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SPORTS-(BRONCOS)

Return of The Denver Broncos' All-Time Winningest Bleacher Bum

I swore I wouldn't do another Broncos recap. But if there's anyone who can sound off on attending a Broncos-Steelers tilt, it's yours truly. Plus, after Sunday's game, the Broncos are now 30-5 in Games Attended by Yer Pal, ES. And 2-0 this season.

30-5

Sure, your MOM may have gone to one game, and the Broncos won... but try 10, 20 or even 35 games.

Furthermore, whenever I score season tickets, the Broncos are assured of winning the AFC West. See: 1991 and 1996 seasons. They don't need to waste all that money on draft picks and free agents. The Broncos can simply cut me 600 bucks for season tickets each year. I'll even settle for 500 level seats in the last row of the north end zone. That's it. 500 bucks a year gets the Broncos to the playoffs. Email Pat Bowlen now.

I'm sure you've read the headlines somewhere else, the Broncos beat the Steelers 17-14 on a last second field goal by Jason Elam. But what you may NOT have heard is....

• Steelers haven't played in Denver since Mike Tomczak led them to a 13-37 defeat in 1993. They've apparently gained alot of fans since then, as there was a sizeable crew of Steeler fans throughout the stadium. Most were waving their "Mildy Offensive Sneeze Rags".
   
• I was sitting in the lower level, eight rows up from the north end zone on the west side. Thus, I received a good sunburn on the right side of my face. As long as I don't furrow my brow, there's no pain. Also makes me look a little bit like Two-Face from Batman comics.
   
• There was a Jerome Bettis lookalike sitting about five rows in front of us. He had the beard, jersey and even looked like Jerome. Just needed his own bowling ball. He also wore a construction helmet....
   
• Why do fans wear construction helmets? Remember when Buffalo was hot? Every home game, they'd always show that loser in the first row wearing his construction helmet with the Bruce Smith Starting Lineup figure on the bill. Saw several Bronco construction helmets around the yard. It makes sense for a Steelers fan, or an old Oliers fan (but that's strecthing it). What's a Steeler? A steel worker. What was an Oiler? A guy who worked on an oil rig. What's a Bronco? A horse...so that just screams: wear a construction helmet!!
   
• Mario Fatafehi. That name was just BORN to be announced over a PA system. They should play the background music from "Super Mario Bros 2" whenever he gets a sack. Makes me wanna get up and jump on some turtles, it does.
   
• The Jerome lookalike was seated with another Steeler "fan". This guy consistently held up his cardboard sign while play was going on. Completely obstructing the view of several Bronco and Steeler fans behind him. People would holler at him to sit his chubby ass down. His rebuttal? "I've been on TV twice, buddy!". Too bad it wasn't for being talented. Even worse, the bottom of the dork's sign said "Hi from Oregon!".
   
• Darryl Gardener played?
   
• Brian Gri...eerrr, Steve Beurlein started at QB. First pass- INT. Actually, my record with backup QBs is quite favorable. Even counting a 1992 game against the Giants when, ironically, Tommy Maddox took the majority of the snaps for the Broncos.
   
• We sat next to Lakewood's top candidate for the Ms. Regional Trailer Trash Pageant. Gal invited us to her party in two weeks....then showed us her ankle tattoo of her 1988 Suzuki Samurai. "This is mah' bay-bee!" And you thought Zed from "Pulp Fiction" was disturbing...
   
• My seat partner for the day, gStragand was on hand, as well. He still thinks Chuck Noll is the Steelers head coach, but he wore his Kevin Greene jersey from circa 1995. Some goofball in the crowd yelled after him "hey! Mean Joe Green!". By the way, whatever happened to Kevin Greene? I'm surprised there hasn't been a Greene-Goldberg wrestling match.
   
• Kids, listen up... you DON'T do the wave when the home team has the ball!
   
• Go back and re-read that last bullet. The wave is supposed to distract and create noise. (Doesn't distract really, but it does make noise). In the 80's the wave would break out with each section rising up and yelling "DEFENSE". Now clueless dolts start it when their team is on offense. Offense. Defense. Not sure, but I believe there's a difference.
   
• Spotted a Barrel Man wannabe behind the north end zone. Didn't see that damn Denver Gold/Colorado Lotto Leprechaun.
   
• Everyone knows that the Barrel Man is sick.. but if the Leprechaun fell ill, would anyone notice?
   
• Or Patrick Hape for that matter.
   
• Just for the record, if you buy Gatorade or water on your way through the parking lots, chug it before you go in the stadium.
   
• And if you BUY WATER, then have I got a deal for you...
   
• I know the Broncos' kick off song is something like "We Ready" by Bubba Sparxx, but to me it sounds like they're saying "wheat bread... wheat breadddd... wheeeeeat breeeaddddd..for y'all". Better nutrition through hip hop, dawg.
   
• Of course, the stadium can't skimp on the crappy Scorpions, Ratt and Def Leppard songs. Funny thing is, ALOT of people were singing along to Ratt's "Round and Round".
   
• Tough break to have Ian Gold go out for the year. But that means my "cousin" Donnie Spragan is now the starter!
   
• Rod Smith made his two big catches right in front of us. That adds nothing to your enjoyment, but I found it noteworthy.
   
• It's acceptable to stomp on the floor when the defense is on the field. During the fourth quarter, I recommend switching to the Slayer method of stomping: use the double foot floor-stomp bass drumming method. You have to save it for the Fourth, though. Stick with one foot for the first three. The Slayer stomp loses its luster if you use it earlier.
   
• As I was leaving the game we saw the usual street preacher with a bullhorn and his Jesus Saves sign. Why is that you never see a Hindu guy up on milk crate yelling "I am to be going to nirvana...you can go, too!"?
   

Again, my adress is available on this site somewhere...so get those tickets in the mail, Pat!

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