SPORTS-(BRONCOS)
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Vs. New York Giants (W, 31-20)
September 10- Feels good to get number one out of the way. Unless you're bloated, then it feels good to
get number two out of the way. On Monday night, the Broncos and Brian Griese
performed up to all expectations and shat all over the Giants while getting win number one
in the books.
It wasn't an easy task. At first, the Giants traded blows with the Broncos, evenly.
The Giants are a decent team and will have a respectable season this year.
Somewhere in the third quarter, the altitude factor seemed to kick in, and the
winded Giants' linemen were left gasping. In the second half, the Broncos struck for three sacks,
17 points and a new mascot. Two of those things brought the crowd to its feet... the other
was a new mascot. I'm not sure, but I think this same mascot also performed an awful "rap"
as the intro to the MNF broadcast.
While the live halftime show featured the debut of a jackass in a foam outfit,
the TV halftime featured foam brained jackasses trying to cover Mile High Stadium's
history. Initially it was okay, with words from Tom Jackson, Jim Turner and
a groundskeeper. But when it was over, they had simply ran through FOUR games:
the very first MNF game in Denver, the Okoye-Atwater game in 1990,
the Joe Montana highlight reel in 1994, and last year's Raiders game. Yup, that was it.
After reviewing the Atwater-Okoye hit, Dan Fouts bemoaned the fact that Steve Atwater led with
his helmet and that "he should receive a call from the league office, this week!".
No word on the amount of Atwater's penalty, as of yet.
As the game wore on, the Giants' famed "Thunder and Lightning" duo of Tiki Barber and
Ron Dayne dimmed. The Broncos counted with "thunder and lightning, and hail and rain and
wind". Brian Griese provided the lightning. Mike Anderson the thunder.
Terrell Davis the hail. Rod Smith the rain. Ed McCaffrey the wind. But then McCaffrey simply
blew out in the fourth. In what seemed like a typical Ed shellacking, McCaffrey did NOT
get up. After all those years of getting hellaciously bludegeoned, a regular, non-
devastating shot took out McCaffrey for the year. Word is he has a fractured leg and
is gone until June. A huge loss for the Broncos, but Eddie Kennison, Chris Cole,
the returning Keith Poole, Travis McGriff and even...Kevin Kasper can work together
to fill the gap. Kasper will draw the uncreative comparisons to McCaffrey ("he's white
and plays wideout. Ergo, he's the second coming of McCaffrey"), but those sentiments
are misguided.
For the record, Terrell Davis started at RB and gained over 100 yards. He started out rather
sluggishly. By halftime he was averaging 2 yards a rush.
However, following his typical pattern, he broke free for some big gains in the
second half and finished with just over 100 and a respecatble average. Mike Anderson
got the "thunder" portion, as he got the call to take the ball in for the Bronco's
rushing TD from 8 yards out. Anderson played in garbage time and finished with 6 runns for 10 yards-
not a good fantasy sports line, but the TD is what matters. Despite TD's
promotion to #1, the debate still rages- who should start at RB?
(and YOU can vote for YOUR choice, on the eStragand.com Poll... just go back to the
"Broncos/Football" index. Plug. plug).
The mention of Griese deserves special notice. He had a QB rating of over 143.
After years of research and speculation, I'm proud to announce that I've
actually discovered the NFL QB rating formula. No sarcasm.... I'm talking about the
REAL thing. I'll post it here for you, next week. (I'd type it now, but
the paper's at home, and not in the office with me). If you know basic Algebra, you
can learn his formula and, no doubt, get a few free drinks at your local tavern.
I only ask that you cite the source I got it from- a high school algebra teacher in
Brightn, CO. Heck, go ahead and -EMAIL- me, and you'll be on my priority of
Things to Do Before Next Week.
Next week is the cheapest and most accessible Broncos game of the year.
With ticket prices what they are in Denver, the cheapest way to see the Broncos is
to travel to Indianapolis and buy a ticket for next week's game against the Colts.
San Diego's pretty cheap, too. But I guarantee that you'll do more impulse spending in
San Diego than you will in Indy.
In the meantime, if you're bored, be sure to swing by the
Broncos' site and perform your civic duty of
naming their mascot. It looks like a happy Donkey from
Captain Kangaroo (or The Great Space Coaster), so it could be called the "Name the Ass" contest.
I'd give out snappy suggestions, but it really doesn't matter WHAT
we want to name it. The name will be opposed by Denver Mayor Wellington Webb and
ignored by the Denver Post. Therefore, look forward to the announcement of
"Denver Mascot That Works In The Parking Lot by Old Mile High Stadium And Performs
In a City By The Mountains Where John Elway Used to Play" (or DMTWITPLBOMHSAPIACBTMWJEUTP)
as the official moniker.
FINAL CUTS
Those slut outfits the Denver Broncos' Cheerleaders had sure accomplished their
goal. After one shot of them, I completely forgot about Missy Stark. Well, almost.
....||...
Ever notice that Stark always holds a microphone, but Mushmouth Dickerson uses a
headset? Hmmm...phalic you say? In a male-oriented TV production? Naww
...||...
With all those motions and weird formations, I expect Bears' coach Dick Jauron to
install the single wing offense by Week Seven.
...||...
WWF's Hardy Boyz take note: Zach Thomas' swanton bomb into the endzone on Sunday night
is the way to hit that move!
...||...
Was that Britney Spears doing that awful "rap" to open MNF? If so, I've finally figured WHY she
doesn't excite me- the broad looks like "Lady" from Disney's "Lady and the Tramp".
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