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Busted (but not intentionally..)
August 5, 2005-
Recently, Baltimore Orioles DH/1B/Viagra Shill Rafael Palmeiro failed MLB's
steroid testing. Palmeiro claimed that he never "intentionally" put such a substance into
his body. Despite testifying against such an action to Congress. Now Palmeiro faces
possible perjury charges on top of his suspension and tarnished career.
That's shocking. I don't know HOW it happened, but I showed up for Casual Friday at work
today in an Orioles T-shirt. I have no idea how this thing got on my torso. I never
intentionally put it on...but here I am with it on. I maintain that I never
had any intent to wear this shirt, in or out of the house. The shirt was placed
on my person without my knowledge. I am innocent of ever intentionally wearing
an Orioles shirt in public.
This shirt was given to me as freebie, for
filling out a credit card application at Camden Yards in June. Just like my wardrobe
choice, I never intended to fill out that credit card appplication. Therefore, I am
not legally liable for any charges to said credit card, regardless of amount, date or
billing date. It was not my intent.
Seattle Marines gas-man, errr..pitcher, Ryan Franklin was anounced as another
steroid test flunker the following day. Franklin pleaded ignorance and was
shocked at his situation. It's possible that these guys are not doing their homework.
With all the various names for steroids --like "Stickopherozol" or "HyperGycloceroninzine"--
they may have been confused. It's like trying to avoid ingesting sugar
in your diet. Look on the back of anything in your pantry and see how many different
names are listed for "sugar". I doubt many nutritional supplements have "steroid"
listed as an ingredient.
Jose's Revenge
Somwhere, Jose Canseco is rejoicing at the culmination of his revenge scheme. For years the
dunderheaded Canseco tried to reach 500 Homeruns so he could achieve automatic Hall of
Fame induction. Like the megalomaniac villain in a bad sci-fi movie, Jose decided
"if I can't get into the Hall...nobody will!! Mooowahahaha!". Thus, Jose
released his supposed "tell-all" book accusing several players of
being "juiced". It got Jose onto the bestseller list for a minute, he became a national
subject for the first time in 15 years, and made him look like a baseball oracle.
"Wow, Jose musta' been right! All these guys really ARE on steroids". It's
bad enough that several players are testing positive. It's even worse how each serves
to glorify Canseo in a small way.
Low Water Mark
Moving on... unfortunately it looks like my suspicion was correct. In early
June I predicted that the Pirates third place mark in the standings would
be their high point of the season. Yup. Since then, they've gone something
like 12-87 and have settled back into last place.
I feel somewhat guilty.
The Bucs were playing well until they arrived in Yankee Stadium on June 14.
I was in the Bronx for their game on the 15th, when the umpires blew a double
play call and allowed the Yankees to rally for the win.
It was a bittersweet night. If there were two teams I'd ever want to see
play in Yankee Stadium, it was these two. The game ended in the 11th when Jason Giambi
hit a homerun. I watched the last three innings in Stan's Bar-- across the street from
centerfield, right below the subway. Incredible setting and the New York crowd was
amazing. They'd boo'ed Giambi unmercifully in the 5th...but everyone was yelling
"yeah, 'dat's my boy! I knew he'd do it!" after the big hit. New York is worth its
own column...and I may get to that big-ass write-up of my East Coast trip...someday.
But with all the crap heaped upon the Bucs, at least they've picked up
something decent out of the turd storm. Chris Duffy is the new centerfielder
and Zach Duke is a top starter. They also shipped out temporary stop-gap Matt Lawton
for Jody Gerut. Trouble is, Kip Wells is still around, while Mark Redman and Dave Williams
have forgotten how to pitch. Manager Lloyd McClendon and pitching coach Spin Williams
may be in their final weeks on the North Shore.
..and goshdarnit they look good in their uniforms, too!
So, ummm...watched a little bit of a Rockies game over the weekend. If you guys have MLB Extra Innings, you need to check out the Rox play-by-play men for some great unintentional humor. They gave up all hopes of calling competitive, significant games years ago...so now they talk about how "each guy plays the game".
It's never ending. The latest Worthless Rock will come to the plate, batting .211 and the announcers will give him a verbal blow-job. Like "wow, you REALLY have to admire this guy's approach to the game and how he plays! He shows up everyday and the coaches just LOVE the way he goes about his business". Meanwhile, the guy's just struck out and stranded a man on base. and the team is getting skull-fucked by a score of 9-2 in the 6th.
Next batter, SAME thing...but they'll mix it up a bit: "Y'know, you really have to appreciate this guy's play and the way he approaches the game". Sometimes they'll launch into "all you youngsters at home should really take note of how Aaron Miles ran out that groundball". It wasn't a routine 4-3 gound out by your #2 hitter, it was an INSPIRATION TO THE YOUTH OF COLORADO!
Down on the Farm
Instead of walking 100 yards from my office to Coors Field, the other week the eStragand
Sports Staff took a roadtrip to Colorado Springs, home of the Triple A Sky Sox.
Minor league baseball is always fun. We got in free, thanks to the friendly
staff at KILO. Yes, that's worth a
link and a plug. Not only does KILO play alot of Tool and destroy
all Denver radio station, they hit me up with free tickets. Three
rows above the dugout, even.
I hadn't visited Sky Sox Stadium since 2003 and since then the name has changed to
Security Service Stadium. They've also added a family friendly four level
restaruant to right field. The hot tub is still out there, though. They also
still have Human Bowling. A John Deere lawn truck hauls in a "lucky" contestant
in a hamster ball. The contestant is raised up on the truck and sent rolling
towards three inflatable bowling pins. If they knock down all three
pins they get a prize...then probably throw-up after the contest is over.
The Sky Sox played the Las Vegas 51's, the Dodgers top farm team. Milton Bradley
was down there on a rehabilitation assignment, but didn't kick the shit out of
anyone. Sky Sox starter Justin Hampson was awful. He was aiming his pitches,
throwing wildly and getting shelled. He had the bases loaded in
the 4th, then threw a PICK-OFF PITCH TO FIRST BASE?! No, he really did---
bases loaded and he tried a pick-off at first. It got worse. The ball went sailing
into the dugout thanks to worthless first baseman Brian Buchanan, allowing
two runs to score. Later on, Buchanan leisurely waltzed towards homeplate..allowing
a slow dribbler to do just that-- dribble. The ball was in no danger of going foul, but
Buchanan was in no hurry and an infield single occurred.
I found out, a few days later, that Buchanan was released. But I fully expect Justin Hampson to be
in the Rockies' rotation in September. I'll bet
he has a good approach to the game!
Herlocker, errrr...FOOTBALL season is back
With the influx of Renee Herlocker traffic to this website, I may have to
break down and return to covering YOUR Denver Broncos for 2005. I have absolutely
no expectations for the team this year, so it'll be done just for fun.
Unless you consider 8-8 an expectation. Mushmouth Dickerson STILL
hasn't returned to an NFL booth, but weekly doses of Renee Herlocker
will no doubt increase my site's traffic. That's
"Renee Herlocker". Yes, Renee Herlocker (watch my traffic SPIKE, now!).
I plan to do an weekly analysis of
how Renee Herlocker aims the giant rubber band thingie that shoots footballs, how
her dance routine is,
and whether or not she's wearing a skirt, long pants or a parka. Maybe a picture or
two if I can find 'em. Then I'll
throw in some dumb lines about Jake Plummer, Champ Bailey and the rest of
the "Most Talented Team in the NFL".
But baseball will still be around....
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