SPORTS-(PIRATES)
Archive
August 12
Cart-iology
I've been to several Major League games this year, and I've come to
a huge realization: I need me a golf cart. This idea first came to me
back in March when I was in Vero Beach and almost
got run over by a freewheeling Tommy Lasorda. If I can't
get a golf cart, I want one of those John Deere
mini-trucks. The kind that are used to cart-off injured guys
at football games. These things are allowed immediate, unrestricted access
to every type of baseball field.
It extends outside of baseball as well.
Golf carts/mini-trucks are allowed in public and always have the right of way. Baby buggies,
old ladies with walkers, buses, cars, trucks and things that go... all
must move to accomodate a golf cart. I've seen entire four-way
stoplights come to a standstill so a golf cart can cross.
Don't want to wait or waddle through a crowd; hop on your golf cart
and you'll be zipping out of there in no time. An added bonus, professional
athletes get out of your way. Everyone in North America Respects the Cart.
About the only place you can't take
a golf cart is the inside of your local grocery store. Although, if you DID
take it in there, I'm sure nobody would protest. It'd just be a bitch to drive around.
I have seen golf carts tearing up the tracks inside Sam's Club, however.
Next time you're out in public... at a picnic, car show, theme park, sports event,
bum bonfire, whatever... take a look around and note the golf carts or mini-trucks.
Nobody stops these fuckers. Airports don't need to increase security on
flights... the next terrorist attack will no doubt be delivered in a golf
cart.
If someone should happen to stop you and question your reasoning for driving
your golf cart, just tell them "oh yeah, I've got a delivery up on Level 2". If the place
only has one level, then replace "Level 2" with "Section 2". That's it. We'll just
call ya' Rob Halford, cuz you'll be Freewheel Burnin' in no time, Bunkie.
Usher Yo-yo
Last weekend was the Pirates-Rockies series and probably my last games of the season.
Friday night's game had a two hour rain delay with a buncha nifty lightning.
During the delay, we were all told to remain under cover and not venture into the seats, for
fear of getting nailed by a stray bolt. Ushers remained on the playing field
to make sure nobody got out of line.
After about an hour, I began to get bored and started playing Usher Yo-Yo.
I would wander out from the tunnel and stroll about ten feet into the stands. A security
usher from the field would then start to walk over to me, telling me
"sir, please return to the tunnel". I would leave before he got within
earhsot, so he wasn't aware that I had heard him. About five minutes later, I'm
back. Wandering about ten feet in the seats, and the usher starts over again. I return to the tunnel
and he returns to his position. I repeated this every five minutes until the delay was over.
A second usher, stationed at another position on the field even got in on the act.
I shared this game with my Old Man, and he even got in on the fun. The final score was
Left Side Usher Guy-12 , Right Side Usher Guy-3.
The Piranha Club
I'm a bit confused on the recent Pirates-Red Sox swindle. Here's the details:
7/22/03:
Boston Red Sox
Acquired LHP Scott Sauerbeck and LHP Mike Gonzalez from the Pittsburgh Pirates in exchange for RHP Brandon Lyon and RHP Anastacio Martinez; assigned Gonzalez to Pawtucket (AAA).
7/31/03:
Boston Red Sox
Acquired RHP Jeff Suppan, RHP Brandon Lyon and RHP Anastacio Martinez from the Pittsburgh Pirates in exchange for INF Freddy Sanchez, LHP Mike Gonzalez and cash considerations.
In short, the Pirates made two trades. Notice that Mike Gonzalez was essentially traded for HIMSELF.
The Pirates traded their top lefthanded reliver (Sauerbeck), who has been in
high demand in recrent years, along with their top starting pitcher who led the team in
victories (Suppan). They netted themselves a 25 year old Triple A player (Sanchez)...and cash.
For their top starter and top lefthanded setup. That's it.... Come See Us Play.
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