COMICS-Jam Captain America Down Your Throat
Craptacular! This page now has screen-captures from the movie!!
With the premiere of "Spider-Man" only a few days away, I thought it'd be appropriate to
hop back a few years and re-live one of the great comic-book movies of the past.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find one...so I tracked down the 1979 TV movie of
"Captain America".
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Steve and Mills share a tender moment |
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If the Cap Van's rockin...
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"chics dig me" |
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The magic bullet deflector! |
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"Stand by for ACTION!" |
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Cap hides his face in embarrassment |
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Capt. Robbie Knievel |
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Nothing sez "excitement" like helicopter and motorcycle footage! |
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"aww damn.. Miss September's not blonde everywhere!" |
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Bucky? Falcon? Nomad? Diamondback? Nope, Cap's sidekick...MILLS! |
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| "SUNDAY! Meet Captain America
at the Tri-State Auto Show!"
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I've always maintained that the 70's was probably the best decade for comics.
Comics were still trying to get over with their quirky stupidity, and the whole
"mature superheroes" concept was still years away. Comics ranked up there
with Sugar Pops, Big Wheels and Saturday Morning TV. They were stupid, and
not ashamed of it ....sorta like WWF pro wrestling, Regis Philbin, or your local news anchor.
70's comic contributions included the SuperFriends cartoon, HERBIE the robot,
the Rocket Racer, Pocket Heroes, MEGO action figures, Hero's World,
the Dr. J/Rick Barry Spalding Streetball ad, and live action TV shows. Comic overload.
"Captain America" was released as Marvel's final live-action TV show.
They had scored pretty well with "The Incredible Hulk", had limited success
with "Spider-Man" ...and used up film for "Dr. Strange" and "Captain America".
"Captain America" stars Reb Brown, who would go on to greater fame in "Yor,
Hunter from the Future", and other Mystery Science Theatre fodder. Brown's kinda
bulky, but he looks like Larry Wilcox, the guy who played
Ponch's partner on ChiPs.
The only recognizable connection to the comic version of Captain America is
our hero's name- Steve Rogers. In the comics, Steve Rogers was a scrawny
Army enlistee, who was pumped up with the Super-Soldier serum in World War II.
He fought Nazis for awhile, then ended up frozen in ice. He was thawed out in
the early 60's and returned to comics as the jolly guy he is today.
In this movie, however, Steve Rogers is a former serviceman turned slacker.
Now a polyester pants-wearing studmuffin,
he cruises the West coast in his vintage 1970's Chevy van. Complete with
carpeted interior, love window and snazzy exterior graphics. His life's ambition
is to "see America, get some of it on canvas... and find out who I am".
Kinda like a Deadhead, only he takes a shower every so often.
But all is not groovy for Stevie. With the help
of a friend named Dr. Simon Mills, he soon finds out about his
late father. Mills reports directly to the President and
tells Steve about super steroid he invented: FLAG,
Full Latent Ability Gainer.
Steve's dad used the steroid on himself,
and fought crime, garnering the mocking nickname of "Captain America"
from the evil executives of the world.
(they allude to Cap's crimefigthing career, but not
his wartime efforts) Of course, because FLAG was a
steroid...that might explain why Papa Rogers could only squirt out ONE offspring.
However, Mills has been trying in vain to successfully manufacture
FLAG in anything. Mice have been injected with it, but their cells
reject the steroid, killing them after a few months. Steve
doesn't seem interested in testing the formula and leaves. But, he did
meet Mills' assistant, Wendy, the stereotypical love interest. We're even treated to
few scenes of cheesecake, as Steve tries to get some sugar from Wendy, while
they're at a beach.
As Steve is discovering his father's life, an evil industrialist
sets out to eliminate him. Note that Steve hasn't become Captain America yet..
but the villains still go through the trouble of a fake detour, and
slicking the road with oil in an attempt to kill him. At the same time,
one of Steve's good friends, a Dr. Hayden, is murdered in his own home.
Steve arrives to hear his dying words, which make no sense. However, the villains
insist those words meant something, because Hayden was working on
Project Zeus- a secret US neutron bomb.
The villains are led by an industrialist named Dr. Brackett, head of the Andreas Oil company.
Brackett has a master plan- he needs Hayden's notes to complete a neutron bomb.
Then, he can bomb Phoenix and rob the local gold reserve without
being bothered. Of course.
Brackett's thugs eventually run Steve's motorbike off the road, seemingly killing him.
In a manner reminiscent of The Six Million Dollar Man, Steve is
near death in a hospital. Mills takes over and injects Steve with FLAG.
Steve is saved and soon, reluctantly, becomes Captain America.
As Cap, Mills presents him with an enhanced motorbike and a refurbished van.
The van looks normal, but can soon convert to reveal the hidden superbike,
launch pad and 8-track player. The windshield for the bike features
a detachable shield. Just like Cap's traditional shield, only
it's simply "bulletproof" and is transparent in some places. They mention
the shield can be used a "rather effective weapon", but it's
not used for offense in the entire movie.
While Cap's testing out his new bike, he's attacked by an evil helicopter!
The helicopter attacks Cap from BEHIND, with a sniper...but Cap is able to hide behind
the shield on the FRONT of his bike. Magic bullets! Conveniently, there's a
stunt ramp in the wilderness for such a purpose. Cap rolls up the ramp and is able to subdue the pilot
and the sniper.
About 3/4 of the way into the film, Steve FINALLY agrees to
be "Captain America". He sketches out a quick costume. It's not the
traditional Cap outfit...it's closer to an Evil Kneivel outfit, or
Lynda Carter's Wonder Woman scuba suit. Turns out, Brackett has kidnapped
Wendy and Dr. Hayden's daughter. Plus, he's en route to Phoenix with the neutron bomb.
Mills inspires Cap to save the girls by telling him to
"be Captain America! Let's jam Captain America down their throats!". Cap
hops on his bike, fights off three security guards and saves the girls.
Being a superhero and all, Cap then needs Mills's help to stop Brackett
and the neutron bomb. Mills flies Cap and his cycle after Brackett's
tractor trailer. Brackett's sitting in the trailer with the bomb, reading
a book and smoking a pipe. Cap races around on his bike and hops up
on the trailer's roof. He bends the truck's exhaust pipes into
the trailer's vent, affixiating Brackett with the fumes.
The truck stops, Cap knocks the two drivers down the hill and
checks on the unconscious Brackett. As far as climactic fight scenes go,
this ranks up there with Winnie the Pooh vs. The Jar o' Honey.
After wasting 10 minutes of film with helicopter footage, Mills
lands the copter and instructs Cap on everything. Brackett had a ridiculous
deadman switch to the bomb, but thankfully it's not too much of a concern to the plot writers.
Cap and Mills meet back in LA and everything's HAPPY.
Episode ending joke is: "I guess Captain America was jammed down a few throats, huh?"
Cap then mentions that if he's going to do this full-time, he wants to look exactly like his
father. The final scene has Cap riding up in the traditional Cap outfit.
Only difference is he's not wearing a mask, but a cycle helmet with a visor.
The guys shake and "Love Theme From Captain America" cues up as the credits roll.
The film ran 1 hour, 38 minutes, but could have been reduced to 30 minutes.
The script tries to emulate an espionage conspiracy, with the neutron bomb
concept and the "Dying Doctor Who Held the Final Secret". It's really rather
senseless, and a good portion of the movie is wasted on trying to build
up this supposedly complicated plot. What a lame plot it was, too.
"Bombs only kill people. So he'll be able to rob the reserve with
nobody around!" Shees. The other portion of the movie is wasted
on helicopter, motorcycle and vehicle scenes. Not even the chase scenes in
your typical "Dukes of Hazzard" episode were this long. The movie opens with a good
12 minutes of Steve driving his van. Cap's inaugural jaunt on his superbike lasts
another 12. Captain America seems so dependent on his motorcycle, that
it's wonder why they didn't just scrap the whole "Cap" idea and go with
a "Ghost Rider" movie. The final helicopter scenes with Mills are painstakingly boring.
Mills and Cap fly around, watching traffic and wondering where Brackett could be.
At that point, the movie needed to literally cut to the chase. But this was the 70's,
when almost every action series had some sort of vehicular fun. At least
the vehicle scenes in "Starksy n' Hutch", "Kojak" and even
"BJ and the Bear" actually
accomplished something in under 2 minutes! It's like the film crew got a deal
on a helicopter rental, and enjoyed the shit out of that thingie.
This movie spawned a sequel, or more specifically, another two episodes.
Both contain the same soundtrack, and you'll have the theme stuck in your
head for hours, at least.
You can find these videos available around the Internet.
If you look through certain retailers, you can even find them factory-sealed
for about 12 bucks. It's a fun novelty video for collectors to have.
But would I want to actually WATCH the movie again? Not for a few years.
A definite 3 beer movie and I doubt you'd want to invite your friends over
to watch it. Like all the 70's live-action TV adaptations, it's not to be taken
seriously and exists to fulfill your nerd curiosity.
Final sidenote. I might be adding screenshots to this page, shortly.
I'm working out the best way to hook up a VCR to my
computer. If anyone out there has any suggestions on
which type of equipment and software to use, I'd be
interested to hear from you. I know Photoshop has an extension
for this, but I'm kinda clueless on the actual hardware issue.
Preferably something with a USB interface. So email me, below
and I guarantee I'll read your message (as long as you don't
type "BARNYARD SEX" or "BARELY LEGAL TEENS" in your subject field. Well,
hell..I might read that, anyways).
Comment about this article. Hit the Message Board, or E-Mail me!
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