NEWS
EStragand.com Advocates Blowing the Living Shit Out of Terrorism
Denver- October 8, 2001- The EStragand Corporation
held an impromptu press conference today to announce their recently
adopted stance on terrorism. "To paraphrase Kurt Russell's 1979 Used Cars
movie: we at EStragand.com don't just condemn terrorism, but we advocate
Blowing the Living Shit Out of Terrorism" announced the
Estragand Corporation's PR lackey, dressed in his Sheriff Lucky
costume.
"Furthermore, we will not be satisfied until Osama's corpse
is drug through the streets of every major US city, like
a demented version of the Stanley Cup. Every U.S. taxpayer
should also be allowed to spend one with the corpse, much
like that hockey trophy". The PR lackey was then asked
what his plans for his day with the corpse were. "I'm debating
between hocking loogies into his dried skull, or planting
a Chia Herb Gerden inside his ribs. Being infested with Chia
Herbs... a fate worse than death, definitely"
Relieved at the prospect of finding an adversary with
absolutely no redeemable qualities, the remainder of the
news conference was generally upbeat and violent.
"It's said that the Great Wall of China is the only man-made
structure viewable from space. Well, that's due to change.
Let's bomb Afghanistan in an artistic way...so that the
craters read D.F.W.U.S.A, when you view the Earth from
outer space". D.F.W.U.S.A? "Oh yeah...that's a spiffy acronym for:
DON'T FUCK WITH THE USA!". The PR lackey then departed to report to his
new night job- manager of the Lucky U Motel on South Broadway.
The EStragand CMFO was on hand to quell the crowd. "What pisses me off
the most if that this could have been me..or anyone in this room.
If I lived in New York, there's a good chance that my job would
have been in lower Manhattan, and possibly the WTC. What military
order have I...or any other office worker, EVER issued??"
"According to nerds and conspiracy theorists, the US government's
been doing all sorts of nasty things since the 40's. Great, we haven't
been committed to fucking over an entire group of people since WWII ended....
now the gloves are off. Let's see how nasty we really are. Crap, everyone in this
room would love to beat Osama bin Laden's wimpy ass like a dirty rug! Like
Roddy Piper once said- don't throw rocks at a guy with a machine gun,
Towel-i-ban!"
As joyous as the attendes were in their newfound hatred, restraint was
stressed. "Let's say you live in a communal house..with about 15 roommates,
or kinda like the Real World, for all you youngsters. Over the years, some of the rooomies
have been leaving the toilet seat up, or eating your donuts....Nothing too big, but still
annoying.
One day you come home
and find one of the roomies has chainsawed your car in half and spray painted
FUCK YOU on the hood. You know ONE of the roomies did it.. but who? You can't
go beating the crap out of every roomate, because 14 of them are innocent. You can't
just burn the entire house down, either. It's a nice house, after all. But when you do
find out who chainsawed your car, you have every right to prosecute that
sonuvabitch to the fullest extent of the law."
In closing, the CMFO reminded all attendees that terrorist are "..typically pussies.
Scheming, hypocritic, dangerous little pussies... but pussies none the less.
Shit, look at Cobra Commander, he was a major wimp! If their cause is so
just, why is it that NO country in the world (except Afghanistan) will back them?
If they hate America, why were some of those pricks getting shitfaced and receiving lapdances
in Hollywood, Florida a few nights before the attack? It's time to Blow the Living Shit out of
these idiotic hippocrites. I'll even refund my $300 tax relief check if it'll fund a round of
explosives for our Special Forces".
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