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What the HECK?/Intro- Classic Wrestling Superstars of Yesteryear
Fresh from the 4.99 used DVD bin at MediaPlay! This is 56 minute
DVD featuring scattered matches of "classic superstars of yesteryear".
Produced by Delta Video, it's quite cheesy and contains graphics similar
to the AWA Fan Line spots. Hosted by a feller named Brian Webster in
his basement, errr...in a studio. Over Webster's shoulder, we can see a TV
running a Hugh Morrus vs. Doink match. Wow.. that's
a tease!
Match 1: AWA World Heavyweight Championship:
Nick Bockwinkel (c) vs. Curt Hennig
Before the match, we have a recent interview with Nick Bockwinkel. Obviously taped
before Hennig's untimely demise, Bockwinkel is very complimentary of
Hennig's career and suggests that he should receive a shot with the WWF, again.
Cut to the match, joined in progress from AWA's
SuperClash II at the Cow Palace in San Francisco. May 2, 1987, if I'm
not mistaken. Bockwinkle is past his prime, but in his day he could rival
even Ric Flair's peak. Commentators are
Rod Traumgard and Ray Stevens. Hennig is working a side headlock, which Bockwinkel
counters with a head scissors. Repeat three times. Henning comes off the ropes
with a shoulderblock, then follows up with a slam. Bockwinkel retaliates with his own slam,
then Hennig slips back into the headlock. Hennig misses a charge into the corner, flies
out of the ring and nails the steel barrier. Bockwinkel stomps at Hennig from
the apron and prevents him from returning. Back in, Bockwinkel works
a leg-assisted arm-stretcher and wraps Hennigs'a rm on the bottom rope. Cameras show Larry Zbyszko, now seated at
ringside in a tuxedo (Important Plot Point, kids!) Hennig manages to take Bockwinkel to the mat
by grabbing the legs and working a step-over toehold into a figure four. CLIP time, and
we cut to Bockwinkle countering a headlock with a belly-to-back suplex. Hennig bounces off
the ropes with a shoulderblock, and both guys go down with a case of the woozies. Behind the ref's
back, Larry Z walks by Hennig and hands him...gasp, a FOREIGN OBJECT. Hennig blasts
Bockwinkel with it, then covers to become the NEW AWA Champ! Match cuts away with Henig strapping on
the belt. Pretty sure that afterwards, Hennig went over to the dazed Bockwinkle and dumped
out the concealed roll of dimes Larry Z had slipped him. Clipped, but not too bad.
Match 2: "Ace Cowboy" Bob Orton vs. Jim "the Anvil" Neidhart
Webster introduces this match by saying that you could go on for "days, weeks, months..
even YEARS" talking about the greatness of Neidhart and Orton. In other words, if
you're Jim Neidhart or Bob Orton and you'd like a blow-job, look up Brian Webster!
Filmed
in Caracas, Venezuela in the mid 90's. Commentators are Captain Lou Albano (!) and
two nondescript guys. Both guys trade right hands as the match begins, with Anvil bailing
twice. Anvil's playing the heel, making Orton the face by default, I suppose. Anvil bails a third
time, suckering Orton into following him. Anvil leads Orton back into the ring, where he pounds
away. Anvil with a slam, then goes upstairs. Anvil misses a flying double axehandle, allowing
Orton to go into this "Boxing Bob" routine. Orton irishwhips Anvil, follows
up with a hiptoss, then a charging dropkick. Anvil is sent into the corner, ducks and
loads up a FOREIGN OBJECT. Anvil brains Orton and gets the pin. Umm...is this
"Best of Crappy Foreign Object Screwjob Matches "?
Match 3: Freebirds (Terry "Bamm Bamm" Gordy & Michael "P.S" Hayes w/Sunshine) vs.
Ted DiBiase & Steve "Dr. Death" Williams
From Mid-South, circa 1985 or so. Note that the reclusive Sunshine, former
World Class manager/valet is with the Birds. Announcer is Jim Ross, before he discovered
the words
"Hell", "Damn", "Scalded Dog" and "BY GAWD". This is "Badsteet Rules", which
mean anything goes and the Birds are wearing jeans, boots and t-shirts. Williams
and DiBiase are Honorable Good Guys in their wrestling togs. Hayes starts on
DiBiase with a kick and a snapmare takedown. DiBiase rolls him over and starts wailing away.
Tag to Williams who comes in for a double shoulderblock on Gordy. Hayes and Williams
brawl. Williams tries going for a piledriver, but
Gordy digs in and drives him into the corner. Birds doubleteam away on
Williams while DiBiase tries to come in. Ref tries to break up all doubleteam
efforts...but I thought it was
"anything goes"? LOGIC in WRESTLING. Gordy clotheslines Williams. More brawling.
CLIP to Hayes tossing his boot to Gordy. Gordy busts
Williams open. Double clothesline from the Birds, then Gordy cinches in
the Oriental Spike (grinding thumb to the throat). DiBiase comes in to
make the save, then.... that's it! WTF?! The match cuts away! So we had
five minutes of clipped brawling and no finish?!
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|
The Huckster? |
Match 4: "Boogie Woogie Man" Jimmy Valiant vs. "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert
From the USWA Title tournament, circa 1990. Valiant comes out with
several skanky ring girls and smooches all of 'em. Valiant looks like
Hulk Hogan, age 71...or the "Huckster" of "Billionaire Ted" fame. Gilbert's looking
pretty chiseled and is doing his short-lived "New King" gimmick. The basis
was that Gilbert considered himself the "new king of wrestling", similar
to Jerry Lawler. Gilbert even has a manager with him named "Sam Lowe", whom
he announced as "Sam Bass"-- named after Jerry Lawler's late manager. There's another guy
at ringside named "The Colonel", who looks like Greg Valentine in a cheap tux.
Can't tell if he's Valiant's manager, or what. Valiant fires up the crowd,
so Gilbert ascends the turnbuckle to protest. Valiant reaches up and
grabs Gilbert's unit! Gilbert runs around the ring while Valiant
puts his do-rag on the referee. Gilbert demands an Ultimate Knucklelock
Challenge. Shenanigans ensue with Valiant raising the opposite arm for
a recurring comedy spot. Valiant annoys Gilbert with a Pelvic Thrust, then
lands a punch to send him tumbling outside. Glbert grabs a chair and tosses it in.
CLIP job, and we jump to Valiant working an armbar. Valiant whips, then
chops Gilbert into the corner. Gilbert drops down and covers Valiant. "Sam Bass"
reaches in and grabs Valiant's leg, allowing Gilbert to get the pin.
After the match, we get a current interview from the Boogie Woogie Man.
He plugs his website, his training school and his museum. "Open on
Sundays, from 12-4". Jimmy sez we can all come on down to see his
museum of crap, including the Boogie Mobile! "Dude, we're there."
Match 5: Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka vs. The Kodiak Bear
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"Oh let me be..YOUR teddy bear" |
From some promotion called "International Championship Wrestling"--
one of Snuka's many indy appearance in the 90's. Kodiak's a big
trucker lookin' dude...sort of a Loch Ness wannabe. Kodiak attacks
Snuka from behind and pounds away. Irishwhips Snuka into the corner and
connects with an avalanche. Clothesline from Kodiak and now it's
that special part of the match: Kodiak works a chinlock. This goes on for
a few muntes. More than a few. Announcers slip up and keep flip-flopping
between "Zodiac Bear" and "Kodiak Bear". Snuka FINALLY elbows his way up.
Snuka off the ropes with a chop. Flying headbutt/chop thingie! Snuka
SLAMS the big guy! Snuka up-top for... a flying high crossbody. I guess the
actual Superfly Splash was too dangerous. Enough
for Snuka to get the pin.
Match 6: USWA Championship:
Jerry "The King" Lawler vs. Junkyard Dog
From the Dallas Sportatorium, circa 1989. This was the period when Lawler
was running around as the "Unified World Champ", screwing over
the AWA and World Class, while glorifying his ego. Commentators are
Marc Lowrance and Terrence Garvin. Lowrance was the ultimate
straight man and rarely lost his cool.
Garvin begins insulting JYD and Lowrance calmly replies,
"please, Terrence, there is no need to make
durogatory comments about the individuals".
Major stall
job to start. JYD threatens ONE punch and Lawler keeps bailing. Fans are INTO
this match and can't stand Lawler. On his third trip
Beyond the Ropes, Lawler accidentally takes out a ringside photographer. JYD again
threatens ONE punch! Lawler grabs the house mic
and sez: "just cuz' you look like Mike Tyson, this isn't a boxing match".
They lock-up and Lawler manages an arm wringer. JYD shrugs it off and connects
with ONE punch! Lawler hides behind the ref and in the corner. He gets the house mic,
wanders out on the apron and hollers to a fan "shut up, Aunt Jemina, before I send Uncle Ben
here, out". JYD flips him in, over the ropes, deliver ONE punch, an irishwhip
and gasp.. a headbutt! Garvin gets the house mic, and tells the crowd
to shut up, so Lawler can concentrate. Lawler uses the distraction to
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| "Doggies, JR! woo-hoo!" |
pull out a small chain and attack JYD. Lawler does a great job on concealing the weapon,
at one time hiding it in his mouth. Lawler then smiles into the camera as the chain
slips out of his mouth. That's actually...funny. JYD fights back with a headbutt
and goes for the cover. Garvin runs over and pulls Lawler's leg to the ropes, breaking
the count. JYD runs out to pound on Garvin. Lawler rolls out and a brief 2-on-1
ensues. Bell sounds for either the disqualification or doubel countout. JYD fights off
Lawler and chases Garvin into the crowd. Good example of how easily excited the
Sportatorium crowd always was, but despite Lawler's heel heat, it was a terrible
match.
Why'd You Tape This??
I hope you appreciate my efforts...cuz' I just took one for the team. I saw this in
the used bin and thought "hey, this'll be a fun article for
my Crappy Website!" Great McGillifuck, this
was awful. Audio was inconsistent: at a blaring volume for the DVD menu, and barely
audible for each match. The matches themselves are... odd. The Freebrids
are featured prominently on the cover, but their match is incomplete! It's like someone found
scattered footage of recognizable names and wanted to cash in. No, it's not
like that...it's EXACTLY that! To compare, let's say the NFL found some old footage
of Franco Harris, Dan Marino and Deacon Jones. That would sound cool, huh? But what if
the footage was of Harris playing an exhibiton game as a Seahawk, half a quarter
of Marino firing incompletions, and Deacon Jones lifting weights. I could do without that.
Unless you're a completionist, you can skip this stuff. Bockwinkel-Hennig is
a decent match, but the editting job doesn't do it justice. If you really need
that match, you can easily track it down. Same for the Birds-DiBiase/Williams
match. Only thing we saw here was a buncha' punches. If I did rate matches, these would
all fall in the "dud" category. Only bright spots would
be Valiant's wacky shenanigans and Lawler's sneaky heel work with the chain. But it only set me back
4.99. It was my off day and I skipped lunch. So I figure this tapped into my daily
lunch fund.
Comment about this article: email me or visit the NEW ES Bulletin Boards!. Corrections, feedback and
questions are encouraged.
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