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Famous Dumps
SPORTS-(PIRATES)
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May 14, 2004
Dem' Buccin' Rockies...
In one of the strangest series in recent memories, the Pittsburgh Pirates made their
annual trip through Denver. I had tickets for 2 of the 3 games, and while the first game
started without a hitch, things GOT WEIRD around the third inning. When I entered Coors Field
at 5:30, the temperature was around 85 degrees. By the third inning, it had
plummetted to 50. Before the night was over, it would reach freezing. Yes... Freezing.
On May 11th. Fucking Denver.
And with that we cut to....
Thoughts, musings and half-truths from the left field wall.
Coors Field, May 11, 2004.
For what its worth, Bobby Hill and Abraham Nunez took some infield practice at third base, during BP. Don't get too excited, since Stynes got a good workout at third before going to the cage. JJ Davis and Craig Wilson hit quite a few into the stands during BP. Also, Salomon Torres is built like an NFL runningback. Never realized that.
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For autograph purposes, the only Bucs to stop by were Jack Wilson and Ryan Vogelsong. Probably because the regular crew of autograph vultures had no idea who any of the Pirates were. They kept asking me to ID players, but I'm not too vocal and don't feel like groveling or yelling at players for an autograph.
Over on the Rockies side, second baseman Aaron Miles is TINY! The guy's listed at 5-7...and that must be in heels. I think "3 Apples High" would be a more accurate description. For as bad as the Rockies organization is, they've done one thing right in the past 9 years: they drafted Todd Helton. He's not a Coors Creation like Dante Bichete or Jeffrey Hammonds.. I honestly feel the guy could hit .330, drive in 120 RBIs and 40HRs while playing at Dodger Stadium.
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Rockies mascot Dinger the Dinosaur sucks. No news there, but he has a handler/spotter/
assistant who helps roam him around the park. It's a tubby lady in her 40's with an ass
the size of a Buick. No kidding, but the assistant's ass is larger than Dinger's. No,
I did NOT take a picture.
The Pirates' Rob Mackowiak covered alot of ground out in left. Tike Redman didn't seem to close on the ball as fast. About the third inning or so, I was a bit surprised that Mackowiak had to run over to center to field a fly. Redman made two horrible throws that sailed over the cut-off man's head. Mackowiak looked more at home in left than Rockies regualr Matt Holliday. I've been to about four or five Rockies game this year, and in every game Holliday was eaten alive by the carom or had trouble making the play. Over in right, I'm sure Craig Wilson was thankful for the FENCE. Without it, he'd still be chasing the ball around the outfield. No doubt he went to the Chili Davis School of Defense.
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As far as nicknames for Craig Wilson, we took to calling him "Thor". Considering I'm a big Marvel comics and Avengers geek, I liked it. Swings the mighty hammer (2 HRs and 7 RBIS...and he's had bad luck at Coors, previously) and having KISS's "God of Thunder" as his batting music would work. Aye, verily!
Extra innings.... and something like 20 pitching changes. Well, since this was the only time I'll see the Bucs until the spring, it was kind of cool to see ALL 25 men hit the field. I expected Gerald Perry to come to the plate. I left around the 11th, so I'm not sure if the seldom-seen Humberto Cota made it in. A typical "Coors Game" throw back, circa 1996...so I'm wondering if the Rockies' humidor has been dismantled. Thing ended about 11:45 local time... Pirates fans have my respect if they stayed up to 1:45, Pitt time!
Hung out above the Pirates' bullpen for the eighth inning. A couple of drunk college kids
noticed bullpen coach Bruce Tanner...and thought it was Buck Showalter. For the
next five minutes they tried to haggle "Buck".
Started to roam in the 9th and took a few pictures for your enjoyment. These have all been re-sized to around 40-60KB a piece. Don't be afraid to click:
Mike Johnston on the mound
The view from centerfield
John Grabow warms up in the bullpen
Joe Table warms up in the bullpen
Jack Wilson at the plate
Doesn't sound too weird, right? Well, after the May 11th game, it snowed. Yes. Snow. In May.
The annual "tree-breaker" storm. This led to the cancellation of the May 12th Rockies-Pirates game.
Nothing unusual, but the Rockies then held a "traditional doubleheader" on May 13th.
Typically, the Rockies are money-grubbing bastatrds and had never held a "traditional
doubelheader" at Coors Field. But they went ahead with one because the Pirates aren't
exactly a draw at the turnstiles.
Two weeks ago, the Rockies were hosting the Braves and
had a Friday night rainout. On Saturday they had a "doubleheader". Instead of a
"traditional doubleheader", the Rockies closed the park after game one, kicked everybody out,
and sold tickets for game two, one hour later. They figured they could pull this
crap with the relatively popular Braves...but not the Pirates. Thus, it was somewhat
poetic when roughly 19 people were in Coors Field to see the May 13th
Pirates doubleheader.
It gets worse. I took my tickets for the cancelled May 12th game to the box office.
They said I could exchange for them any game during the season... but I would have to
PAY THE DIFFERENCE to get my seats back! Huh? The face value of my tickets were
9 bucks each. But if I wanted to cash in my raincheck, I would have to pay
an ADDITIONAL 2 dollars per ticket! Not a simple ticket swap..the Rockies
are trying to nickel and dime me to death. Keli McGregor, Charlie Monfort,
Clint Hurdle and Reggie the groundskeeper...your organization is a big steaming
pile of shit. I know that's not a creative or funny insult. It's just the truth.
Fuck you, Colorado Rockies. Go with your one man rotation and
enjoy 90 more losses. The Rockies are a prime candidate
for contraction. Keep the Expos, but Fuck the Rockies.
I took some solace in knowing that Pirates took 2 out of 3 from the Rocks.
Oliver Perez even pitched a complete game and upped his record to 3-1.
Perez can be spooky-good and might be the Bucs #1 man by year's end.
Totally non-Pirate or Rockie related... but what happened to the "closer" look?
The saves leaderboard includes clean-shaven,
ordinary looking skells like Joe Nathan, Matt Herges and Joe Borowski. These
guys even wear their hats normally. No filthy hats with the bill pulled down
tigthly over their eyes. How in the name of John Wetteland did this happen?
Being an all-around dork, I've always based my fashion sense on baseball's
closers. In the early 90's, when most closers had long scraggly hair hanging out the
back (think of Mitch Williams,
Dennis Eckersley, or Curtis Leskanic in 1995), I made sure my dome had
similar forestry hanging out the rear. Later, when all closers
had goatees (think of Trevor Hoffman, Jose Mesa or even Mike Williams), I
kept the fuzz on my face as well. If a closer didn't have a goatee or
a hairy mess, at least he LOOKED WEIRD. Like Kent Tekulve...he
was a weird looking dude! Or Randy Myers who wobbled side to side when he walked.
Now you can't tell a closer from a second baseman.
They look too ordinary...as if they're taking, like, SHOWERS and stuff. At least
Eric Gagne is still out there. In his Spaceman Spiff goggles, baggy britches and
unkept hair.
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Contact My Ass!
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