SPORTS-(PIRATES)
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The Hunt is on...
July 25, 2006
It's the end of July and it's happening again. Like a skin rash that wont go away. You may think it's over, finished, gone, done and out...
but after ignoring it for a few months, you look down and the thing's all itchy and flaring up again.
It's the Atlanta Fucking Braves and they're doing it again. They'll end up in the playoffs -- again. They'll lose -- again.
Being primarily a Pirates fan, people may think I'm just bitter over Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS. Francisco Cabrera, Stan Belinda, Sid Bream and all that crap. But no.
My bitterness goes back further-- to Game 7 of the 1991 NLCS with Brian Hunter, John Smiley, Alejandro Pena and all that shit.
I'm also bitter over how Braves games have
aired on TBS for years and have tried to bill the worthless wonders as "America's Team". How upsetting was it to be watching the Four Horsemen
bust open Dusty Rhodes on a Saturday night, then have TBS cut right into a Braves game? Or have National Geographic Explorer pre-empted for their crap? Or the
endless Andy Griffith re-runs that aired during a Braves rain delay? You'd start getting into the show and wondering if Barney would
find a way to return that uncooked pie to Aunt Bea's window, then BAM-- the Braves were back! Dicks.
I'm also bitter about Don Sutton and his awful hairpiece. "Got a question for you: when's the last time your ordered from your Braves
catalog?"! I'm also bitter about Skip Caray and his monotonous vocal delivery. "and, uh..there's Chipper, who, uh.. flies into center field where's it
caught-uh".
In short, I don't want these bastards in the playoffs again. It doesn't matter WHO is on the team every year. They could be managed by Lemmy, with Samuel L. Jackson and Jennie Finch on the team, and I'd still want the Fucking Braves to lose. It must be the uniforms.
Thus, I'm declaring the official eStragand.com Braves Bounty. If the Braves lose 81 games or more this year, I will personally deliver
ONE dollar (American) to every pitcher who notches a win against them. Starting August 1, 2006. When the Braves reach 81 losses, I will send out
payment to every eligible pitcher. The Braves must not enter the playoffs via wildcard, division title, or Act of God.
This is an open call to all the pitchers on the Marlins, Mets, Pirates, Phillies, Reds, Nationals, Giants, Rockies and Astros. If you'd
like an extra dollar, go out and beat the Braves. I can deliver it in any form you like. PayPal credit, a Money Order, dollar bill,
quarters, nickels, dimes or pennies. If you would like MORE than one dollar, go out and beat the Braves again. There is no limit on how
many wins you can score against the Braves.
The rules are simple:
- Beat the Braves anytime after August 1, 2006
- and if the Braves reach 81 losses or more and are absent from the 2006 playoffs, you will receive your bounty.
- This offers only applies to MLB pitchers.
- Void where prohibitted. Allow 6-8 weeks after the conclusion of the 2006 MLB season for
your dollar(s) to arrive.
If YOU are a winning pitcher, you can send your contact info via email to: BRAVES BOUNTY CLAIM.
I'm offering roughly 30 bucks to the pitchers of MLB to keep these cock-sucking, underachieving, overrated ass-clowns out of the postseason. Don't let me down.
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