Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #9
"Full Throttle"
Writer:Marc Guggenheim
Artists: Andy Kuhn & Ron Adrian
Usually, Tales of the Bargain Bin contains old crap that you can find for cheap. But this time out, I found something that should, by all rights, not be sold for more than a quarter. The latest issue of "Flash".
It's been about 15 since I've checked in on Flash. In that time, he's been babblng about the "Speed Force" and countless identity changes. For shits n' grins, I picked up the newly relaunched "Flash" series when it came out after the crapfest known as
"Infinite CRISIS". So far, the series has proved that crap shall begat more crap. I'm up to issue 9 now and I'm still waiting for something interesting to happen. "The role of Flash is now played by Bart Allen"...for all three of you who care.
This issue starts out fine, though. Flash fights a new villain from Luthor's "Everymen" (was this a 52 plot?) and finds an Apokolips....thingie... under the street. His girlfriend also dumps him and he sits through some training classes at the police academy (minus Mahoney, but identical to a 7th grade math class). Then things hop in the pooper.
Steppenwolf arrives to steal back the thingie and has a big fight with Flash. Flash, being the fastest man to EVER live (his new moniker) decides to play "rope-a-dope". So he just stands there and takes a pounding. Huh? Flash tries make an electrical vortex and still can't put down Steppy. Steppy knocks him through about three buildings... remember this.
Suddenly, the JLA arrives in the form of Speedy, Green Lantern and Black Canary. NO mention of how or why they're in the area. Speedy shoots a cable arrow to tie up Steppy and Green Lantern puts him in a bubble. Black Canary.... stands around. The cable arrow and the bubble are enough to put Steppenwolf away. A guy who just tossed Flash through three buildings and tore up some serious amounts of shit. ...is taken out by an arrow and a bubble.
Flash is overwhelmed by the JLA appearance and says to himself "wow, they're like GODS". He feels inadequate, calls up Robin and decides to not re-join the Titans. So the ending was basically another JLA blow-job. I could maybe understand the awe for GL...but c'mon, Speedy and Black Canary?! Pure crap.
What's worse is that this comic is identical to the Super Powers Mini Comics of 1984. The kind that came packaged with the toys. In fact, I'd bet that the Writer of this rag got his plot idea from playing with his Super Powers Flash and Steppenwolf toys...yesterday, at about age 34. It's a good thing he's not writing "Wonder Woman". He probably did some naughty things with his Wonder Woman figure and was dying to pen an Amazonian bondage story.
This story has the same plot as the mini-comics-- hero runs around and fights bad guy, then bad guy gets caught by TEAMWORK at the end of the story. That might be good for a toy promo in 1984...but it's not worth paying 2.99 in 2007.
Look, I've never been shy about my love for 80's comics. But they're fun because I get 'em for a buck or less. I expect something different and worth my money from modern comics. A crappy recreation of said 80's comics is not worth it. Same thing was done in the recent issue of "Detective Comics", where Batman fought Dr. Phosphorous. The same cheese from the 80's should NOT be treated as "hallowed ground" or taken seriously. DC doesn't understand that, so they churn out this shit. I reviewed some Super Powers mini-comics on this site, but I wasn't thinking: "gee, wouldn't it be swell if DC put out stuff like this more often?!"
The challenge is to take that 80's cheese and make it relevant. DC's current crop of writers can't do that. Don't reguritate the cheese. It's not good for your health.
Summary: A Super Powers Mini-Comic. In 2007.
Cover price:2.99
Rating: .25
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