COMICS-(WHEN HYPERTIMES COLLIDE)
"Have at Thee!!"
Lo, the fabled viking warriors of lore shall square off. This month we have
Marvel Comics' own Thor and former pro rassler the Berzerker!
Before the dawn of modern civilization, Thor and the other Norse Gods
were worshipped by the pillaging hordes of Scandinavian Vikings. They eventually
faded away, but luckily the rights to Thor were picked up by Marvel
Comics in the early 60's! Since then, the Mighty Thor
has been vanquishing evil foes and protecting Midgard with his
mighty hammer, big ass cape and goofy hat!
Before the dawn of 1993, the Berzerker was a feared presence of
the squared circle. With his unorthodox tactics and wild behavior,
the Berzerker was known for effortlessly tossing his opponents
over the top rope. Originally known as
the Viking, he terrorized the WWF for a short while before fading into
obscurity....then popping up on WCW's Thunder in early 1998!
 |
 |
| Tale o' the Tape- Thor vs. Berzerker |
| |
Thor |
Berzerker |
Advantage |
| Biggest Accomplishment |
Saved Midgard from Surtur and Ragnarok |
Threw Kerry Von Erich over the top rope |
Thor |
| Aliases |
Sigurd Jarlson, Don Blake, Eric Masterson, Jake Foster |
Nord the Barbarian, John Nord, Yukon John |
Thor |
| Biggest Nemesis |
Loki |
Undertaker |
Thor |
| Lamest Nemesis with jungleprint pants |
Mongoose |
"Superfly" Jimmy Snuka |
Thor |
| Damsels bagged |
Sif, Jane Foster, Brunnhilde the Valkyrie |
presummably some rasslin' groupies |
Thor |
| Teams |
Avengers |
Shiek Adnan Al-Kaissie's Army, Mr. Fuji's lackeys, the Lumberjacks |
Thor |
| Catchphrase |
"Forsooth!", "aye, verily" |
"HUSS! HUSS!" |
Berzerker |
| Other jobs |
God of Thunder |
Sells used cars in Minneapolis |
Thor |
| Foreign Objects Used |
Mjolnir the hammer |
Giant pie-pan "shield", fake sword |
Thor |
| Contemporaries |
Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk |
Kamala, Earthquake, Mr. Perfect |
Thor |
| Lamest contemporary |
Volstagg |
Mr. Fuji |
Thor |
| Big Puffy Boots |
0 |
2 |
Berzerker |
| Trained by |
Odin |
Bruiser Brody |
Berzerker |
| Average dialogue sample |
"Thor will gladly tell you of the time
he bested the Frost Giants. Aye, what victory songs were sung and ales were drank that day in Valhalla..." |
"Yes, Master Fuji! I will rip his head off for you!" |
Berzerker |
| Weakness |
Being away from his hammer for 60 seconds |
Being outside the ring for a 10 count |
Thor |
| Been to other dimensions? |
Yes |
Possibly |
-push- |
Final score: 11-4-1 scores the Mighty Thor as the victor. Aye, thou shalt not
find a finer foe to vanquish in such an erstwhile victory. Come, let us drink to
the ascendary! For to thine victors, go thine prize. Aye, verily!
Drawing on his experience as "Yukon John", Berzerker's manager, Mr. Fuji would
finangle this into a Lumberjack Match! Surrounded on all sides by
their friends and foes alike-- guys like the Destroyer, Hercules, Hogun the Grimm,
Beta Ray Bill,the British Bulldog, Skinner, the Bushwhackers
and the worthless members of Code:Blue. Despite the 'jacks, this would get ugly, quick (although
a mini-match on the outside between Volstagg and Typhoon would make the crowd happy).
Not even run-ins by lame Thor impostors Thunderstrike and Drago would be enough to distract the Mighty Thor.
One thunderous twirl of Mjolnir and one heinous lightning bolt later, the Berzerker
would be a thing of memory....with the ring smelling of burnt hair, naturally.
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