Guess a formal introduction is in order…my name’s James Fabiano, a part-time reference librarian from New Jersey who, like eStragand, moonlights as a fanatic for classic wrestling and comic related stuff, among other things (also including Britcoms and game shows). I’ve always enjoyed eStragand’s site, and am happy to be making my own, long-awaited contribution. For this, I knew I had to come up with something truly special. So…
Well, as we all know, we’re months away until the Fantastic Four makes their “official” big-screen debut, already having starred in several animated series over the last few decades that have featured things like a disco theme song in the *’90s*, no less; an annoying robot meant to fill the gap of the Human Torch; and the Thing teaming up with the Flintstones. So…what’s that? “Why ‘official,’” you ask? Well, while to some this might look like the First Family of Marvel finally joining the ranks of Spider-Man, the X-Men, and Daredevil (OK…I should’ve stopped with just the Big Two…), some of us know better. For you see, a tick over 10 years ago, there actually was an attempt at a Fantastic Four movie, brought to us by the infamous Roger Corman. All that most of the public saw of it was a trailer at the beginning of some video release I forget the name of at the time. And those who DID find bootlegs of the actual movie can tell you why. As I did, and as I will.
Anyhow, as per the usual for my work, I will essentially make a list of moments and things throughout the movie that I found notable. Before I do that, however, a brief synopsis of what we’re getting into (courtesy of MysticalMovieGuide.com)...
Every ten years, a mysterious comet-like energy called Colossus passes in its orbit close to the Earth. At a New York university, a bright young man named Reed Richards is working with his friend Victor von Doom. Together they hope to tap into the power of Colossus as an energy source for the future...Colossus sends down a bolt of energy which explodes the lab and electrocutes Victor. Reed's burly friend Ben rushes in to help, but it is too late, and at the hospital a strange doctor declares Victor is dead.
Ten years later, Colossus is again nearing Earth. This time, Reed is older and wiser to repeat the experiment. A mysterious benefactor has funded the building of a rocket plane to fly closer to Colossus...Ben will pilot the plane, and together they revisit their friends Johnny and Sue...
Unknown to the team, there is an eccentric dwarf named the Jeweler, an underground ruler of the city's misfits, who knew about delivery of the special diamond and who has exchanged it with a counterfeit. When the four blast off to meet Colossus, the energy surge explodes the fake diamond and the plane. Miraculously, the team survives the fall to Earth, and they're further horrified to discover Colossus has given them each strange new powers... The group is met by a military unit and taken to a castle for study, but their host turns out to be an evil mad caped man with a steel mask named Dr. Doom.
The group escapes Dr. Doom by using their powers, and back in New York they make several realizations...Everyone is learning to control their abilities except Ben, who runs into the night, depressed to be a monster.
...the lovelorn Jeweler has abducted a pretty girl whom Ben had a crush on before his transformation. The girl is blind so she does not see Ben's monstrous form, but she recognizes his voice and calls to him for rescue. Ben is touched and temporarily changes back to human form....He yells "its clobberin' time" and rescues the girl. Ben then rejoins his friends, and as a team with a mission they now track Dr. Doom...
And now I will see what this track has to offer, shall I?
First we get the aforementioned trailer, which makes use of film clips and graphics right out of a local access program, or a porno movie. Well my friends tell me that most porno starts like that, OK????
Opening credits…odd, there is no credit to Marvel at all.
We start in a college lecture hall with a younger Reed, Victor, and Ben, though it’d take me a while more to figure out that the future Thing was indeed part of that group. More on that later. Big ‘80s markout moment, as the professor giving the lecture turns out to be Henry Warnamount from Punky Brewster!
In the Storm household, young Johnny seems to be playing a combination of a Vectrex and an animated short from the golden age of Sesame Street. Even creepier, however, is when Reed first meets (and falls in love with) young Sue, who can’t be more than 13.
The cosmic phenomenon Reed and Victor are so interested in harnessing is called “Colossus,” and you hear this name mentioned a lot in the movie as such. Whenever they do, I half expect a flat-topped metallic Russian to appear and start saying, “Da, tovarisch, your movie is – how you say – the suck!”
At any rate, when they first encounter “Colossus,” the lab seems to turn into a Gumby short, with a stop-motion iris that opens atop the roof, and cartoony lightning striking the machine.
After the accident, Victor is declared dead by a bearded doctor of some unnamed foreign descent. But…SWERVE~! It turns out that he is one of Doom’s loyal followers, and he has something up his sleeve. I wonder if it’ll have something to do with the coming of a certain super villain??? And my Marvel canon knowledge is a bit rusty…did Victor rule Latveria before he “officially” became Doctor Doom?
Flash forward in time, when we meet the soon-to-be Fantastic Four at their proper ages. Now that we get to know them better, my first reaction is…Ben looks and sounds really effeminate. Not the ever-loving, blue-eyed Thing-to-be I’d have in mind. Moreso when him and Reed show up at the Storms’ front door, and Ben asks, “Hi, Mrs. Storm, can Johnny and Sue go to outer space with us?” in his best pedophile voice. Combined with Reed’s own pre-teen tendencies earlier on, those are some kinky tastes our heroes have, also considering that Sue will have a fling with the Sub-Mariner, and Johnny will marry a Skrull.
And don’t even get me started on Reed and Ben just pulling people with no experience in space navigation and taking them along like this was a daytrip to the zoo or something.
Cut to the Baxter Building, filmed as if someone was standing only three feet from it. Speaking of limited, I must mention that the film has ONE song used whenever a scene of any kind of emotional feeling comes about. I swear, you hear it once in every two scenes or something. And speaking of limited (attention span), Jay Underwood seems to have a chronic head-bobbing problem.
We meet the Jeweller, and for 1/4th-1/2th of the movie I wondered if I was seeing some bastardization of Mole Man in this sewer-dwelling, English-accented outcast who looks like he was rejected for the movie Leprechaun.
And speaking of kooky criminals, next come Doctor Doom’s henchmen, who with their shades, black suits, and third-world accents, came to be known to me as the “Immigrants in Black.” Their approach is also heralded by a blatant ripoff of the Jawa theme from Star Wars.
he ship that will transport our would-be heroes is triangular and thus reminded me of the Cybertronian forms of the Decepticon seekers, which understandably didn’t look like jets until coming to Earth. Kind of like how on Cybertron, Soundwave was a LAMPPOST OF DOOM instead of a tape player.
And yet, despite its futuristic appearance, Starship Richards has all the comforts of Earth…most notably, a TURN SIGNAL. As if asteroid belts cared if you had the right away or not.
The bombardment of cosmic rays is more akin to an out-of-body experience, with white light, kaleidoscope effects, and heavenly music. This is also Jay at his most sedate, as Johnny basically sells the moment as if he was stoned. Sue, on the other hand, looks like she’s about to pass a kidney stone.
Doom’s throne room looks animated, harking back to the ‘70s live-action “Shazam!” series…you know, the one with goofy teenage Billy Batson, his mentor named…”Mentor,” and of course the Shazammabago (basically, a mobile home that has a big card with a lightning bolt stuck on the front). When looking for that extra edge for crime fighting, Billy would converse in a cartoon cave with equally ink-and-paint versions of the Elders.
And again, Jay proves that he’s forgotten his Ritalin, as he sells the intensity of what has just happened by yelling a lot and having continuous over-the-top nervous tics. He even hears voices in his head when his hand flames on for the first time.
Reed discovers his stretching powers for the first time, too, but it kind of looks like an inflated glove at the end of a gimmicked pole.
Alicia Masters, while pondering the fate of Starship Richards and her new beau Ben, is visited by a Jewish delivery boy with Devon “Crowbar” Storm’s hair and beard, and a winged hat like that of Jay Garrick, the original Flash. Remember, only nerdy delivery boys imitate DC characters! Buy Marvel Comics instead!!!
Alicia’s house has RAFTERS?!!?
And to show what a champion of the disenfranchised the Jeweler is, it is revealed that he is basically the commander of a gang of hobos and homeless people.
Finally, Thing gains some semblance of toughness, though it takes a slowed-down voice track and (obviously) new appearance, albeit one that looks like the result of conception between the Thing and one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (movie versions)…we’ll say Donatello, as that was Corey Feldman, who Roger Corman is also familiar with from schlocky sequel “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.” Now THAT’S another one I should dig up for critiquing. Back to the Thing…actually, he also reminds me of a certain friend of ours who will remain nameless in this column, appearing out of nowhere asking, “Hey, what’s going on?”
Hilarity ensues as each of the Fan 4 is examined by Dr. Hawkman. Because only wimpy doctors are the namesakes of DC…never mind! And yes, I realize that the delivery boy in the previous scene was probably wearing that cap as a tribute to Thor, who is most definitely a Marvel super hero. But what do you want…the facts or halfway decent jokes???? In any event…ANOTHER SHOCKING SWERVE~! Hawkman too works for Doom! (Though, after seeing how he fondles the doctor, I feel uncomfortable about speculating further on that working arrangement)
As the Fan 4 stays overnight after their examination, Johnny amuses himself by playing some obscure card game that involves throwing the playing cards at the table top. We’ll never know if he had the upper hand in this unique contest, though, as it’s time for a PLAN OF ESCAPE~! which is kicked off by our heroes luring the guards close enough for them to turn the tables on them and fool the bad guys by taking their places! I tell you, Roger had no shortage of fresh new ideas. The guards are incapacitated when Thing lays waste to them. How do we know he did so? Because the camera spins, Hanna-Barbera style, while sounds of punching can be heard! Speaking of H-B, said effect for me brings to mind first the opening sequence of early adult-oriented cartoon “Wait Till Your Father Gets Home,” the “was it rape or not?” part where plus-sized Alice goes out for a date, then returns with a torn shirt. Come to think of it, it was kind of like Adult Swim-before-Adult Swim back in ’96, when Cartoon Network showed this program Sunday nights, I think in the 11 pm hour that now opens AS! (Think it was paired with something like Capitol Critters, one of many early ‘90s adult cartoons that were riding on the Follow-The-Simpsons wave).
After doing his dirty work, there is actually a rather amusing, Ben Grimm-like scene when Thing places the unconscious guards at the poker table and pretends to be having a game with them. But he soon joins the rest of the Four by just walking through the door, conjuring up another scenario starring my mystery friend.
Exploring in what turns out to be Doom’s castle, Reed and company fawn over an atom splitter, which would be understandable if the lighting weren’t such that we could only barely make out what they were looking at! Enough of that nitpicking, though, as the Fan 4 have their first face-to-face with Doom himself! What begins this epic exchange? Basically Doom giving a vacation salespitch of his humble abode, while otherwise communicating in Power Ranger-like hand gestures and dramatic pauses (sample quote: “Keep your……… cool!”) Fortunately, for those who aren’t interested about the sights and sounds of fun-filled Latveria, violence soon breaks out between the heroes and Doom’s henchmen. Thing, who might have said “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” ™ for the second time in five minutes (and really, you shouldn’t overdo a catchphrase), again does his share of damage, making sure to flex and mug for the camera while doing so.
Mr. Fantastic, on the other hand, uses a bit more cunning, waiting around the corner to trip henchmen with his elongated, cheesy special-affected foot. Anyway, the Four’s escape proves successful, and Thing tops it off by giving “prison break” a new yet clichéd meaning by busting through the wall like Kool-Aid Man, again giving me ideas about Unnamed Friend…especially with Thing going about with nothing but sweatpants.
We transition to the next scene with a “4” graphic that zooms up into the camera, which reminds me of old promos from what is now New York’s Fox station, WNYW-5 (then, WNEW-5, owned by Metromedia Television), where a zooming “5” would provide breaks between various pleasant scenes of the city while upbeat singers told us that “The choice is FIVE!” You can see this for yourself, by the way, here: http://www.tv-ark.org.uk/international/us_fox_wnyw.html
Anyhow, back home, Reed has deduced that each member of the Four’s respective transformations are actually outer manifestations of their personalities; he became Mr. Fantastic because he “tries to do too much and stretch himself too thin”; Sue became the Invisible Woman because she is often shy and wishes she could just disappear when she doesn’t know what to say; Ben/Thing is aggressive; and Johnny/Human Torch is hotheaded. So impressed with this theory, Johnny exclaims, “Holy Freud, Batman!” Deleted scene: Reed performs neurosurgery on Johnny to erase any knowledge of this “Batman,” as there ARE NO OTHER SUPER HEROES BESIDES THE ONES ENDORSED BY STAN LEE. The sad thing is, this Reed would probably think of this before trying to help Johnny with his more obvious hyperactivity problem.
It is here that we also get the inevitable “freak angst” experienced by Thing, after Reed and Sue say that Ben must be upset not looking human, and then Ben…says the exact same thing before storming off to the streets, where he is told off by a restaurant maintenance employee and rejected by girls, all the while the camera spins and goes slow-mo to hammer the point home. In other news, a Mr. Banner released the following statement: “Hulk smash copyright infringing rocky man!”
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