COMICS-TV Stuff: Batman : Dead End
Not in theatres....for GOOD REASON!
Few words can make you cringe like the phrase "fan film". "Batman: Dead End" is
a 7 minute fan film, directed by an industry professional who claims
to be a big fan of Batman. Additionally, like most Batman fans, he claims
to be discouraged by the recent big screen treatment of the Caped Crusader.
Fair enough...you've got the tools to do it better, then I'm all eyes and ears, bunky.
This film opens with an intense atompsheric mood. We see Batman gearing up, while
a newscast informs us that the Joker has just escaped from Arkham Asylum.
Batman is perched atop a skyscraper, with the Bat-signal in the background.
Hot on the trail of the Joker, Batman pursues him into a dark alley
and a quick melee ensues. Joker, sounding a little QUEER in his speech,
taunts Batman with claims of "you can't kill me...you MADE me, DADDY!" The lighting
and camera angels add to the scenes and to the feel. Visually, Batman
is identical to Alex Ross's renderings and Joker appears like a Brian Bolland
cover come to life. The dialgoue's a bit wooden, but for a three minute film,
it's acceptable.
Wait, I thought this was a SEVEN minute film.
Oh shit.. you're right.
Out of nowhere, Joker is yanked up a wall and Batman is attacked by an alien.
No, I don't mean your random Kund, Daxamite, Martian, Skrull or even a Cuban..
an alien. You know, the kind from the movie of the same name?! I shit you not.
It gets better. Three distinctive dots sudden appear on the alien's head and it's
blown away by... a predator. Yes, the kind from the movie of the same name.
After a lengthy fight, Batman whips out some sort of bat-blade and slices the Predator's tummy open. Umm...
Despite the director's best intentions, even he couldn't
justify a plot twist of Batman becoming Wolverine, immediately. So he had Batman
use this bat-blade. I mean, I ALWAYS recall Batman using a knife as his weapon
of choice. After the fight, famaliar laughter is heard and we fade out
with Batman caught in between the predators and aliens.. 2 minutes of credits
follow.
To me, the scariest part of this movie is the fact that someone possibly wrote SEVERAL
DRAFTS of the screenplay. This was actually a 14-minute epic. Oh, it's true, it's true!
In fact, I did some research and uncovered the ORIGINAL PLOT NOTES...all scrawled
on a Carl's Jr napkin, naturally. Presented for the FIRST TIME ANYWHERE, I give you
the Original Ending to Batman: Dead End...
Suddenly, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider swings in and whips out a can of ass-kickingness.
Batman high-fives her and says "let's take 'em to school". They beat on the aliens
for awhile and use their acid blood to kill the predators. Lara's shirt gets shredded
for added adolescent appeal.
One predator runs to an abandonded warehouse and the new Dynamic Duo follows.
The predator activates a beacon, which summons Megatron and the Decepticons
to the scene! Quickly, Lara leads Batman to a nearby museum, where the
fabled Sword of Omens is on display. Batman hollers "thunder..thunder..thunder BATS,
hooooo!" and brings the THUNDERCATS running! Awesome-tack-ular-ness
follows! Batman slices Megatron's head off and says "boo-yaa!" Then they all
jump into a Stargate, which takes them to the planet Dune, where they meet Spawn
and the T-1000!
The film started out quite promising. I could even overlook
Joker's gay accent. It was depressing how the established
mood was shot away for some ludicrous video-game
fantasy bullshit. The internet is full of stupid message boards
along the lines of "who would win in a fight, Batman or
Harry Potter?" I don't see the appeal to shit like this,
and I'm even more depressed that someone spent a good deal of
time and money making a freaking FILM about it. True, in print the Batman
franchise has been whored out to Tarzan, Aliens, Predator and
even the ultimate comic book diarrhea - Spawn. There's a huge difference
between print and film.
I've always admitted to being a dork... but there is a point where it becomes
unhealthy. The director, Sandy Collora, made this thing to get noticed.
Damn, I noticed ya', bunky. The same way I'd notice a guy
who just shit himself. Check around, but I'm sure that's the kind
of notoriety you DON'T want. But I'll give him one thing...if he had done
JUST aliens and predator, I wouldn't have noticed.
I don't feel like a hypocrite by saying that I'm a HUGE fan of the first Predator film.
It's one of my favorite
movies-- right up there with "This is Spinal Tap" and "Time Bandits".
Dutch, Dillon, Blaine, Mac, Billy, Poncho and even lame-ass Hawkins are
held in high regard by my dorky self.
I'm also a huge fan of Batman. I'm also a huge fan
of the Smurfs.
But, y'know something? I'm OKAY
that they all exist in separate canons or "worlds". I've never wanted to see
Papa Smurf lead a team of commandos into Gotham City to fight the Predator. Although...
it might be funny to have Papa Smurf chanting "gonna' have me some fun... gonna'
have me some fun..."
Collora's website is filled with self-promoting material, including the
memorable line: "In May of 2003, Sandy and some of his friends set out to make
a short film.. they wound up making history..." Personally, I think
something has to be around for awhile and be of some signifance before
it can be called "history". Otherwise, I'd call my crappy website
HISTORY. And that commercial you just saw for Pop-tarts? That's
CINEMATIC HISTORY!!!
Even more depressing... Collora has said that Kevin Smith and
Alex Ross have given this film the seal of approval. Collora has talked
about how he felt ripped off at seeing Batman's shoddy Hollywood treatment.
So he goes and completely embarasses himself and the Batman franchise some more.
It's sad, because as the first few minutes display, the guy has talent.
I'm completely disappointed in how he displays
this talent in "Dead End". Across my years of art school
and design BS, that's one of the recurring sad themes I've run across:
an artist who can't apply himself correctly and wastes his time
on schoolboy fantasies.
This is what happens when dorks go unchecked. Please, keep tabs on your dork...
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