Fantastic Four : the Movie (1990) - part TWO
The Fanastic Four Movie you DIDN'T see last weekend.
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Sorry about the delay, everyone. But I guess I chose a timely moment to
return, as Fantastimania has run wild this past weekend in movie theaters. With
that, I continue my return to Marvel's First Family's roots in cinema, as I
will finish my recap of the never-released Roger Corman rendition of the
Fantastic Four.
- Now when we last left our heroes, they had just survived their capture by
Doctor Doom...but Ben Grimm stormed out of the Baxter Building as it sunk in
that he now looked like the result of a Ninja Turtle and a granola bar's night
of carnal knowledge. Back at F4 headquarters, Sue tries to introduce Halloween
costume-quality renditions of those familiar blue and white spandex
jumpsuits. Johnny just thinks the idea is stupid, while Reed could care less. By the
way, Sue, putting the "4" near your midsection defeats the entire purpose of
logoed female superhero costumes. To quote a recurring Match Game question:
"This t-shirt craze has gotten out of control. Yesterday I saw a girl with a
bookie shop across her chest. Those were the biggest BLANKS I ever saw!" (in
this case, the definitve answer would be "numbers," of course)
- Meanwhile, the lonely Thing is propositioned by the Jeweler's homeless
troupe, led here by a guy resembling Robert Troll from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
of Make Believe. Despite only growling and barely paying attention, Ben ends
up following them back, where the Jeweler and company are giving Alicia
grief. In response, Alicia gives a quickie version of the "blind people aren't
outcasts!" speech and generally yells and grimaces as much as her beau.
- The sight of the Jeweler's men practically worshipping the Thing, replete
with sweatpants, again reminds me of imaginary scenarios involving our
mysterious friend referred to in Part I (and if you haven't read that yet...why
not???? Click here to see what you missed out on!) Little do the bums and
their new "god" know, they're about to have more company, as...
- Doctor Doom discusses his plans to take a "day trip" (what's with you and
all the vacation analogies, Victor?!!?) via monitor hookup with one of his
scientists. It also looks like he's trying to play a game of "grab the image on
the TV set with your thumb and forefinger" while doing so. (Editor's Note:
kinda' like the Kids In the Hall "I am squishing your head" skit)
- Back with the heroes (of which Sue is still the only one wearing the stupid
costume!). Surprisingly, Johnny is able to express a thought calmly when he
mentions that only Reed could have known about Colossus...then he can't help
but stick a head bob in when he comes up with the thought that Victor knew too!
- Now for our supervillain showdown between Team Doom and the Homeless
Brigade. The one-sided battle is pretty much just Doom flexing and his snipers
shooting at the Jeweler's men, who sell by falling down high ledges. The
saddest death of all, however, was when Robert Troll tries to fight off the Doctor
himself by growling and clawing like the Cowardly Lion, only to get shot by
Doom's pistol. Such heroic nonsense...
- Another good moment has Doom not caring if the Jeweler shoots Alicia
should he advance. He even encourages it...until THAT is enough to snap the Thing
out of it. Doom persuades Jeweler to let Alicia go, only to take her
captive himself (and to take over as sole villain, as this is what ends up being
the last we see of the Jeweler), causing Ben to shout "It's Clobberin' Time"
for about the 254th time; here, he sounds rather like the Big Show. But
what's this? Alicia begs him not to provoke Doom, and furthermore professes her
love. Which is enough to allow Ben to change back to human form via very
crude morphing effects. So all those destructive fights with the Hulk and the
like, and all anyone had to do to defeat the Thing was to tell them that they
love him? Granted, most super heroes have their machismo to uphold, but what
do you want people to see...your feminine side or your ass getting kicked?
- Yet the above query is soon moot, as just seconds after making this
startling transformation, and escaping Doom's henchmen, Ben screams in anger and
instantly turns back into the Thing (no morphing here, just flashing between
images of Ben and Thing, ending with the dreaded spinning camera). No side story
with Ben getting back his humanity, nothing. It just ends as fast as it began.
Did Corman feel cocky about the money his movie would make, and just for
kicks wanted the Hulk to sue him?!!?
- Having taken Alicia hostage (despite her...basically acting like someone
with lockjaw trying to bite another person), Doom now torments the three other
Fan 4 members via another monitor. Why did everyone have those 10 years
ago...heck, 30 years ago if you count the Superfriends? Yet all I have now is
a lousy video chat that only works on my computer when the stars reach a
certain alignment??? Anyhow, Doom practically does a hand puppet show,
culminating in him drawing a "12" in the air with his finger to signify the number of
hours Reed et al have to stop him before he uses his laser to destroy New
York, which he provides a helpful example of on-screen. I almost expected him
to reappear and explain, "Actually that was just a scene from the movie
'Independence Day'...the real [air quotes] 'laser' will be much worse."
- Fortunately, the Thing returns and the Four are happily reunited...complete
with the "Love Theme from Fantastic Four" playing in the background. There
was actually a Reed/Ben-like moment here when Thing is ready to get back at
Doom, to which Reed gives a "Now hold on..." response to explain the situation.
In here, Reed and Sue profess their love...and Johnny jumps in the middle of
them, "securing" his place on the team. We do get the famous "hand-on-hand"
circle image too, though.
- So back to the (air quotes) "laser"...and Johnny just wanders away as the
rest of the team are banding together. They all nonetheless get trapped in
force fields while Doom taunts them, making hand gestures that could lead to
politically incorrect jokes. He also says of his mask, "Look at it! See
it!" You forgot, "Gaze upon it! View it!" And how about "stare at it! Watch
it!" Anyway, cut to the chase...Doom wants the F4's powers for himself,
and has a transferring device for the purpose. He gets away with turning it
on, causing...1) Sue to basically make like she's having an orgasm, 2) Johnny
to make Popeye faces, and 3) Reed...to do absolutely nothing. Fortunately he
gets a foot under the force field and is able to use his powers to kick over
the diamond and break the trap. For approximately the 7,500th time, "It's
Clobberin' Time." Oh, but this time, it's "for real!" Oh IT'S ON now, as
Thing throws jabs left and right, Reed and his animated limbs make like Dhalsim
from Street Fighter II, and Sue uses invisible hijinks to incapacitate the
henchmen.
- So Doom is left, and he has gone ahead and activated the (air quotes)
"laser." How will our heroes ever save the city????? Wait for it...FLAME ON! And
Johnny reveals his super secret trick...which is to turn into a cartoon Human
Torch, chase, and then stop the (air quotes) "laser"! Seriously, this is
considered perhaps the most infamous scene from this movie. Yet not quite as bad
as the obviously-CGI, shadowed Nightwing that leapt from car to car in the
fan movie "Nightwing: A Night at Bludhaven."
- And now, while this goes on, it's Reed and Doom, one on one. Doom tried to
draw first blood by unsheathing claws on the fingers of his glove. Hide your
tuna, it's Whiskers Von Doom! Unfortunately, Doom isn't as quick as a cat as
well, and falls victim to a series of more Dhalsim punches from Reed, the
last of which is delivered "for being a real jerk" and sends him over the ledge.
Mr. Fantastic, NOT being a real jerk, grabs Victor by the hand to save him,
only to be taunted more for not landing the killing blow. But that happens
unintentionally when Doom's glove comes loose and he plummets...laughing. The
rest of the team comes and he leaves the glove...which MOVES on its own in an
attempt to be foreboding. Cliched AND nonsensical!
- Oh yeah, we have a Torch vs. (air quotes) "laser" fight to complete.
Despite taking a cheesy looking tumble, the Human Cartoon successfully turns the
beam into various special effects. And from there, we are on our way to living
happily ever after, complete with...
- A wedding! Reed and Sue tie the knot (with all the guys in their costumes!
And the Thing is still topless! And the LTfF4 in the background, of course)
Mr. F uses his hand-on-a-stick...I mean, his powers, to wave goodbye to us
all from the limo's window.
END THOUGHTS: Well, this rendition of the F4 certainly delivered...since I
was expecting something cheesy and even quite bad at times. If you're worried
about F4 2005 getting any subpar reviews, track this down and watch it, then
you'll be glad you have Jessica Alba and all. For me, though, it was fun
watching this and picking it apart, I'll say that much. I will actually
recommend finding this movie so you can do the same.
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