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Famous Dumps
SPORTS-(PIRATES)
Archive
May 9-
Baseball fans have been storming the field again, giving rise to the call for
increased security and a code of conduct. About three weeks ago, two fans in Chicago once
again hoped onto the playing field at US Cellular Field (new Comiskey) and
attacked an umpire. About two weeks ago, a fan in Oakland pitched a cell phone
from the upper deck and nailed Texas Rangers outfielder Carl Everett in the back of the head.
Everett was not seriously injured, but did press charges. (No truth to the rumor
that the Rangers later called
the fan up and asked if he would consider trying out for a bullpen spot)
Rick Sutcliffe later went on ESPN and announced that the solution to
violent fan intervention is not more ushers or plexigalss screens around
the field. Rather, Sutcliffe continued, that fans have a need to police themselves. Fair enough,
but we must also consider that you don't have to pass a test to enter a Major League
ballpark. Such a test would cut down on reckless hillbillies and Latinos
with wicked cellphone pitching arms. As a bonus, this test would reduce the
number of...well, MORONS at your local ballpark. (The lady who once cheered
madly when Charlie Hayes hit a foul ball over the fence at Mile High Stadium comes
to mind. "Home Run!" Home Run!" she squealed). But it goes beyond that.
Take the following quick Appropriate Park Etiquette (APE) quiz:
- You are sitting in seat in seat 13 of Row 10. You look up and see that there are
18 seats in Row 10, with 1 on your left and 18 on your right. All the seats are filled with
people. Do you:
A- Go up the left aisle and ask to squeeze in front of 12 people.
B- Go up the right aisle and ask to squeeze in front of 5 people.
C- Ignore the seat numbers and aisles, just make sure my Supersize Collector's
Edition Cup doesn't spill into my nachos!
- You are sitting right behind homeplate in the front row. Do you:
A- Heckle every batter with "SSSSSS-WING! Woo!"
B- Watch the game and talk to your buddy.
C- Get out your cellphone and call your buddy at home! Yeah dog, I'm on TV!! Can you see me?? yeah baby, woooo!
- Your team is at bat and starting to rally. Do you:
A- Put two fingers in your mouth and make a high pitched whistle! Squeeeeeeee!
B- Watch the game, talk to your buddy, but maybe clap or shout encouragement.
C- Try to start the wave! Let's see some action up in this here bee-otch! Owwwwww!
- You're coming back from the bathroom or food joint. Before hopping into
your aisle, do you:
A- Walk right to your seat, asking everyone to move so you can get through.
B- Crouch down and wait for play to end (wait for the pitch/play, etc) then ask everyone to move.
C- Stop and yell to my buddy in my seat: "hey man, I got your BEER, but I just saw two hotties. Come
over here and CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, dude!'
- You're sitting in left field and the opposing team's star player
is playing out there. His name has two syllables. Do you:
A- Start chanting his name like a drunken Catholic priest. Example:
"Larrrrrrrrr-y, Larrrrrrrrr-y"
B- Watch the game and talk to your buddy. But maybe yell something funny if/when the guy screws up.
C- Constantly ask the guy to turn around and pose, so you can get a shot of
him with your digital camera. If he refuses or ignores you, just yell louder and more often the
next inning.
- You arrive early for batting pratice, the prime period for player autographs. Do you:
A- Camp out in the front row with a backpack, 12 binders of baseball cards,
two pennants, a yearbook, 8 baseballs and a jersey for every
player.
B- Watch batting practice and hold something out if a player happens to
walk over to sign autographs.
C- Dangle your little kid over the wall and scream for
a certain player to come and sign your baseball. If this doesn't work, continue
yelling that player's name.
Score and tally your results at your own leisure.
Seeing Eye Singles
Other night at Coors Field, I asked the manager of the dugout store if she
had any Rockies Media Guides, and if she knew what I was talking about.
Her replay: "Hmmmm...we don't have those here, but I know Customer Service
handles that. Go to that booth where you came in and ask them." I figure I would
have gotten the same response if I had asked for a bazooka.
...||...
I'm trying to remember his name, but the San Diego Padres had a reliever in
Spring Training who was a brain cancer survivor. Feller had this head sawed open from
ear to ear, now has a nasty scar across his cranium and has to
undergo chemo every six months for the rest of his life.
I'm not looking for his information so I can
ridicule him or anything. Just thought his story would be encouraging and worth relating
to someone I know. If you have any info on this guy, please drop me a line.
...||...
The Old Man and I saw a Dodgers-Astros Spring Training game in Vero Beach, FL back in March.
Before the game, we got a chuckle out of seeing some Astros guy named Munro
consistently hopping over the practice field fences and rambling through
the bushes and streams to retrieve BP balls. Turned on an Astros game tonight,
and there he was. Pete Munro had made the team, in no small part to his
determined ball shagging, I'm sure.
...||...
Almost worth its own column, but the Braves Spring Training park is wretched. Appropriately named
"Cracker Jack Stadium" it has constant sound effects and SHITTY MUSIC blaring throughout the game.
Vinny Castilla hit a 6-3 grounder and an Indians' fielder made a routine
throw to first. The PA system chimed in with a "yeah, Baby!" soundbyte from
Austin Powers, voicing their approval. Keep in mind that this was
the BRAVES' home field. Hate to see what happens when the Braves pop-up to the catcher.
Maybe they launch fireworks?
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