NEWS
EStragand 2001 North American Tour Kicks off in Florida- First leg a rousing success
Denver- March 14th, 2001- The EStragand Corporation returned to Denver, tonight,
concluding the first leg of their 2001 World Tour. The Tour officially kicked off
Saturday, March 10th, as the Estragand Corporation arrived in Sarasota/Bradenton
Internationla Airport. The usual slew of groupies and fanatics were nowhere to be found,
however.
In a statement issued by the EStragand Corporation, and recited by the reliable
PR Lackey: "We are pleased to announce the first leg of our North American Tour for the
calendar year 2001. Bradenton, Sarasota, Miami and Freeport, Grand Bahama have been lucky enough
to be selected as tour sites, as we begin our annual mission to spread sunshine".
An abridged tour diary follows:
Day One (Mar 10th)- Departure from Denver was highlighted by snow... makes the trip to
a tropical climate all the sweeter! .....Short layover in Cincinnati, highlighted by
absolutely nothing, aside from watching an hour of the CNN Airport Network. While on a shuttle bus,
between terminals, a lady complained to me about a young kid listening to his CD player.
"I can hear that...that's too loud" she whined "Someone tell his father to turn that off!". To which I replied,
"Well, I can hear the noisy engine on this bus... why don't we turn THAT off, too?". ....
Arrived in Sarasota around 6pm. First time my bags have actually beaten me off the plane!...
Smooth check in at the hotel and I quickly find that Bradenton has maybe four main streets.
Head out to Holmes Beahc and Bradenton Beach, where I find exactly NOBODY on the beach! Aside
from a Cuban family trying to build a bonfire on one pier.... Got my feet into the Gulf of Mexico, then
hopped over to Basil's BBQ and Chicken for dinner.
Day Two (Mar 11th)- Woke up around 2am... some college/spring break types were
cavorting in the pool. Got up for real, around 9. Head out to McKechnie Field, Spring home of
the beloved Pittsburgh Pirates! I was able to score first row tickets on the visitors'
side, right next to the dugout (special thanks to the extrememly friendly crew I sat with
during the game). Before the game, I was able to meet longtime Pirate Bill Virdon, outside of
the hitting cage. Also got to meet Terry Mulholland, Mike Williams, Reggie Jefferson and
Chad Hermansen. After about 90 minutes of schmoozing with the Bucs, I head to my seat, where
I got to meet some of the visting Toronto BlueJays. Pitching Coach Mark Connor, along with
players Mickey Morandini, Chris Latham, Jayson Werth and EStragand
Toronto Correspondent Trenidad Hubbard dropped by. Not to sound
like an "alternative lifestyle advocate", but I want arms like Hubbard. I assured Hubbard that
he needs to test the free agent market and return to Denver next year. (note: a week after this
game, the Jays released him). ...
During the game, John VanderWal comes up. I tell the folks around me that
he's great coming off the bench, but since he's starting, he probably
won't do diddly squat, today. I must have that bovine
"foot and mouth disease", because I immediately open my mouth and insert foot-
VanderWal launches a homerun to left field. Oops....Ended up with a massive sunburn, but was able to score a
big ass soft baseball hat for my watermelon head, along with a beach towel and two Pirates
shirts. I've never been able to find a soft ball hat. You know the kind,
filmmakers and Keith From Survivor wear them. Tough to find a
watermelon sized one! Pirates ended up winning 2-1, in about two hours. After the game, I got
to bug John Wehner and Warren Morris. Of course, it just wouldn't be Pittsburgh without the food. In the parking lot,
was a restaurant that advertised "Pizza...Hoagies"... favorites of Pittsburghers....
Returned to my room to apply massive amounts of that blue aloe vera stuff. Asked the
cute receptionist at the hotel if there's anything to do at night. I figured, she was
about 20, a nugget and a native of the town, so she must know some places for a
studdly guy like myself to do at night. She laughed and said "heh..it's Bradenton..everything
shuts down at 7"... Undaunted, I zip back out to the beaches. She's right, nothing but old farts.
One obligatory group of volleyballers..but they pack up at 6:30... Not exactly being
Spring Break Central, I get into the laid back spirit of things and find a bar that serves..
ice cream sundaes.
Day Three (Mar 12th)- Get up and head for Miami.....Along the way, stop in Ft. Myers, because I
heard the Yankees were in town to play the Twins. I can't find the Twins complex, but I
immediately find the Red Sox complex. I ask the attendant "hey, where's the Twins complex, I want to
see the.. Yank...err, the TWINS" I figured that if a Red Sox fan was asked to give me directions
to the Yankees, he'd tell me to head 400 miles due west, then reach down with both lips and kiss my own ass.
...Eventually find the Twins park and score a good seat. I met one old dude and a young dude in line,
who, coincedentally sit next to me. Young Dude cracks jokes with me about Chuck Knoblauch and
the Twins...while Old Dude sez "Jeter's a peculiar one.. one of his parents is white, and the
other's a DARKIE!" Oh my.. dogs and cats living together!! What's next??! They'll let women VOTE?!...
Was on a schedule, so had to leave very early. Still got to meet EStragand Minnesota Correspondent
Eduardo Guardado. A Polynesian dude gave HIS autograph to one of the Twins players, as thanks for
eating at his restaurant. The Twins player came up and thanked him and all. We asked the
Polynesian dude who that player was. He said "Oh, thats Jeff!" and took off. I checked the
program, but could find NO "Jeff" on the Twins roster... hauled off down
I-75, through "Alligator Alley". Even saw alligator roadkill! If you're ever driving
east/west across Southern Florida, play the 1.50 for the toll road- it's fucking
awesome! No traffic! ...Made it to Miami and
proceeded to get lost. Note for future reference, I-75 does not have an exit that sez: "Downtown
Miami, next right"... Hung out with (Name Withheld to Protect the Innocent) at South Beach
that night. I was awhite boy from Denver, eating a New York style pizza, served by an Argentinan dude, in
Miami... America's great. .. Also heard that ALL Argentinans speak Spanish with a "gay"
accent... South Beach is fabulous. About the size of Fort Collins, with nothing but
bars, restaurants, hotels, Hot Chixx and freaks. And it's free! Definitely worth seeing at night....
Day Four (Mar 13th)- Get up at 4:30 am and head to Fort Lauderdale for a one day
cruise to Freeport, Grand Bahama.... Incredible. If I tried to make fun of it, or trivialize
it in this article, it would only serve to depreciate the fun I had.... Spring Break kids were
abundant on the trip out. Women I don't mind... "dudes" I mind. Want to blend in? Wear baggy soccer
shorts, a ratty/fuckerd up
ball hat, sandals, a lame necklace and walk around sucking in your gut and trying to flex. Extra
points if you're carrying a Bahama Mama or a Corona, Dude... What a neat place. All buildings
are made out of rock/stone/etc. I guess they're taking a page from the Three Little Pigs
moral. Good to know the lessons of the 3 pigs are still being used in modern society...
On the way back, I try to enter the "Miss Discovery Cruise Line Contest", but am
subsequently disqualified.
Day Five (Mar 14th)- Get up and head back to Bradenton. The drive from Miami to
Ft Myers is approximately the same time as one full KISS Reunion concert, cicra 1996. Complete
with all the solos and encores... Reach Sarasota around noon. Have enough time to
cruise by the Reds' training fields and then over the John Ringling park.
Apparently, Ringling the circus dude, was instrumental in getting Sarasota on the map, as
he made it the winter home of his circus, back in the day. Park includes
a mansion and a museum. Might be exciting...if you own a walker and enjoy bingo...
Hop on the flight to Atlanta, and eventually make it back to Denver. Upon return to Denver
I am greeted by... 45 degree weather. The LOW in Flordia was 68 this week.
The ES Corporation World Tour resumes this Saturday (Mar 24th), in Phoenix and Lake
Havasu City, Arizona. "We look forward
to the second leg generating just as many conversation topics as
the first leg" stated the PR lackey. The lackey then departed
to catch his bus back to the Department of Corrections. For more inforamtion, please contact the
EStragand Info E-mail, to the
bottom left of this page. Participation, donations and input are always
appreciated.
As the press conference ended, Colorado Governor Bill Owens offered his
thoughts on the ES North American Tour. "This proves that Colorado is a
dynamic, interactive and exciting state, with generally nice weather". A reporter was then
startled as a box of napkin holders was accidentally knocked off a table.
