SPORTS-(PIRATES)
Archive
June 22
One Mens Out
Sammy Sosa returned to Major League Baseball last week, after fulfilling his
seven game suspension over using a corked bat. Sosa's gone into complete denial and still
hasn't accepted the fact that he got busted. First, he tried to pass it off by saying
he used a corked bat "for the fans". Right, for the fans...during batting practice,
when roughly 200 people are in the ballpark. And baseball players have ALWAYS
put on a great show "for the fans" during batting practice. Just think of
all those laser light effects, water fountains and fireworks they've launched during
batting practice in years past. Silly of us to forget this.
With that excuse rapidly losing credibility, Sosa then came up with the excuse
that he's being unfairly criticized because he's Latin American. This coming from a guy
who embraced the stereotypical Latino character "Chico Escuela" from old
Saturday Night Live sketches. (For those arriving late, Garret Morris played
Chico and made famous the phrase "Baseball been berry berry good to me", which
Sammy used in his 1998 routine). There's a possibility that Sammy's usual butchering
of the English language has led to this misunderstanding. But I feel no sympathy for
a guy's who been living in the United States 7 months out of the year for the
past 14 years and STILL can't speak English.
Sammy's slip-up is similar to cheating on your taxes. Yes, you'll put down
that 250 dollar donation to the Sisters of The Stinky and Homeless Rescue Mission, as
long as you don't get caught. But as soon as you get audited, you panic and run
arond your house trying to document the fabled tax-free donation. If you can weasel your way
out of it and come up with some phony documentation, then you can avoid the fine.
But you're still guilty of falsifying your tax return. A crime usually punishable
by a sleepover or two in jail, but in this case you've squirmed your way out
of the shit sandwich. Sammy's squirming the same way. He's running around
the country trying to come up with some phony documentation to prove his
"innocence".
Underneath it all, Sosa's unwillingness to acknowledge his slip-up and accept his guilt
shows that his brain, not his bat, is corked. Sosa's always been a bit of a freakshow.
In 1993, after reaching the 30-30 mark, he had gigantic custom "30-30" jewlery made up for himself.
Since 1998, he's done his ridiculous bouncing aerobic exhibition after slugging a deep home run.
Despite his enormous numbers and numerous All-Star appearances, his team has made the playoffs exactly ONCE during his 10 year stint in Chicago (losing to the Braves in
the 1998 Divisional Play-offs). He's been happy as the media darling on the shitty Cubs teams.
He's become a living cartoon character.
It comes as no small surprise that Sosa was using cork... and it's a shame that his recent antics
have made his career into an even bigger cartoon.
Interleague intercourse
Baseball's talking heads like to tell us that
the novelty of interleague play seems to have worn off.
Several newscasters make sarcastic jokes about its worth and even a few players have been
downright bitchy about it. However, this weekend's Tigers-Rockies series had the highest
attendance at Coors Field since opening day. That's correct- The mediocre Rockies and the bottom-feeding Tigers drew over 35,000. Say what you want about interleague play's worth, but
this series was truly "for the fans". I went to Friday night's game and
spent about 15 minutes talking to a 70-something man who was a huge Tigers fan. He grew up
10 miles north of Detroit, but has been living in Denver since the late 50's. To him
it was a dream come true to see his Tigers come all the way out to visit him in Denver.
He almost wet his pants when he saw Alan Trammell and Kirk Gibson working the
bench.
The Pirates and Tampa Bay Devil Rays
had their own share of tender interleague moments. Last weekend
Jason Kendall led the charge as an all-out ass whipping
broke out. It wasn't one of those cheesy purse-slapping
fests you see in most baseball "fights". Kendall
was out there looking to eat some someone's brain. Suddenly, the previously
unconnected Devil Rays and Pirates have issues.
Pessimists like to look at series like the Tigers-Rockies and Devil Rays-Pirates and
say "why the frick did they even bother?" But take away the interleague connection
and you'd have some incredibly boring Expos-Rockies and Padres-Pirates games in their
place. Where's the excitement or appeal in that? Keep the interleague games.
Just the Good Ol' Boys...
I really could care less about what a bunch of
overpaid jocks in goofy uniforms call themselves, but I can see how one
team name might offend our pals in New Mexico. This year, the Triple A Albuquerque
Dukes changed their name to the "Isotopes" as a tribute to the Simpsons
TV show in a fan-suported move. Considering that New Mexico has the highest
amount of nuclear waste in North America, I'm not sure whether to laugh or
moan about this move. A huge sign used to exist on I-25, just north
of Albuquerque. It said something like "New Mexico- #1 in premature infant deaths.
#1 in nuclear waste". Recently, Los Alamos reportedly
"lost" two vials of plutonium. Maybe Homer, Lenny and
the boys really do work in New Mexico. Regardless, I'll give it five years until the joke grows thin
and them there Duke Boys return to the ballpark.
But I got a BALL, Dude!
Saturday, June 21st at Coors Field. Rockies lead 9-3 going into the bottom of the ninth.
Rockies closer Jose Jimenez has two runners on and two outs. The Tigers' Warren Morris
is at the plate. Morris pops one about one row deep on the third base side, easily playable
for any hometeam third baseman. Rockies' 3rd baseman Greg Norton runs over and reaches about
four feet over the railing. The game should be over, right? Nope, a HOME TEAM
FAN pushes Norton's arm out of the way and is ecstatic about catching a foul ball.
Yeah, baby wooooo! Given new life, Morris then hits the very next pitch over the center field
wall for a 3-run homer. It didn't cost the Rockies the win, but a
braindead douche bag "fan" in Denver fucked over the home team. Maybe putting up
plexiglass fences IS the way to go.
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