse, and it had its purpose.
- Bunch of Random Footage: WWF Maximum Heat Tour comes to Madison Square Garden on May 19th, 1996, which will have a Steel Cage Main Event (I'm sure everyone knows what happend here, but if not, I'm not spoiling it). Jake Roberts, Ahmed Johnson, and Yokozuna promo follows. Next Week on Superstars will be the 500th Episode, featuring The Godwinns v. Bulldog & Owen, as well as Goldust being in action. Finally, a Bret Hart Music Video airs.
- Shawn Michaels (w/ Lose Lethario) vs. Leif Cassidy (w/ Marty Jannetty):
If the Cassidy gimmick wasn't completely lame, this could've been a good match. It's Michaels vs. his 2nd Rate Replacement so we know who wins, but will Jannetty be involved? The camera dude pans some really ugly fans (Dolphin-Teeth Fans), before the match starts. Leif with a dorky-ass handshake and the two lockup into the corner with a clean break to boot. Bret comes out for Color Commentary, sending Lawler away. Lockup, and Michaels with a side headlock followed by a shoulder block. Criss Cross sequence, and Cassidy with a double leg takedown, which is escaped quickly. Michaels with an arm drag takeover into an armbar, and as I say that, I almost missed my chair sitting down. Ha Ha Ha.... anyway, Michaels turns it into a hammerlock, which leads to a good reversal sequence which ends with a Michaels cross body press for two. Arm drag and back to the armbar for Michaels. Irish whip, and Cassidy KILLS Michaels with a Spinebuster-Bomb! Cassidy connects with a twisting Rock Bottom and applies a modified surfboard. Commercial Break, and we come back with Cassidy connecting with a suplex and applying a chinlock. Bret says Michaels was beat up by 9 Cheerleaders in Albany (Hilarious remark), which shows even more Bret hated Michaels back then. Michaels fights free with punches, and turns a crucifix into a roll up for a two count. Awesome reversal sequence by the two gets a shit load of two counts. Cassidy seriously fucks up a Powerbomb spot (unless that was the plan) and drops Michaels on his neck. Cassidy sets Michaels on the top rope and connects with the superplex for a two count. Michaels blocks a second attempt and connects with a top rope clothesline, and then does the magic Kip-Up. Several atomic drops by Michaels, followed by some jabs. Irish whip to the corner, but Jannetty trips up Michaels (Wooo!), but Bret stops the shenanigans, allowing Michaels to KO Cassidy with Sweet Chin Music for the victory at 8:29. *** Pretty good match, which surprised me since I remember not liking this match too much. Afterwards, Michaels and Hart have words while completely ignoring Jannetty is 5 inches away from them.
- Aldo Montoya vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley:
Helmsley has to prepare for his Wrestlemania match against THE ULLLLLLTIMATE Warrior, so he gets to squash everyones favorite pro-jock strap wearing wrestler. Speaking of Warrior, we get another fucking video of highlights about him (this time from Wrestlemania VIII, and completely ignoring Sid, Hogan, and Shango). Helmsley with the sneak attack, but gets caught with an arm drag out of the corner followed by a slam. Aldo misses a splash, so Helmsley does his shitty ass offense of punches and choking before connecting with the running high knee. Vertical suplex by Helmsley followed by a knee drop for a two count. Both men exchange blows until Montoya catches Hunter with a cross body press for a two count. Montoya with a dropkick, followed by a DDT and clothesline. Cross body gets another two count, but an Irish whip goes wrong and Helmsley catches Montoya with the Pedigree for three at 4:29. 1/4* Boring... like that was actually a mystery.
- Ahmed Johnson vs. Owen Hart (w/ Jim Cornette):
The final match on the tape before the big PPV...and damn it, Owen is going to have a hard time carrying Ahmeds worthless ass to a good match. Lockup, and Owen with an overhead wristlock. Johnson shrugs it off with a hard throw off. Owen with a standing side headlock, but once again Johnson tosses him off as I notice Diana Hart-Smith is at ringside next to the weird people with long hair. Johnson with a shoulder block as Bulldog comes out to support Owen. Owen kicks and punches a lot and applies a front facelock. Ahmed catches him coming off the ropes with a spinebuster, and applies a bearhug. More stuff happens as Owen does some weak punching (Yup, he's phoning it in...) until Ahmed makes the comeback. Pearl River Plunge is set up, but Bulldog runs in for the DQ at 3:39. DUD Afterwards, Camp Cornette destroys Ahmed until Roberts and Yokozuna make the save to continue this shitty ass feud.
WrestleMania XII
- Wrestlemania XII Free For All Match #1: WWF Tag Team Title Match:
The Godwinns (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. Body Donnas (w/ Sunny):
This is the finals to the awful tournament held on Superstars, thanks to Billy Gunn getting thrown off his horse AGAIN at a rodeo or some shit. Sunny is uber-hot as usual (Not counting 1999 on). Henry starts with Zip and back drops him off the bat and press slams Skip. Skip gets nailed with a face buster and Henry with an armbar to Zip. Phineas in and he works the arm too. He goes nuts on both men, cleaning house and does some mule kicking at the air. Skip hammers Henry and gets catapulted over the top rope onto zip! A double axe-handle by Skip ends the Godwinns fire and a double suplex solidifies that. Zip covers for two and more double teaming commences. Skip can't slam him so he punches a lot. Double back elbow and an assisted leg drop gets two. Zip with a slam, and Skip goes up top, but misses the splash. Phineas gets the hot tag and kills both Donnas. Back Drop to Zip. He goes for the slop drop on Skip but Sunny shows some (covered) ass, totally distracting Phineas (who wouldn't be?), and Skip rolls him up for the titles at 5:20. * Sunny rubs it in the camera that her men won the match and titles.
- Wrestlemania XII Free For All Match #2:
The Huckster vs. The Nacho Man:
The special referee tonight is Billionaire Ted. The ring announcer says lets get ready to stumble. Nacho is from Rogaine, FL and has trouble climbing to the bottom rope. A guy holds up a sign that says cheer and the crowd cheers. Huckster's pythons look like earth worms according to the King. Lawler hits the exlax Fast Forward button and Huckster is having trouble breathing, so he gets some oxygen from the EMTs. Don't forget the Hucksters demandments: Take you gerithol, Say Your Last Rights, and never miss your physical therapy. Huckster needs help ripping his shirt off by Scheme Gene and Ted. Lawler complains about this being over yet and Mcmahon says with the Huckster it's never over. Mcmahon ends up falling asleep. Nacho goes to the second rope but falls off, going unconscious and Huckster passed out from the bell ringing. Huckster handcuffs himself on camera while Nacho grabs a womens shoe. Huckster has a chair and they clobber each other and are...well...expired, at 0:45. -***** but the comedy is just great. This is the end to the Billionaire Ted skits. The FTC man causes Ted to pass out.
- Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji), Ahmed Johnson, Jake "The Snake Roberts vs. Vader, Owen Hart, The British Bulldog (w/ Jim Cornette):
Yes, for the first time I think in his entire WWF tenure, Mr. Fuji is a babyface manager...and he's even waving the Americna flag! Oh happy Day! The faces all have a face-in-peril segment until Yokozuna gets the real hot tag and lays a whooping in on Vader. Roberts tags in and all hell breaks loose. DDT to Owen, but he's not the legal man. Vader prevents a DDT to Cornette with a pump avalanche and finishes Roberts with the Vader-Bomb at 13:08. ** Decent match, although the dead crowd really didn't help at all here.
- Unsanctioned Hollywood Backlot Brawl:
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper vs. Goldust:
In probably the dumbest real match in the year 1996, we get a C-Level movie type match going on, with wide shots when Goldust runs over Roddy Piper. Goldust actually is bleeding, although it could be ketchup from the buffet table. On second viewing, it's actually blood from Pipers hand (which he ends up doing a half ass bandage job on). It was kinda fun brawl here, but that is erased with the following. Goldust speeds away back to the arena, and Piper follows....in a white Bronco. Yes, stupid O.J. Simpson jokes (he was innocent!). That's not all. They get back to the arena (much later in the show) and Piper "wins" by ripping off Goldust's costume, and revealing womens underwear. Excuse me...(vomits) DUD although it didn't actually have a finish.
- Savio Vega vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (w/ Ted Dibiase):
In the first shocking situation of the night, Austin drags a pretty good match out of Vega. Austin wins the match after clobbering Vega with the Million Dollar Belt and applying the Million Dollar Dream for the "submission" at 10:07. *** Vega's best match ever up to this point. Throughout the match, Roddy Piper calls from his cell phone and calls Goldust a fruit-cake.
- Ultimate Warrior vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley:
Oh...it's been so long that I couldn't care anymore. Helmsley's valet-for-a-day is named Sable for those who care. Lawler spends most of the introductions trying to make us believe the Warrior is 400 lbs. and has a bald head now. Warrior comes out to...a pretty good reaction, but nothing great, and this lasts about 3x longer than the match. Hunter attacks before the bell with a series of rights. Irish whip and Helmsley with the pedigree...and Warrior pops up like it was performed by a baby. Warrior no sells a lot, three clotheslines, shoulder tackle, gorilla press slam, and a big splash later ends it at 1:39. 1/2* For the fact Hunter doesn't want to remember this ever again. This felt like ordering a PPV to see Mike Tyson (in his prime). You knew it wouldn't last long, but always hoped it would. But in the case of comparing the two, at least Tyson had a reason for being an idiot. You could also compare Hunter to Peter McNeeley, Tyson's return opponent in 1995. Both got killed in about a minute, but Hunter at least lasted 10 seconds longer than McNeeley who got creamed in 1:29 of Round 1.
- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Diesel:
Probably Diesel's best match not against Bret or Shawn, as both men actually bust their asses here in the second shocking match of the night. Diesel puts Taker down with the Jacknife Powerbomb, but Undertaker sits up and ends up pinning Diesel with a nasty looking Tombstone Piledriver at 16:45. **3/4 Diesel was on his way out obviously and only has one month left in his contact here.
- WWF World Championship; 60 Minute Iron Man Match:
Bret "Hitman" Hart (c) vs. Shawn Michaels (w/ Jose Lethario):
Cool Moment of the (pre)-Match: Michaels comes to the ring via special aparatus that glides him from the roof to the ring...except he lands about 20 rows back in the crowd. Seriously boring first 20 minutes as we get useless mat work that leads to a lot of no selling. No falls at all in the 60 minute mark as Michaels and Bret both refused to drop the first fall in regulation, and the fact Michaels lasted in the Sharpshooter with about 1:00 left in the match shows it. So we get overtime, Bret looks legit pissed, and Michaels wins with sweet Chin Music at 1:01:55 to win his first World Championship and celebrates for about 5 minutes. ***1/2 Very over-rated match in my opinion, as it has no real flow until half-way into the match.
Final Thoughts: Not too bad of a tape overall, but Wrestlemania was a real disapointment, although having a few surprisingly good matches. The regular television matches were nothing too special, but at least Michaels vs. Cassidy was pretty good. This tape looks like Gold though, compared to the next tape, which is 6 hours of regular television matches, and the Debuts of two former WCW Superstars (Hint: One is a "Badd" man and the other is Hardcore!).
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