SPORTS-(Colorado Crush)
John Elway could promote Transvestite Muslim Squirel Racing, and people
in Denver would still turn out and pay money for it. Over 10,000
SEASON tickets have already been sold for
the Colorado Crush. That's SEASON tickets...for
ARENA football. On the way to the Pepsi Center
for the Inaugural Game of YOUR 2003 Colorado Crush, a passerby said to me:
"hey, people in Denver love their football!". Now how that would apply to
17,000 people showing up at the Pepsi Center to watch ARENA football...well,
I didn't want to argue with the guy.
Arena Football has its appeal. Despite the Kurt Warner story, the AFL has never considered
itself an competitor to the NFL. It has several noticeable differences from
"real" football and has morphed into a game all its own. Urban legends tell of the origin
of Arena Football- the initial set of rules were drafted on a cocktail napkin over
dinner, sometime in the mid 80's. (Supposedly, there's even an Arena Football Hall of Fame
somewhere that houses this Orginal Napkin Doctrine). Monstrous nets hang
above the endzones, players are trained to play both sides of the ball,
the field is smaller and a drop-kicked field goal is worth four points. These are just some
of the little nuiances and peculiarites of the AFL. In case you need an in-depth
briefing on all the differences, our pals, the Rocky Mountain News/Denver Post
has blanketed Denver with "Arean Football Previews" this weekend. I'm sure
you can find one at a local grocery store. Or beat the snot out of a homeless guy
and steal his copy.
The AFL's history is even more entertaining. Begun in 1987 with four initial
teams, the league has been in constant flux ever since. Denver fielded the
Dynamite who won the inaugural Hardee's Cup, but did not return for the 1988
season. The Dynamite returned to Denver in 1989 and lasted until
1991 before financial woes snuffed their fuses. The team had a very
small following at the time. Among other factors, poor marketing and no media exposure
led to the team's dispersal.
In the Summer of 1991 I picked up my weekly Little Caesar's Pizza! Pizza! and
noticed a coupon stapled on top of my grub. Buy One, Get One Free- Denver Dynamite
tickets! Armed with my coupons, I attended two games that Summer and had a great time.
The owner of
Little Caesar's had a big share in
the AFL and did his best to promote it (which would
also explain the gigantic PIZZA!PIZZA! banners that lined
the sidelines of most AFL games). At halftime,
Little Caesar himself would walk out on the field
and throw frisbees to the adoring crowd. The other AFL sponsor was Zubaz-
the sports apparel company with tiger and zebra-styled
crap (trust me, these were all the rage in the early 90's).
Every AFL at the time had some sort of zebra striped
area on their uniforms.
Curious about the
AFL, my buddy Jeremy and I dropped by a "sportsfan's superstore" that weekend and
asked for some Denver Dynamite football cards. The clerks laughed at us
and tried to sell us some shitty CFL cards. We didn't care,
we knew that Dynamite games were re-broadcast at 11pm on Prime Sports
Network (the pre-cursor to FoxSportsNet) and we supported our playoff-bound
Dynamite. The fact that nobody else knew WHO or WHAT the hell we were talking about
appealed to us. We were the freaking EXPERTS on the Denver Dynamite- nobody
could argue with us! We knew that Fullback/Linebacker Jon El-Masry
had just returned from the WLAF and did a great job blocking for
quarterback Mike Hold and wideout Willie Cannon.
The Denver Dyanmite lost their playoff game to the Albany Firebirds that
year and were never seen again. Arena Football was quickly forgotten in
Denver. Until 1998 when the rival Professional Indoor Football
League came to town. Denver may paint itself as a sports mecca...but the Colorado Wildcats
were the football team nobody knew of. Longtime visitors to this site may notice
the Links page and the link to
"the Lamest Football League in the World". Currently a dead URL,
this was the home of the PIFL (Professional Indoor Football League).
The PIFL had teams in Wisconsin, Utah, Mississippi, Denver and even Hawaii.
It was February 1998 and a football-crazed Denver was still in
mid-euphoria over the Broncos' first Super Bowl Title.
If ever an upstart league could catch on, it would be this year. Or so I thought...
believe it or not, but at the time I was the webmaster/designer for Colorado
Internet Company and one of our big clients was the Colorado Wildcats.
I designed their site singlehandedly and delivered game updates for
roughly two or three months. As a perk, Colorado Internet (all four of us)
received complimentary VIP tickets to each Wildcats game, played
at the Denver Coliseum. I went to about four
games, sitting just over the wall on the field level with the whole
row to me and my guests. Even better, we were also allowed
access to the VIP lounge- all you can eat Hooters wings, pizza,
beer and Coke. "Beavis, this is the coolest job ever".
I really wanted the Wildcats to catch on. The entire league
soon began to experience a multitude of problems. For one,
the game tired to emulate "real" football. Plus, the
goalposts were constructed on PVC pipe and duct tapes. One team folded
four weeks into the season. The Wildcats beat the Utah Catzz on
a last second field goal. However, the Catzz appealed the
decision, declaring the field goal went wide right and that
their previous attempt had been good. In an unprecendeted move
(well, at least one I have NEVER seen), the teams played a "make-up
game" to settle the issue and this time the Wildcats lost. Imagine if
the NFL had decided to replay the Titans-Steelers playoff game. The decision
made the league appear weak and only added to their misery. A few weeks later,
the Wildcats stopped paying their web-hosting fees and soon went under.
A Colorado Springs businessman, who had tried out for the Wildcats only
weeks before, bought the team and allowed them to finish their schedule.
The schedule wasn't much by this time, as a few more teams had folded. Additionally,
the team had essentially been kicked out of the Coliseum and could only
play their "away" games. All "home" games were forfeited.
The nomadic Wildcats landed in Colorado Springs in 1999 as the
Rocky Mountain Thunder. The PIFL was still trying to find solid ground.
As late as Fall 1999 they promoted open tryouts for the
Idaho Stallions expansion team (I even drew up a prelimiary road trip
to attend one tryout. Due to my head problems I can't play football
ever again for risk of permanent injury, but I was hoping to catch
on as a coach or administrator). I lost track of the league soon
after and they disappeared sometime in 2000. My only
relic of the Colorado Wildcats/PIFL remains a small
screenshot in my printed portfolio. After two failed attempts,
surely nobody would try to attempt arena/indoor football
in Denver again.
But if anyone can do the unexpected in Denver, it's John Elway.
The new CEO/President/Part-owner/Emergency QB of the
expansion Coloardo Crush, Elway's new team has been garnering
inordinate amounts of media coverage over the past year. To its
credit, the AFL seems to have matured and appears more polished
this time around. 23 teams are no longer in the AFL, but
things appear to be turning around for the vagabond league. NBC, still
bitter over being screwed in every opening by the XFL and Vince McMahon,
has thrown into the AFL with a TV deal. And get this,
there's even a minor league of Arena Football- afl2, with
roughly 30 teams in small markets. In Denver at least, the Colorado
Crush has been promoted on the same levels as the Colorado Avalanche (who?),
the Nuggets and Rockies.
Today, the "big" day finally arrived, and I blew 14 bucks on two tickets
to the first Colorado Crush game against the Georgia Force (no truth to the
rumor that the team was originally called the Georgia Lynching). Several former
Broncos are on board for Elway's new playtoy. Former Bronco WR and
All-White Guy Posse Member Michael Young has a front office job.
Former Center Keith Kartz
is involved in the coaching side. Former Broncos Andre Cooper,
Cyron Brown and Delvin Hughley are around, along with the
the All-time NFL Leader in Apostrophes- Butler By'Not'e (a former
Broncos DB/KR, who later played for the Carolina Panthers). In
a small surprise, Hall of Fame Finalist and Phil Long Ford's Salesman of
the Month, Randy Gradishar was honored right before kickoff.
The video game effects of the Pepsi Center's scoreboard went into overdrive
as the game started. I expected to see Mario and Luigi bouncing
around the scoreboard. Not a second of silence is allowed,
as heavy metal and classic rocks songs are constantly pounded out on the
speakers. I start a contest and draw "3rd Quarter" in the Crazy Train Pool.
The object of the game is to draw the correct quarter for when Ozzy Osbourne's
"Crazy Train" will be played. Each seat was equipped with a FREE
Commemorative Pom-Pom. Fans wave them... others stuff these
pom-poms under their hats, making them appear like Red from "Fraggle Rock".
After much hype and 13 classic rock songs (but no "Crazy Train"), the game began.
Georgia went 3 and out and the Crush scored on their first possession. Many plays
followed. If you're really craving a play-by-play of an Arena Football game,
then I worry for you.
Midway through the first quarter I spot two enthusiastic fans in the lower bowl.
One is a tall guy dressed in a full Crush unifrom- shoulder pads and all.
He has a net draped over him and it appears he has dreadlocks
flowing out of his helmet. He also has a sidekick who leads him around
on a chain- a midget in an orange suit. I can only imagine this dude's
thought process. He's sitting at home on Friday night, watching
Discovery Channel or the SciFiChannel and thinks to himself:
"hey, I know what I'll do...I'll get my Predator dreadlocks,
my full football uniform and call up my friend the midget! Then, we're
goin' to that game on Sunday and he'll lead me around on a collar! Shit,
sometimes I even amaze myself!"
I also notice that the cheerleaders all conglomerate in what appears to be a hogpen
on the side of one endzone. I dub it the Ho Pen, and notice that while
the AFL field is roughly 1/3 the size of an NFL field, an AFL cheerleader
also wears roughly 1/3 the amount of clothing as an NFL cheerleader. For some reason,
a small pig (yes, a PIG) ran out onto the field after one cheering segment.
Halftime hits and I discover that the Pepsi Center is cursed with a Kiss
Tribute band dubbed "Hotter than Hell". (Why do KISS tribute bands never name
themselves after the really SHITTY Kiss songs? Like "Got to Choose", "Fits
Like a Glove" or "Great Expectations"?) I'll give them credit, their singer
has mastered Paul Stanley's high pitched gay/New York accent to a TEE!
While all this is happening, the "Colorado Crush Halftime EXTRAVAGANZA"
is going on. People ride bikes... shirtless guys ring from a trapeze...
rhythymless dancers run around... I never thought I'd say it, but
at this point I'm actually LONGING for a marching band. Where the hell
is Little Caesar?
The game continues and stuff happens. There's a few
bizarre penalties and strategies going on,
and I want to Consult The Napkin. The announcer quickly picks up the
semi-famous "IN....COM..PLETE" chant. Apparently not up on my football,
I try it when the Crush player drops a pass. I am not complimented.
Fans begin dying for anything to chant. Andre Cooper catches
a few passes prompting fans to chant "Coooooop" as if that's
acceptable behavior. Crush QB John Dutton fumbles
three times, including one that is recovered for a touchdown by Georgia.
Fans sound like they're cheering "Boooooo", but I can't see how
that works into Dutton's name. Several contests are held to
amuse the fans. First prize is a four pack of tickets...
I suspect second prize is an EIGHT pack of tickets. A local
radio station named KISS FM sponses a "Kiss Cam"- if you're pictured
you're supposed to kiss the person next to you. I cross my fingers and
hope they'll pick two chics. I am not complimented.
Eventually, someone turned off the Nintendo Console and the festivties ended with
the Crush losing 40-44.
I got Van Halen, Blue Oyster Cult, Scorpions and even frickin' Loverboy..
but NO Crazy Train. That's like the unwritten rule of a spprting event nowadays-
you have to play Crazy Train.
The game was entertaining, but I think it was in danger of being over-promoted.
AFL stuff is amusing, but nowhere near the big-league level of excitement
that was being promoted. I went out of curiousity and that same sense of amusement.
I think some fans went looking for something to latch onto and discuss at the water cooler.
I'm not trying to be a non-conformist because I was there for
the "good ol' days" of the Dynamite and Wildcats. I equated those games to
going to see a relatively unknown band play at a small club, not a
mainstream band play at an arena. If I wake up tomorrow and hear some
radio dweeb trying to analyze the game as if it were a Broncos game, then
I'm officially Giving Up on the Human Race.
The Crush product is not worth going out of your way for,
but it is worth checking out. I'm an optimist about
Arena Football and I actually dig the game, but
I don't see the Crush living past 5 years. At 7 bucks a hit, it beats going
out for a movie. If you like the video game antics that come with
the Pepsi Center and you consider ESPNZONE "fine dining", then
you'll think this is the greatest thing since your right hand discovered
baby oil. I'm not saying it's shitty football...I'm saying that
it's different football, not to be taken seriously. If you're a football nut,
you'll probably dig it. I don't see how you can get passionate about the
game. It's closer to the Globetrotters than it is to the Steelers
or Packers. Or, it's what Putt-putt golf is to the
world of "real" golf, complete with the spinning windmills,
water fountains and ceramic gnomes. It's not a substitue for
NFL football, but you can really
have FUN watching an Arena game. You won't sweat bullets or curse at the refs, but
will be subjected to a fun little diversion for 2.5 hours.
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