Fantastic Four #311 (1988)
"I Want to Die!"
Writer:Steve Englehart
Artists: Joe Sinnott & Keith Pollard
One of the nice things about being snowed-in for three weeks: I get to fart around the
ES Complex and do important stuff. Or, I can just waste time by bouncing into the ES Comic Vaults
and picking out the first comic from a random long-box.
In a weird twist of fate, I picked up this issue of the Fantastic Four from 1988, which
trumpets the "Re-introduction" of the Black Panther. Weird for the sole reason that the
last comic article I typed up was the DVD of "Ultimate Avengers 2", which also featured
the Black Panther. Guess this means I should continue on the unexpected Panther theme... so look
for a TWO line review of a Black Panther action figure next week. Maybe.
"Re-introduction" of the Panther seems weird, but if I remember correctly, in 1988,
Panther had been incognito for a few years. Around 1984, it was rumored that he was due to have his
own mini-series, but it kept getting postponed. Whether it was a jumpstart or not, Marvel decided
to bring him back in the magazine that he debutted in-- "Fantastic Four".
But the Panther's appearance isn't much more than a cameo. The gist of the story is centered
on the newly mutated Thing and Ms. Marvel (the second Ms. Marvel--
a redheaded wrestler with a crappy costume). This was the
"New Fantastic Four" era, when the team consisted of
the Thing, Ms. Marvel, the Human Torch and Crystal. After a flight into space to combat the EVIL
Arabain stereotype of the supervillain Fasaud, Thing and Ms. Marvel accidentally flew through some
more Cosmic Rays. The same type o' Rays that had orginally transformed the
Fantastic Four back in the 60's. The Thing's mutation increased, as he ended up looking
like an anklyosaur by growing spikes and a weird set of cheeks. Ms. Marvel mutated
into an early female version of the Thing-- basically looking like dried oatmeal.
As the story opens, the two Things have crash landed in an unknown location.
Ms. M is depressed over her new condition and is trying to kill herself.
She had been a little unstable before, but now she's jumping off cliffs and trying to spike
herself in the throat with large rocks. Pretty grim stuff, but ol' Benjy Grimm is able
to calm her down. With an accidental bitch-slap, even.
When Ms. Marvel reaches an acceptable level of tranquility, the two Things try to figure out where they are.
A jungle...somewhere. As they trek along, Ben mentions to Ms. Marvel: "who knows, now that yer' a Thing, maybe
we can start somethin'". Smooth. You have to feel for Ben. He's a regular joe and heckuva' fun guy, but he
hasn't gotten any puntang since he became all big n' rocky. Now there's a female Thing and even though
she's thinking about suicide, Ben's thinking: "I'd hit it".
Ben even remembers how Ms. Marvel, in her old human form, used to look like Tarianna, from his
post-Secret Wars adventures on "Battleworld" (and his old solo comic). Tarianna turned out to be a
figment of Ben's subconscious. Later, he meets a real-life version of Tarianna, but she's almost instantly zapped into
a walking lump of orange Play-doh with tits. Ben's lovelife sucks. Dr. Mefli could
have a field day listening to the poor dude.
But hey, before any deep psychoogical issues can creep in, the two Things notice
a Big Red Robot and decide that it's Clobberin' Time. After a few rounds, the
robot is finally turned off by the Black Panther...and it's at that point that they realize they're
in Wakanda. T'Challa swings in to talk about the Big Red Robot. It's called the
THROB (oh boy), which stands for Trans-Human ROBot. Oh boy... if you're making a robot, why
wouldn't you name it "Beepy", "Wakandan Security Robot" or something equally harmless? Instead, you
have to name it THROB. Why not name it NutSAC or BULGE?
Panther was testing his, um THROB... and the Things just happened to stroll by.
And here's the guy who helped Panther build the THROB-- Dr. Doom. Doom's been exiled from
his country and is staying in Wakanda as a "guest" of the Panther. In an attempt to prove he's
not such a bad guy, Doom decided to give Panther a ... umm, THROB.
Doom tries to persuade Ms. Marvel to join up with him, saying he can make her human again.
In some way, Doom's offer doesn't jibe with Ms. Marvel's "honor". She's suddenly upset, says she'll
prove worthy of the FF and tells Doom to stuff it. Something like
"no.. not my honor". Okay. Doom threatens to tear into her, but T'Challa
breaks it up. The Things head home, with Ms. Marvel apparently accepting her condition.
While the Things get the spotlight in Wakanda, back state-side the Torch and Crystal
are settling into their new HQ, Four Freedoms Plaza. Crystal has a bittersweet reunion with
a guy named Jake from New Jersey. Some regular dude she met in the "Vision & Scarlet Witch"
maxi-series and became involved with. By my count that's at least the fifth guy she's
been involved with-- Johnny Storm (twice), Quicksilver, Black Knight and the Sentry (ret-con). There're
probably a few more I'm forgetting. No wonder the Inhumans didn't team up
with the rest of the Marvel U very often-- they were afraid Crystal would hook up with
the other team's resident bachelor. "Black Bolt would like to thank you for your help. We don't
know how we can ever repay you... but in the meantime, here's Crystal as a token of our
appreciation". Crystal's a ho.
While Panther certainly didn't get the spotlight, the issues with the
Things weren't lacking interest. Not a great story, but it seems like the Ms. Marvel/Thing
relationship has been shuttled off to limbo. It seems like this could've
had a lot of potential. Not for romance, exactly, but for some weird psycho-issues.
Ben hooks up with a female version of himself... one who's a mental case and hates
being a Thing. But Ben's ecstatic about having her around and isn't worried about
his own mutation. Would it have meant that
he had finally accepted being a Thing? Some weird stuff, there.
 |
| Crys bags another |
This era of the FF seemed to revolve
around the team randomly walking without much focus and stumbling into leftover plot threads from other books. Stuff like
Belasco (X-men), Morbius (FEAR), the Cat-People and Master Pandemonium (both from West Coast Avengers). Ben was the
leader of the bunch and it was a refreshing change from the over analytical uber-genius Reed Richards.
Reed was always: "if we vibrate the subharmonic freqeuncies, we may be able to pentrate the
9th dimension and counteract the Coriolis effect of the 12th planet of the Vegan star-system".
Ben was always: "hey guys, let's go punch stuff! It'll be fun!"
This wasn't a popular era for the book, but it was one that I liked (of course, I was 13 at the time,
so take that into consideration).
Summary: Thing and Ms. Marvel wander though Wakanda, punch a robot and meet the Black Panther. Thing tries
to score.
Cover price:.75
Rating: .75
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