SPORTS-(PIRATES)
Archive
June 09, 2004
The Expos are Still Around?
I noticed that the Pirates are in Puerto Rico this weekend, playing the... whoa, Expos?
I'm surprised they're still around. These guys have had more stays of execution than
Walter Bell (look him up!). They're like Todd Zeile...you think they've passed on,
but you turn on the tube one July evening and there they are. Whenever Bud Selig gets around
to it, they'll be relocated.... which makes me long to see Selig's "To Do" list. Guy must
have roughly 1300 post-it notes stuck on his computer. Selig probably has
a leaky sink, a burnt lightbulb and a yard ornament in need of a paint job. He'll
get around to those whenever...
It's somewhat of a mystery why MLB didn't book the Pirates to play in
Puerto Rico, earlier. I know the Pirates aren't a huge draw... but I guess it only took Selig and the MLB braintrust
12 months to figure out "hmm...there's a big 21 in the outfield, down there
in Puerto Rico... who's that refer to?"
Puerto Rico, of course, was the home of
Pirates legend Roberto Clemente. Clemente had an enormous family
and his widow, Vera, was on hand to throw out the pitch for Thursday's game.
To this day, it seems that all Puerto Rican players have a connection to
Roberto, or are related to his family. Heck, Clemente probably
sired half of the 2,300 people in the seats of Hiram Bithorn Stadium.
"The Great One", indeed!
Pirates TV man Steve Blass threw in a few Clemente stories during the game. He
reminisced about playing poker with him during 7 hour flights to
the west coast. After every hand, Clemente would stop and lecture to
Manny Sanguillen on why and how he lost the game. Blass and the others
would sit back and take a nap during these dissertations. Blass also
talked about how Clemente would come up to him, before a game, and
offer to teach him the curveball. Awesome. Clemente's legend grow with
each flashback, and there's a reason he's on the top right corner of
every baseball article on this crappy website.
Don't Stand So Close to me...
Someone please direct Expos thirdbaseman Tony Batista to the batter's box.
This guy's stance is its own Gordian knot. It looks like he's
expecting the pitch to com from the on-deck circle. Actually, with all
his stretching, he
looks like he's the lead dude on one of those TV fitness shows. You know the ones
I'm talking about... they pop up on ESPN or FSN when you're
not paying attention. You flip over to a sports channel at 2am, hoping
to get some news and UHHHH....there's some dude doing yoga on a beach!
Get Batista some disgustingly tight spandex shorts, a baggy t-shirt
and he's set.
He'll need some choreographed dancers on
mats behind him. Maybe Craig Counsell. They can go into routines like "the ice breaker"
or "high knees". After the game he can have segments on
protein milkshakes and celery.
Obligatory lookalikes
Lookalikes or twins are all over sports media, so I didn't want to
dedicate an entire column to that point. But there are a few I've noticed.
- Angels pitcher Jarrod Washburn and Kiefer Sutherland
- Pirates outfielder Craig Wilson and the Onion's Jim Andchower (the stoner columnist)
- Twins manager Ron Gardenhire and Papa Smurf (or did Gardenhire shave his beard?)
- Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson and Green Lantern Ch'p
- Pirates reliever Brian Boehringer and Ralph Fiennes
- Pirates manager Lloyd McClendon and the Junkyard Dog
- Pirates catcher Jason Kendall and Colin Farrell
- Rockies outfielder Larry Walker and a Bucket of Shit
Where's the Podium?
Strangely enough, one of the message boards I frequent brought up the name of
Marlins TV reporter Craig Mervini, this week. Turns out that
Mervini is the former "Craig DeGeorge" of WWF fame. Yes, THAT WWF.
Craig was the mild mannered straight man who would interview wrestlers
on a podium in the middle of the crowd, circa 1987. I noticed him during this week's
Marlins-Pirates series, where we worked as the roving reporter in the stands. I was expecting
him to get up on the dugout between innings and say "Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome
my guest at this time... JUAN PIERRE!" Then Juan could do a flying bodypress off of the
dugout onto the Honky Tonk Man.
Snub it
All-Star rosters were announced this week and they contain no terrible omissions.
Joe Torre did it again, though, and brought along middle relievers. What, no pinch
hitting specialists? Always amazes me how the All-Star rosters are seen as prestigious, but
when the game rolls around a week later, roughly 5 to 10 guys have withdrawn. All-Star
snub controversy exists for about 48 hours, then everyone's happy. But if Jack Wilson
had not made the team, I would've been in an uproar.
Completely worthless Halfway Awards
With MLB passing the halfway point this week, it's a good time for such awards:
- NL MVP- Scott Rolen, 3B, Cardinals
- NL Cy Young- Roger Clemens, SP, Astros
- NL Rookie of the Half-Year- Matt Holliday, OF, Rockies (For greedy reasons. I want to cash in
on his HR #3 ball I caught..or at least finangle a trip to next year's All-Star game)
- AL MVP- Ivan Rodriguez, C, Tigers
- AL Cy Young- tie: Mariano Rivera, RP, Yankees and Mark Mulder, SP, A's.
- AL Rookie of the Half-Year- Shingo Takatsu, RP, White Sox
Comment about this article. Hit the Message Board, or
Contact My Ass!
Back to baseball index
