"Snakes....why did it haveta be SNAKES??!!"
Hypertime Arena Matches are always a special occassion, here at ES-land.
But this particular match is more special than all the other specials that
have been specialized...or something. You may notice something peculiar about this match.
It comes to us from the ECW Bingo Hall in Philadelphia and thus, is the very
first Three Way Dance in the history of eStragand.com's Hypertime Arena. The issue?
Just who is the the "King Snake"?
Typically, we take a famous comic book character and pit him against
a pro wrestling counterpart. But, sometimes a feud knows no boundaries..as
the Oakland Raiders' Ken "The Snake" Stabler has come out of retirement to
throw his hat into the ring and settle the snake dispute. Stabler was
instrumental in the Raiders' (semi) glory days of the 70's, quarterbacking the team to a Super Bowl
win over the Minnesota Vikings in 1977. A former Alabama Crimson Tide gunslinger, Stabler typified
the Raiders' rogue image. Holding many
Raider passing marks, he retired in 1984, did a broadcasting gig for TNT in 1990 and now
pimps himself out for personal appearances via his website.
On the comic side of things,
we have the Supreme Snake himself, Cobra Commander. A former car salesman, Cobra Commander
masterminded a door-to-door pyramid scam (think: Amway) and became head of
the international terrorist organization known as Cobra. Despite may assasination attempts
and hare-brained schemes, Cobra Commander keeps bringing Cobra back to menace the
Real American Heroes of the world.
Our final serpentine entrant is Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Probably best known for his
tour in the World Wreslting Federation during the mid to late 80's, Jake was one of the
premier performers of his time. His creepy interviews, DDT finisher and mascot Damien
and well remembered in the pro wreslting world. Jake is also remembered for
his role in 1999's "Beyond the Mat", where he abuses substances like a redneck abuses his wife.
| Tale o' the Tape- Stabler vs. Commander vs. Roberts |
| |
Stabler |
Cobra Commander |
Roberts |
Advantage |
| Boss |
John Madden/ Al Davis |
none- head of own terrorist network |
Vince McMahon |
Cobra Commander |
| Signature move/play |
The Holy Roller Play |
Throwing a tantrum and smashing own stuff |
DDT |
Jake Roberts |
| Contemporaries/co-workers |
Dave Casper, Fred Biletnikoff, Art Shell |
Destro, Baroness, Zartan, Dr. Mindbender |
Damien the snake, Lucifer the snake |
Ken Stabler |
| Arch Enemies |
Pittsburgh Steelers, Denver Broncos, KC Chiefs |
G.I. Joe, Snake-Eyes, the US |
Honkytonk Man, Rick Rude, sobriety |
Cobra Commander |
| High point |
Superbowl XI |
Returning from the dead and sending his enemies into a volcano |
WrestleMania 3 |
Cobra Commander |
| Low point |
Playing for the New Orleans Saints; working for TNT |
Getting shot in the back by Fred VII |
Wrestling in North Platte, NB, then getting stoned |
Jake Roberts |
| TV exposure |
NFL telecasts, 70-'s-80's |
G.I. Joe cartoons, 80's -90's |
WCCW, WWF and Mid-South, 80's - 90's |
Ken Stabler |
| Helmet |
Silver and black Raider emblem |
Lined with plastic explosives |
none |
Cobra Commander |
| Merchandise |
Football cards, replica jerseys |
Cereal, action figures, lunchboxes |
Crappy action figures, inflatable Damien |
Jake Roberts (c'mon...an inflatable SNAKE!) |
| World Titles won |
Superbowl XI |
-none- |
WCCW six-man title with Gino Hernandez and Chris Adams |
Ken Stabler |
| Favorite hang-out |
local bar |
Springfield or Cobra Island |
local bar |
-push- |
| Methods of attack |
Passing, fumbling |
Commanding a HISS column |
Short-arm clothesline |
Cobra Commander |
| Famous family members |
-none- |
Billy (son) |
Rockin Robin (sister), Sam Houston (brother), Grizzly Smith (dad) |
Jake Roberts |
| Uniform |
Raiders' silver and black |
Neo-Nazi uniform, hood or steel helmet |
Nifty snake pants |
Jake Roberts |
| Other Jobs |
TNT host, personal appearance whore |
used-car salesman |
bible thumper |
-push- |
| Romantic Interests |
Raiderettes, Oakland bimbos |
-none- |
ringside fans |
Ken Stabler |
| Evil deeds |
Played for Raiders ('nuff said) |
Masterminded mindless sitcoms, took over small countires, brainwashed own son |
Tried to brain Miss Elizabeth with a steel chair |
Cobra Commander |
| Last seen... |
In beer commercial with Dan Fouts |
currently running Cobra in new "G.I. Joe" comic |
masturbating with his snake at "Heroes of Wrestling" |
Cobra Commander |
Final score: 7-4-5-2...here is YOUR winner: Cobra Commander. "Cobraaaaaa!" Not letting
any grudge fade away, a few days later, CC would then sic his loyal ninja assasain
Storm Shadow on his rivals. Jake was tracked to small hotel in Dubuque, where he was
easily disposed. After the Roberts assasination, all further
Cobra efforts were blocked by an organization even more sleazy, corrupt and
evil than Cobra... the Oakland Raiders. Knowing that there's some slime even THEY
won't brush shoulders with... Cobra backed off on the Stabler assasination and concentrated on
selling Terror Dromes to the Sierra Gordo goverment.
