SPORTS-(PIRATES)
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October 28
The New Losers
With the Red Sox finally winning the World Series, the remaining teams of MLB
all descended on the comissioner's office on Thursday, October 28. Hoping
to garner a clever "curse" or jinx tagline and become the next object of national
media adornment, almost every franchise in baseball was represented. All teams were
allowed to submit their applications for consideration of becoming
the New Cursed Shitty Team.
"Wow, I certainly hope WE can slide in as the new hardluck heroes" said
White Sox representative Jerry Reinsdorf. With the carcasses of "Shoeless" Joe
Jackson and Nellie Fox in tow, Reinsdorf was one of the first in line with
an almost 3,000 page package of documented futlity. Maybe we can have the
"Go-Go Curse, since we haven't been to the Series with the
Go-Go Sox of 1959? That'll sell books and t-shirts".
Also at the top of line were representatives from the Indians, Cubs,
Giants and Phillies. Led by Bob Feller, Indians personnel were all garbed in Rocky
Collavito jerseys. Feller then stopped to sign autographs for 45 minutes.
Cubs officials were seen wearing headphones and glases while
setting afire plush goats with their Bic lighters. The Giants contingent
wore old throwback New York Giants jerseys, while the Phillies crew carried
around effigies of Joe Carter.
Further down the line, Pirates owner Kevin McClatchy was seen filling out the application
for Cursed Shitty Team Induction. McClatchy was highlighting the problems of the Pirates
since the 1979 World Series. Including the destruction of several Sister Sledge LP's, the team's
mid-80's drug adventures, the infamous Game Seven from 1992, and even the
death of Willie Stargell. In the same area was Wendy Selig of the Brewers, trying to
petition a case for the Brewers, based on Ben Oglivie. A Twins
official was busily scribing away the "Curse of Puckett's Eye".
Towards the end of the line, crews from baseball's newer expansion teams were frantically trying to
fill out their applications. "How does the Curse of Rolando Arrojo sound?"
asked Devil Rays GM Chuck Lamar. Noticeably absent were the Colorado Rockies.
Reports circulated, later in the day, that the true-to-form Rockies were wandering around
downtown New York, clueless to what the rest of baseball was doing.
Apparently with nothing better to do, representatives from
the Boston Bruins were seen further down the line. Even surprising candidates like
the New York Yankees and St. Louis Cardinals were on hand. A crew from FOX sports
filmed much of the happenings, while splicing in virtual ads for the Simpsons'
season premiere and animated billy goat graphics. Tim McCarver offered
several "insightful" comments to the FOX broadcast, including: "just as there are
30 franchises in baseball...today is 30 degrees colder than yesterday".
Exact qualifications for becoming the New Shitty Cursed Team were foggy and
unavailable at press time. When asked about the qualifications, MLB commissioner
Bid Selig threw his arms in the air and walked away. Later in the day, Selig
announced that he would be forming a committee to explore the issue. A rumor is
that an exhibtion game in late February between the Blue Jays
and Manatee Community College will be used to establish which team gets
the honor.
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