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Vs. Washinton Redskins (L 10-17)
Sometimes a team resembles a city. In Denver, people like to boast about how they
can survive the harsh winter weather conditions. They brag about their
high-priced SUV's and ability to dig themselves out of their homes when the
dreaded snow hits. Deadhorse, Alaska has nothing on the dynamic
climate of Denver, Colorado! Nope, we're tough as nails, here!
Then, one afternoon, a slight trace of snow hits. Traffic sputters.
The roads are littered with misguided Ford Expeditions and
Chevy Tahoes. People call in to work.
"Well, I'd better leave early.. no telling how bad the road are!"
is a common phrase. The local grocery stores sell out of canned goods.
The slightest trace of ...gasp...SNOW sends the entire Denver Metro area
into a semblance of panic. Suddenly, all the bravado about surviving
"harsh conditions" seems hollow. Faced with a little difficulty,
Denver shits its pants. Sometimes a town resembles its team.
Just six weeks ago, the Washington Redskins were billed as, hands-down,
the worst team in professional football. Even the Idaho Stallions of
the Professional Indoor Football League were scheduling
the Redskins for "Fan Appreciation Night". A few high schools in
Kentucky booked the Redskins for their homecoming opponent.
Marty Schottenheimer was a clueless relic and
Washington was a team without a quarterback, wide receiver, tight end,
and about 13 other unmanned positions. They arrived in Denver to play the
Broncos with all of these problems still intact. Then, they left Denver with
all of these problems intact. Oh yeah, in between they managed to beat
the Broncos.
With the hapless Redskins coming into town, not even the sudden climate change
would affect the Broncos production....right? The Redskins were the right team
to play, at the right time...right?
A slight case of rain, wind and sleet sent the Broncos into a panic.
The cheapest ticket was 85 dollars, but Invesco Field at Mile High was
roughly 65% full at kickoff. What happened to all the durable
fans who can survive the harshest climate? Fantasy football office geeks
sit in their chairs on the weekdays talking about "football weather".
The mere menton of "football weather" inspired these sentimental
dipshits so much, that they couldn't be bothered to fire up their
SUV's and leave the comfort of their cookie-cutter suburban house.
Pampered wimps. Sometimes a team resembles its fans.
Just like their fans spend large cash lumps on SUVs, the Broncos
spent large cash lumps on their offense. Brian Griese is locked up for
the next six years at a ridiculous rate. On Sunday, he continued to
throw those pathetic descending hypotanuses. Someone must have told
Griese that the best place to put a pass is your receiver's knees.
He finished with a sparkling 11 completions, and the Broncos deepest penetration
came on a muffed punt return by Reskins returner Eric Metcalf.
The type of penetration that wouldn't get a 15 year old
cheerleader excited. Rod Smith adjusted and caught the only Broncos TD
of the day. At least Griese shaved his stubble this week, so there
can be no mistaking him for a pussy, now.
All decent players have had the ability to take over or dominate a game.
Be they offense or defense. John Elway routinely did this.
Terrell Davis had his moments. In his prime, Reggie White
could dominate and dictate the pace of a game. The same can be said,
nowadays, for Ray Lewis. Brian Griese has had countless chances to
take over a game and show signs of controling a game, but has never
responded. The Broncos believed they were getting a
Hummer when they signed him up for six years. Instead, they got
a Nissan XTerra. It may look nifty on the outside, but it's really
an overpriced abomination with plastic enhancements, no traction and a shitty engine.
It was sloppy, but at halftime the score was 10-3 and it appeared as if
the Broncos would simply outlast the sloppy play of the Redskins.
Redskins QB Tony Banks had to be carted off the field after
Broncos DE Leon Lett threw all 765 lbs of his juggbutt frame on
him. The legend of Tony Banks was replaced by the legend of Kent Graham.
Coming out onto the field for the third quarter, Redskins tackle
Chris Samuels muttered a rather lame inspiration speech.
"Let's win this one for Tony Banks, ya'all", delivered with all
the panache and intensity of "Thank you, please drive through".
To say it sparked the Redskins would be laughable, as the Broncos
were intent on stealing Washington's recent moniker of
"Worst team in the NFL".
Arguably, the Broncos played one of the worst games in franchise history.
Washington was allowed to crawl to a 17-10 win. The fans crawled
away at halftime, leaving roughly 5,000 people in the
seats. 3,000 of those were beer vendors and security. The phrase "Denver Offense"
was about as intimidating as the phrase "Taliban Special Forces".
They're a team with instability at every position and a bleak outlook for the future.
As strange as it may sound, the Denver Broncos' season is over before
Thanksgiving. To dive into the old cliche bag from last year, only
one phrase sums this game up:
"Worst. episode. Ever."
-Comic Book Shop Guy, "The Simpsons", 1990-current
Or, if that doesn't turn your crank, feel free to borrow my trusty
"Dressed to Kill" CD. It's being used, more and more often these days.
You remember that one...it has the song "Rock Bottom" on it. On second thought,
"Dressed to Kill" isn't THAT bad of an album. With the way the Broncos played, they
deserve an even crappier KISS album... like something off of "Music for The Elder".
FINAL CUTS
While this game is currently the shoo-in for the
2001 eStragand.com Corey Dillon Award, it would not surprise me if
that were to change in the next few weeks.
...||...
I wish the Broncos were an NFC team. FOX broadcasts primarily NFC contests, while
CBS does the AFC. This weekend's game was on FOX, and featured very few
in-show promos for FOX sitcoms. Commercials were kept to
the COMMERCIALS. Not squeezed in between a 3rd-and-9 call, as CBS
constantly does.
...||...
I've poked fun at Detroit on this site, in recent weeks. But, the Lions
would absolutely decimate the Broncos, right now.
...||...
You just knew drugs had to be involved to get "He Hate Me" into the NFL.
But it wasn't a general manager smoking weed, Eagles RB Terrence Carrol was
caught with a packet of marijuana, leading to his release. His replacement:
Former Las Vegas Outlaws RB Rod Smart.
...||...
denverbroncos.com has been re-designed, slightly. Still has that annoying,
scribbling FLASH plug-in, though.
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