SPORTS-(BRONCOS)
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vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (L 14-23)
The Broncos celebrated their history with their annual Alumni Weekend on Sunday. Terrell Davis was added to the Ring of Fame
and several alumnus were on hand, including a good chunk of the 1997 Super Bowl team. Even the Jaguars got
in on the retro fun, as they also took the Donkeys back to 1997. Specifically, January of 1997, when
an overlooked Jaguars team came into Denver and proceeded to embarass the Broncos in their own yard. Things were so
bad that, for the first time in over 12 years, the Donkeys did NOT have the lead sports story
in the Rocky Moutain News after their game: that honor belonged to the Colorado Rockies, for probably the first time in
over 12 years.
This time, David Garrard played the part of Mark Brunell. Scrambling and completing 138 passes, Garrard
looked every bit as explosive as the former Jaguars signal caller. Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor took the
role of Natrone Means.
The Jaguars didn't wait, as they put up a first half drive, totalling 80 yards
and almost 12 minutes for an early lead that they never surrendured. Aside from the opening 0-0 tie,
the Donkeys were behind the entire game. The other shoe had finally dropped and they were affirmed what
a mutlitude of critics had thoerized: that the Donkeys were, in fact, the luckiest 2-0 team in
modern NFL history.
Or else their incompetent play-calling
might've played a part, as they handed the ball to Travis Henry FOUR times in the entire
first half. A team's workhorse back needs to carry roughly
20-30 times a game to be successful. Going away from Henry,
the Donkeys were busy playing with shotgun formations, inside hand-offs and
draws that went nowhere. I'm sure these seemed like sexy ideas when the Donkeys' offensive coaches
drew them up this week. But sometimes a sexy idea looks foolish when you set out to execute it
in broad daylight. You end up looking like a sick pervert to the rest of the world.
John Lynch missed most of the game with a strained groin (shouldn't that be a Travis Henry injury?).
Jeff Shoate seemed to take Lynch's place, but the absence of one strong safety in his late 30's shouldn't
be enough to cripple and entire defense. The Jaguars ran a "pro college" offensive scheme by spreading the ball
around to three backs. Moving the quarterback and making 10-20 yard tosses across the middle. Passes that exploited that
boundary between the linebackers' zone and the defensive backs' zone. The Jaguars ran maybe five conventional
"pro style" pass plays the entire game.
Bright spots for the Donkeys were about as abundant as a low fat salad on Adams the Hutt's menu. Elvis Dumervil
and Alvin McKinley recorded quarterback sacks, but the rest of the day the Donkey pass rush applied
as much pressure as a warm towel. Domenik Hixon turned in his third straight horrible performance in the
return game. Hixon has never seen a crowd that he didn't like. The Jaguars could've bounced kick-offs off the back
wall of the endzone and Hixon would've picked it up and tried to return it (note to
Hixon: when you are halfway into the endzone, returning it to the 16 is NOT a good move. It's a loss
of 4 yards. You must've graduated early, because you sure as shit don't understand math. Viva el Athletic
Scholarship!).
The offense didn't get much of a chance in the first half, as the defense let the Jaguars
eat up the clock for about 20 minutes. Mike Shanahan still feels that Jay Cutler is
the All-Purpose Wonder Quarterback Mix and can take over a game. That particular brand of
muffin mix will take at least two more years to rise. The lone bright spot
was second-year man Brandon Marshall. Marshall turned in what may very well turn out to
be his "breakout game". He had an absolutely jaw-dropping catch in the third, when he
caught a short pass, juked past three Jaguar defenders and got the Donkeys into
the red zone. Marshall led all receivers in receptions and yards on the day.
For all their pratfalls and miscues, the Donkeys still had a chance in the fourth quarter. Maurice Jones-Drew
fumbled at the 4 yard line. Yes, once again it was in the North End Zone-- the new home of Denver witchcraft.
If you're counting, this was the THIRD straight home game where Uncanny Shenanigans occurred
in the North. Instead of the Stanley Hotel, the Sci-Fi Channel should dispatch their "Ghost Hunter"
weenies to cover this the North End Zone of Invesco Field. Is Jeremiah Castille dead and are
his ashes sprinkled there?
But on Sunday, the only living Donkey who made the alumni proud was Marshall. The rest of the team looked
like corpses on the embalming table.
Chop Blocks
...||... CBS Announcer Randy Cross: you need to do your homework, or at least think before speaking. A tough concpet,
I know. In Sunday's game, you
said that something was: "funny and I don't mean funny ha-ha". Think about the context of that reference, douchebag.
You are referring to "Sling Blade". In that movie, when Karl said something wasn't "funny ha-ha", he meant
that it was "funny queer". Unless there was man-on-man action in Sunday's game, things weren't "funny".
...||... How's that for karma? The Raiders pulled off that last minute timeout/kick trick this week against
the Browns, and it worked! Sure, they're the Raiders, but it's nice to know that things between them and
the Gods of Football are all settled.
...||... First the Steelers made wacky "retro" uniforms, now the Eagles have done it. Y'know,
since both of those cases resembled vomit, I can't wait until it's the Donkeys turn to do it. That'll
be the perfect time for the Return of the Vertical Striped Socks!
...||... I wonder if Michael Vick can watch a random NFL game this year--- for instance, something between the
Titans and the Jets-- and say "I don't care who wins. I got no dog in this fight".
...||... That Nike Football commercial with Shawne Merriman and Steven Jackson makes me chuckle. To the tune
of "Theme from Last of the Mohicans", it shows Merriman, then Jackson, running through a seemingly endless grid iron.
The part that amuses me is when it switches to Jackson against the Steelers: a Steeler with #4 on his jersey comes
over to get in on the tackle. You're telling me that a KICKER is out there looking to put the wood to someone?
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