COMICS-G.I. Joe : The Pyramid of Darnkess (Part 4 and 5)
Intro/What the Heck??!!
The short answer is: this page features the final two episodes of "The Pyramid of
Darkness". The long answer is: I watched these in one sitting and got so frickin'
confused that I couldn't remember what happened in which episode.. so I mushed it
together. Either way, consider this a Very Special Pyramid of Darnkess recap...for
the holidays or some shit.
Would you Please Shut The Hell Up and Get Things Started?!!
When last we left the GI Joe team, Alpine and Bazooka were fleeing Cobra and ended
up being accosted by
leopard seals while stranded on a floating iceberg! In between episodes, the seals have grown from the size of datsuns
to the size of walruses. I suspect the animators thought; "wait.. 3 foot seals
are not vicious. Let's pump 'em up!". Alpine and Bazooka's weapons have frozen, so they try
clubbing the varmints with their guns. Suddenly a Magical Set of numchuks comes flying from out
of nowhere. A bazooka smack doesn't hurt the seals, but a flying set of numchuks does...Alpine
and Bazook look up to see a Shirtless Guy with a Headband! The cavalry it ain't, but
this is a cartoon, for shit's sake! The Joes then rock the iceberg and the seals leave.
The Shirtless One then jumps down from a cliff and singlehandedly beats the crap out of the Cobra
troops. Storm Shadow included. Alpine and Bazook row back to shore and
meet the Shirtless One. He introduces himself as "Quick Kick", as if that was the name
he was born with. He's a movie stuntman who was in the area filming a commcercial
for "Frozen Fudgee Bars". Now, how a shirtless karate guy would be the
perfect pitchman for Fudgee Bars.... I would have liked to have seen the marketing
meetings for FudgeeCorp. ("How can we sell
frozen chocolate bars? I know, let's get some Korean dude to jump around at
the North Pole!") Quick Kick then does some shitty Humphrey Bogart and John Wyane
immitations (Drinking game: anytime Quick Kick does a shitty movie impression- DRINK).
All the excitement was in vain, as Major Bludd has succesfully activated the
control cube. Alpine, Bazooka and Quick Kick all manage to sneak underneath a
deluxe HISS tank and ride back to Corba HQ, inconspicuously.
You may remember that Roadblock happened to capture Crimson Guard Twin
Tomax, last episode. Roadblock brings him to the USS Flagg for interrogation, but
the baddie lets off a flash charge from his costume and tries to escape.
He leads Flint and Roadblock on a chase through the upper poles and
cables of the Flagg, until he's caught again. During this, we see Scarlett on
the deck of the USS Flagg..several times. But I thought she was
being held prisoners upon Space Station Delta??! Oops...
Anyhoo, all the physicallity has
allowed Tomax's twin brother, Xamot, to home in on his bro's location-
the Joes are near the Sea of the Dead, where Cobra will be planting the final control cube.
Xamot leads a small team to free his brother, but fears Cobra Commander will
activate the Pyramid of Darkness while he's away. The Pyramid's supposed to
render all mechanical devices useless, but Cobra Commander gives his word that
he will not screw Xamot.
Xamot sneaks aboard the Flagg with some Crimson Guardsmen. They free Tomax while
Destro and the Baronees activate the final cube in the Sea of the Dead. The Sea's sorta like the Bermuda Triangle,
with a buncha old ships and moss floating around. Flint and Lady Jaye lead a team of
Skystrikers and Dragonflys to attack Destro's group. Along the way, Lady Jaye
EJECTS from the Dragonfly HELICOPTER (DRINK!) and dives below the water
to fight Destro. Destro cackles: "meet my new Robotopuss!" Trust me, he was
serious. The umm, Robotopuss is another mechanical Dr. Octopus entrapment device.
Lady Jaye manages to shake it off and turn it back on Destro. Then, while underwater, Lady
Jaye is able to wind up and throw a javelin the cube, with all
the force of a torpedo. Shit, Randy Johnson wishes
he had an arm THAT strong! Destro activates the cube and the Pyramid is complete.
Gasp, Cobra's plan actually...worked. All mechanical devices soon short out.
Destro and the Baroness escape in a custom Cobra viking ship, while Flint and Lady Jaye
escape on the Falcon hangglider. All those other Skyrstikers and Dragonflys? Who cares..
as we're only shown Flint and Lady Jaye making it back to the Flagg. Holy Shit...
did some of those guys DIE??
Tomax and Xamot are a little ticked that Cobra Commander activated the Pyramid before they
were out. However, the Twins had a contingency plan. They fire a flare into the sky, alerting
their employees on GI Joe Space Sation Delta- the Dreadnoks. The Dreadnoks
steal Zartan's Magic Whistle, turn on their boss and take over the station.
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| "hey Kermit, man...we're here to jam!"
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| Snake-Eyes will tumble 4 ya
|
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| ..and so will Timber!
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| "Face! Murdock! Hit the switch!"
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| "Norman...Hell-ewww!"
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| "bowels...too tight...can't..
talk!"
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Before we forget, let's check in with Shipwreck, Snake-Eyes, Timber and Polly!
Satin the nightclub singer is driving them out of Cobra territory in her
custom van. A Cobra checkpoint hinders their escape and tries to search the
vehicle. Shipwreck then comes out, dressed like Monty Hall (or Dr. Teeth from
the Muppets),
playing a saxophone. Timber follows, with shades and vest... dancing. Polly flies out,
in a beret. Then... Snake-Eyes saunters out of the van, dressed like Boy George.
Yes...THAT Boy George. Karma-Karma-Karma-Karma Chameleon. As if the cartoon hadn't screwed
with Snake-Eyes' bad-ass image enough. Regardless, it IS kinda humorous...
the group sings, dances and then clocks the Cobras. They hop back in the van and ride
off. The Cobras fire at them and force them into a brickwall. But, Satin
has apparently gone to the B.A. Barracus/A-Team School of Van Customization- she
flicks a switch and an armor-plated battering ram emerges from the front of the van.
Satin then dumps our boys and mentions that she has a score to settle with
Cobra- they framed her dad several years ago. And Heck Hath No Fury like
a slutty nightclub singer!
We're finally shown GI Joe HQ, for the first time in awhile. I got the sense that
about three days have passed since it was blown apart in episode one...but it's
already been rebuilt! We see Gung-Ho, Ace, Tripwire, Barbeque, Spirit, Cover Girl, and, holy shit,
that's Stalker! And he's talking! (Drinking Game: Damn...almost worth a chug.
I'll leave this one to your discretion). Suddenly,
Shipwreck, Snake-Eyes, Timber and Polly all arrive on cows. They
have the Pyramid's diagnostics on "LaserDisc" but are unable to
read it, due to the power outage caused by the Pyramid. I guess Cobra
was in on the short-lived LaserDisc fad of the 80's.
Cobra Commander comes on the TV
screen delivering his ultimatum to the world. The Joes, and Gung-Ho in particular
start bitching. Wild Bill, amazingly enough, does NOT mutter "yeeee-hoo".
Somwhere in here, Alpine, Bazooka and Quick Kick have made it to the Cobra Temple.
They hop off the HISS and commandeer one of those giant Cobra-jaw airplanes.
Quick Kick takes the controls as the plane takes off. You could bitch that
Quick Kick is flying the plane just a little too easily... but
it is entirely possible that a stunt man might know how to fly a plane.
However, the Joes forgot to check the cargo section and they're
confronted by three Cobra troopers. Alpine and Quick Kick tangle with their attackers,
but Bazooka is apparently the biggest wuss in the history of the GI Joe Cartoon-
he's easily overtaken by a Cobra flunky. Cobra flunkies, who have been consistently
been getting knocked out by nightclub singers, slave girls, newsmen and
animals... but Bazooka had the misfortune to run into the Toughest
Cobra Flunky in the World. The Flunky pushes Bazooka into the controls
and the plane takes a nosedive, heading for a mountain. The g-forces
pin Alpine and Quick Kick to the fuselage. Now, I've never been in an
out of control, diving airplane, or pinned by gravitational forces... but
I always find it funny to hear a character say "g-forces...pinning us.... to...wall..
can't...ugh...move". I guess the force also affects
your jaw and vocal cords, making you sound constipated. Anyways, this is
our CLIFFHANGER ENDING!!
We come back for episode 5 and Bazooka is able to overtake his attacker and right the controls.
The fun's not over, as a Cobra chopper
emerges to attack our boys. The plane is hit, but the Joes bail out in Cobra
Flight Pods/Trouble Bubbles. They fly to the helicopter and take it over.
Fortunately, the Cobras all had parachutes and were able to safely
escape (Drinking game: DRINK TWO).
Back on Space Station Delta, the Dreadnoks have placed
Zartan into captivity. Thanks to Torch's informative speech, Mutt
finds out about the special whistle used to command the "Fatal Fluffies".
Junkyard hears this and understands everything, too! (Drinking game: animal
understand English. DRINK). Junkyard attacks Torch, steals the whistle
and let's play some Happy Music, cuz the Joes are back in control!
Mutt blows the whistle and the Fluffies revert to their tiny cuddly state.
The other Joes quickly overtake the Dreadnoks and free Duke. The Pyramid of Darkness
is then rendered inactive and more Happy Music plays.
However, Destro is ordered to re-establish the Pyramid and does so.
It looks like he flies to Mt. Everest and it able to link up the
Pyramid, again. The Pyramid skirts in and out
for the next several minutes, allowing
some mechanical devices to function. Back in the Sea of the Dead,
Flint and Admiral Ledger equip the USS Flagg with sails and
are able to return home. Halfway across the world, Quick Kick, Alpine
and Bazooka crash-land into Joe HQ. During the power surges,
the Joes are able to read the LaserDisc and discover that the Pyramid has
a special self-destruct button, located in Cobra Temple. That's the nicest thing
any cartoon or movie villain can do...always include that handy
self-destruct button in your giant ray-gun, robot, space station or
wonder tank. Quick Kick is happy to announce that they know where
Cobra Temple is. The team rapidly departs to attack.
Destro's new Pyramid is still flashing in and out, so the Joes
are able to mount an armored attack on the Cobra temple. Tomax and Xamot have
made it back to Cobra's stronghold and stage a surprise coup on Cobra Commander.
The Joes look to be routing the Cobra flunkies, until Tomax and Xamot
send out the "Cobra Dragon". It's a giant heat-ray that saps everyone's
strength. The Joes quickly fall succumb, but Alpine, Quick Kick and Bazooka
are apparently the Biggest Wusses on the Team- they've been hiding under
a jeep the entire team, avoiding the ray. They switch on a loudspeaker atop a
VAMP mark II and start yodelling. The final "ooooooh, yeahhhhh!"
causes a boulder to fall and smash the Cobra Dragon. Alpine's
sorta like the Kool-Aid Man with that "oooooooh, yeahhhh" gig.
Cobra Commander has a hissy and smashes a control consoles (Drinking Game: Anytime
Cobra Commander smashes something out of frustration: drink!)
The Joes recover, storm the temple and hit the self-destruct button. Around the
world, all the cubes disintigrate and the Joes celebrate.... but we've still got
a few minutes left in
the show!
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| "They never give up..they're always
there... hiding under vehicles everywhere!"
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| The Dreadnoks show their affection for Mr. Z
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Cobra Commander and the Crimson Twins escape in a Rattler and head for
the Extensive Enterprise Towers. The towers fall away, revealing a
giant rocketship and a launch gantry. Flint calls up Duke on the
Space Station, telling him that they simply can't let that
rocket reach orbit. We're not told WHY that would be a bad thing, or
even what Cobra plans to do with this rocket...but it
can't reach orbit!!
Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes make it to the gantry, where a welcoming
elevator is waiting for them, with Satin inside. Satin leads the guys up
to the rocket where they beat the crap out of Cobra Commander and the Twins.
However, the rocket launches. Shipwreck, Snake-Eyes and Satin bail out
in Flight Pods, while the baddies escape in a conveinent escape pod.
Duke cues up the Space Station and zaps the rocket. We also
see where the Dreadnoks free Zartan and escape from Delta. Zartan forgives his flunkies
and mentions that he'll need stooges when he takes over the world. To which Torch replies:
"we love being your stooges, Zartan". All four guys share in a group hug.
Everybody's happy and the good guys all shout "Yo Joe" and fly off into
the sunset.
We see Destro, the Baroness, the Crimson Twins and Cobra Commander, all
escaping on a subway in disguise. Cobra Commander's a bag lady,
the Twins are in their business suits,
Baroness is a nurse (yummm!) and Destro looks like
a member of the Village People. My mistake, I guess he's
supposed to be a construction worker. The baddies gripe as the story ends.
My tape cuts out, too...and cuts to a Whitesnake video- "Give me all your love, tonight"
Apparently, this tune was BIG NEWS in 1988, cuz' it even has MTV's "EXCLUSIVE"
graphic on it! It was such an exclusive video, that I've never had the urge to watch it in
the last 14 years.
Overview/Dumb Comments
Well, the biggest problem in these episodes was geography.
The Joes are able to traverse the globe just a little too quickly.
Same for Cobra. In one minute, they're in their temple, the next they're
back in Enterprise City. Destro is in the "Sea of the Dead", the next he's
up on Mt. Everest. Quick Kick, Alpine and Bazooka take a quick ride from the
"Mountain of Glass" to Cobra Temple. Flint and Admiral
Ledger quickly sail the USS Flagg from the "Sea" in time to make
the final attack scenes. At the end, all the Cobras make it back
to Enterprise City's subway. Nevermind that CC and the Twins ejected somewhere in
outer space, while Destro and the Baroness were several continents away.
Luckily, GI Joe HQ, the Cobra Temple, Enterprise City and even OUTER SPACE
are all within blocks of each other.
Another peculiar thingie: The Joes trail Cobra to the Extensive Enterprises Towers...
so you'd think they'd know: "golly, Extensive Enterprises is connected to Cobra".
Throughout the season, this information would come and go at the writer's leisure.
In episodes like "The Viper is Coming" and "The Traitor", the Joes seem ignorant of
the Cobra connection. But in others, like "Red Rocket's Glare", they knew about the connection.
You could make the case that the Pyramid of Darkness
happened at the END of the first season... but the Joes first "met" the Crimson Twins
and Quick Kick in the Pyramid episodes. Plus, the Towers collapse in this story. D'oh!.. stupid contiuity...be more continuity-ish!
Quick Kick's introduction works for the cartoon. He's one of the few characters who
had a better personality in the cartoon than in the comic. He's somewhat humorous
and unique. In the comics, he was just a guy forced in there by Hasbro.
(Rumor is that longtime Joe comic writer Larry Hama hated the guy. He was
sent to a gulag for months and was one of the first Joes to die in the
Trucial Abysmia war. He had maybe ten lines of dialogue during his
60-some issues in the comic).
He still remains a controversial
character, though. Comic fans absolutely abhor the way he was continually allowed to
rack ass on Storm Shadow. He kinda stole the spotlight from Snake-Eyes on the cartoon.
I was wishy-washy on the character, myself. His stupid jokes and clownish antics
were memorable...but also remember that I saw "Pyramid" before the regular daily
cartoons. For the past four years I had been waiting for a daily cartoon, so
I could see some of Snake-Eyes' patented cool shit on my TV. After one week, I started to
sour on the show as Snake-Eyes did doodly squat and became a little bit
disappointed. I still liked the cartoon...but this
was probably a major reason why I never loved it or took it seriously.
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| Enemy Weapons Supplier, and
Village People Costume Consultant!
|
Overall, this series may rank as the worst of the annual five-parters. My favorite still remains
the 1983 "MASS Device", simply cuz it seemed alot more "Marvel" than "Hasbro" and was
a little on the dark and mysterious side (plus,
Snake-Eyes was handled pretty well). This series just screams "Hasbro".
Nothing too scary or vicious and the story appears to fall apart in the last two episodes.
The first episode started with promise, but things went downhill from there.
Okay, so hope you had some fun and a few chuckles re-living 1985's "Pyramid of Darkness".
You could have spent your eight minutes reading one of the other 32 million
crappy websites on the Internet...but you chose this one, and I thank ya for that.
I don't belive this series is part of the batch curently being shown on Cartoon Network.
Your best bet for tracking it down is via the trading circuit (or, I could make ya a copy..)
Back to PART THREE
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