Captain America #271 (1982)
"The Mystery of Mr. X"
Writer: David Kraft
Artist: Alan Kupperberg
If there's one thing I've learned from blowing tons of dough on my shitty Bargain Bin comics, it's
that 1982 was the greatest year in the history of comics. There's 1938, 1962...and 1982.
Everytime I'm rummaging through a store's bargain bin and I see a comic from 1982, I KNOW I need
to buy that rag. There was so much crap put out in 1982 that every angle was covered.
You had superheroes revelling in all aspects of their goofy superhero-ness. Time travel, dimension
hopping, internal reflection, team dynamics, alien invasions. Name one typical
superhero plot and I'll guarantee you that it happened sometime in 1982.
Plus, outside of the "regular" punch hero stuff, you had war stuff with Sgt. Rock and G.I. Combat. D&D crap with Dr. Strange, Conan
and Warlord. Horror stuff with House of Secrets and Night Force. Funny animal stuff with Capt. Carrot.
Nerdy fanboy sci-fi stuff with Star Wars. Toy tie-in marketing stuff with G.I. Joe. You even
had intercompany crossovers with Batman vs. Hulk and Teen Titans/X-men. You had everything in 1982.
With so many superhero-y things going on, it wasn't unsual to throw out some Weird-Ass Plots
that year. Remember, this was a year that had superheroes posing as truckers! Nothing was off-limits.
Which makes it a natural
fit that no less than Captain America himself would enter the world of professional wrestling. No, this isn't
the Hypertime Arena. It's true, it's true!
The story opens as Steve Rogers (Cap) is paying a visit to his then-girlfriend Bernie Rosenthal. He's a little shocked
to discover Bernie watching All-Star Wrestling and cheering on the good guys. Steve scoffs at the phoniness of the whole
spectacle, but he does appreciate the moral display of good guys defeating bad guys. Since Steve's an old fuddy-duddy,
he thinks the country need to see these lessons, and gives Bernie's wrestling affliction the Offical Cap Seal of Approval.
The focus of the show is on King Arthur, a guy who looks a combination of Nick Bockwinkle and "Superstar"
Billy Graham. A former wrestler whose legs were paralyzed in a in-ring accident,
King Arthur now trains all the good guys of All-Star Wrestling and wants to provide a clean, happy
family enivronment. In the never ending struggle for ratings and righteous values, Arthur's
charge Jumpin' Jack Flash is stepping into the ring to face the evil Mr.X, master of the dreaded
Flying-Four Flusher.
But fans, what's this?! As Steve and Bernie watch the show, the masked Mr. X KILLS Jumpin' Jack Flash in the ring. But, but..
isn't wrestling fake?! Bernie is shocked at the death and begins crying. Steve decides to investigate the murder for
the dual purpose of righting a wrong AND to impress Bernie. The lengths some guys will go to, to get a piece of tail.
Of course, this leads Steve to flashback to World War II and fighting the Nazis. If impressing your girlfriend makes
you think of The Big One...well, you two are probably not headed for relationship bliss.
The next morning, Captain America arrives at the police station to assist in the murder. He's surprised to meet
King Arthur at the station. Arthur informs the police chief and Cap that Mr.X has gone into hiding, but
will agree to come out to face one of Arthur's "champions" in a "Trial of Honor Match". If Mr.X loses, he'll unmask and turn himself in,
but if he wins, he'll go free. The police chief agrees to this...so appranently the judicial system doesn't
apply to pro wrestlers. Cap is impressed with Arthur and agrees to be Mr.X's opponent in the
trial match. King Arthur's a fairly creative booker-- he just booked a celebrity participant into his
"Trial of Honor/Grudge/Unmasked/Jailhouse Match"! Wow, all he's missing is some lesbians and midgets.
When the big match takes place, Cap is allowed to bring his shield into the ring with him. This must be a
bunkhouse stampede in addition to all the other stipulations! Things are embellished a bit, as Mr.X flies
all over the ring, with vertical leaps reaching 25 feet.
After messing around with X for awhile, Cap hits his "finisher"-- he launches himself
from the ring ropes like a bow-and-arrow. Mr.X is defeated, unmasked and taken to jail. X is revealed
as a guy named Ray Deacon, who was wrongly sentenced and convicted for a murder, five years ago. The real killer
was eventually found, but Deacon's life has been a wreck ever since. As the cops haul Deacon away, Cap notices
something different about Mr.X. Tonight, X didn't seem to have the same fighting style as he did against Jumpin' Jack Flash.
The next day, Cap returns to the All-Star Wrestling gym as Steve Rogers, freelance artist. His cover is that he needs
to sketch pictures of some old matches as reference for his latest project. King Arthur mentions that wrestling is
struggling sport with a bad reputation and that they don't have the money to keep a video library. Steve and King Arthur
politely part company, but as Steve is leaving, he runs in Marty the Announcer. Marty tells Steve that there is a
video library and takes him to it. Steve reviews the two matches involing Mr.X and concludes that it was different
man under the mask for each match.
Steve returns to King Arthur's office and the ruse is up. Arthur, being a good villain, explains
in detail what's really been going on. He's been using and selling illegal STEROIDS! Arthur
began using them after his accident and they helped him regain use of his legs. Since then, he's been running
a steroid distributorship and raking in the cash. He's worse than Bill Romanowski or
Vince McMahon combined! Jumpin' Jack Flash was going to squeal, so Arthur masqueraded as Mr.X in the first match to murder him.
Deacon was thrown into the second match as a sacrificial lamb. Furthermore, the steroids also
gave Arthur... gasp... SUPER-STRENGTH! So Arthur wraps a brass coat rack around Steve and tosses him
in the "incinerator". Ahhh.... handy. Old offices used to have hidden chutes built into them that led
to a big fiery pit.
Steve manages to avoid the drop into the incinerator, changes into Cap and returns to fight Arthur and his 'roid boys. Arthur and
Cap go toe-to-toe, while Arthur monologues about his EVIL deeds. At one point, Arthur says he wants to
hear Cap "renounce your code of morals" before he kills him. See, on top of the fisticuffs, we get a
moral debate on right and wrong--- between a 'roided up pro wrestler and a superhero. That's
freakin' bizarre.
Cap manages to subdue Arthur, while Marty the Announcer heard and recorded everything. Arthur is taken away, Deacon
is freed and Cap sneaks off to find Bernie. Captain America has cleared All-Star Wrestling of corruption and
steroid abuse. We can all sleep soundly.
all
Wrestling and comic books have always walked parrallel paths. Spider-Man made his public debut
in a wrestling ring, while Hulk Hogan wouldn't exist without comics. It's funny how this story dabbled
in such unrealistic veins yet, in the end, it wasn't so bizarre. The obvious issue is the steroid abuse, but
there's a few unintentional foreshadowings in this story. You can't help but think about
Owen Hart (or, if you're older, "Iron" Mike DiBiase) when reading about Jumpin' Jack's murder. Plus, in keeping
with the usual wrestling environment, the real drama and nasty evil stuff takes place behind the scenes (well, no
blow-jobs are involved in this story, thankfully.) Throughout the story, it's mentioned
that wrestling is more "entertainment" than "sports". Also...Mr.X rapelled to the ring from the rafters. No
doubt inspiring a young Steve Borden to try to the same trick as Sting, while fighting the nWo in 1997.
This story is ... out there. It makes some of the ridiculous premises of the 1950's Batman and Superman
capers seem sane. Like I said, 1982 was a nutsy year. A few issues earlier, Cap expanded his horizons by
introducing Team America (fuck yeah)-- a team of toy tie-in motorcycle riders. If you're looking for
"mature readers" entertainment that will "enlighten" your thinking, look elsewhere. If you
want some all-out unabashed cheese that's not afraid to be a comic book, then 1982 is your
neighborhood.
Summary: Cap gets in the ring, then fights an evil promoter in a leisure suit.
Cover price: .60
Rating: 1.25
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